Fully Living

how secrecy can kill intimacy

2012-01-23T21:19:00.003-05:00

A million years ago I worked with a very smart therapist on some problems I was having with my boyfriend. She caught on quickly to the fact that instead of telling him how I felt, I was just smothering my anger until it was way too late to deal with the problem at hand. I was hoarding small infractions and stockpiling insults. By the time I started working with her, I didn't want to look at my boyfriend, let alone make out with him. And on top of that, I felt guilty about not wanting to smooch him anymore!

She told me something that I've hung onto all these millennia: nothing kills intimacy faster than secrecy. And the things you're keeping secret don't have to be big, guilt-inducing, gut-wrenching secrets. They can simply be things like not telling someone your feelings were hurt by the way he assumed you would do the dishes, or that you were furious at how he left his shoes in the middle of the floor even though you asked him not to a billion times because you trip on them on the way to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

The more of these unvoiced issues I sat on, the further and further away my boyfriend drifted. But it was hard to feel like my concerns were valid in the moment. Did he mean to leave his shoes there? And did I really have a right to be angry about him being forgetful? It took a lot of courage for me to start to see that what I wanted mattered as much as what he wanted, and that if I mentioned my concerns at the moment they happened I was only annoyed, not angry. Luckily, he was receptive to my efforts to get things off my chest before they festered, and things improved.

In the long run, the relationship didn't last, but I was reminded of this lesson earlier this month when I went to visit a friend across the country. My friend is in her first trimester (read: barfy) and a mom to a toddler (read: exhausted) and trying to buy a home (read: overwhelmed). When I booked my ticket she wasn't pregnant yet, so we thought it would be a fun-filled, sunshiney visit. But as my departure date approached, she was sounding more and more worn out, and I was beginning to worry that instead of being a fun addition to her house for the weekend, I would be yet another thing she would have to take care of.

But I sat on that. She wanted to see me, right? She was the one who was exhausted and overwhelmed, why should I worry that she didn't want to see me when everything she said made it sound like she did? I wouldn't be more exhausting, would I? I vowed to myself that I would not be a hassle... and then worried silently that I would.

The day before my flight I had worked myself into such a tizzy of non-communication that I finally had to call her and get it off my chest. "I'm worried that I'll be a burden, that you won't have any fun with me, and that you'll barf on me!"

"Well, I'm worried that you won't have any fun with me, I won't feel well enough to play with you, and that I'll barf on you!"

As soon as the words were out of our mouths, we were laughing again, saying that we would be fine. Prior to connecting, though, there was tension. We were both fearful that we would be the cause of pain to the other. And the more we over-thought it without reaching out to one another, the more secrecy we had, and the less close we felt.

Did she barf on me? No. Did she feel well enough to play with me the whole time? No. But I was prepared for that, and connected to her, so it all worked out just fine. It's amazing what obstacles intimacy can overcome.

on newness and seeing clearly

2012-01-02T20:01:00.004-05:00

Six years ago I bought a rug off Craigslist. It was a perfect fit for my new apartment, square, wool, from IKEA, and only $150 -- and not hellaciously ugly or cheap-looking. I hopped on the bus, picked up the carpet, hopped back on the bus (garnering strange looks from the bus driver) and then plopped it down in my living room. I was never in love with the rug, but it fit perfectly and, like most furniture, would be harder to get rid of than to just keep forever.

So I kept it forever.

Last year I bought a couch from IKEA and they didn't have the grey slipcovers to match the rug and the room, so I bought the pink slipcovers that were on sale (only $9!), figuring I would come back to IKEA when the grey ones were back in stock.

So, yeah, my couch is still pink.

Long story short, over time I've come to see that I like the pink couch better than the black-and-white rug, so just last week I got a cute new carpet that matches better and is much more me. In the process, I've gotten rid of some furniture, moved some other pieces around, and more or less come to see my living room again for the first time. I see the floor differently. I see the sofa differently. I see so many things that I wasn't seeing because I had gotten so used to the room.

I know it's just stuff, but tweaking your stuff can have a profound impact on the way you see the world. I've been really conscious lately of trying to make my external space a reflection of who I am at my best (not at my laziest).

Another example:

The highlight of my living room is not, in fact, the pink sofa, but instead is a mirror that you can see from every room in my house. I love the mirror and consult it regularly to see if my outfit matches or if my eyebrows are too bushy. In the process of moving in my new carpet, I realized just how dirty my mirrors were, so I cleaned them. All of the mirrors in my house. And I was SHOCKED to see how different I looked after simply cleaning the mirrors. Angles were sharpened. Details appeared finer, more crisp. I saw more of everything, good and bad.

While this is a true story, it's also a metaphor. (And you don't have to pay extra for that, folks!) Fiona Apple says it well in her excellent song, Window:

"... the fact being that
Whatever's in front of me
Is covering my view
So I can't see what I'm seeing in fact
I only see what I'm looking through"

So I ask you, what are you taking for granted (like I took my living room)? What are you allowing to blur your vision (like the dust on my mirrors)? What do you need to do to shake things up just enough to be able to see your filters and realign them?

on getting off auto-pilot

2011-12-11T23:27:00.004-05:00

Most mornings I wake up at 6:45 and I get out of bed and do things in a pattern: I check my email, I meditate, I shower, I dress, I pack my lunch, and I leave by 7:30. I'm able to do this because, for the most part, I'm on auto-pilot. I know how much time each step takes, and like an unconscious little soldier, I make sure to get them done in their allotted minutes.

This works well to get me out of the door efficiently, but on weekends, when I have the morning to myself, I do things completely differently. I wake up and putz around, check my email, make some coffee, maybe shower, maybe meditate, it doesn't matter, there's really no pattern to it. Auto-pilot doesn't kick in, and the days are all very different.

Weekdays are efficient, and weekends are fun. Not news to just about every non-self-employed person out there, but I'm trying to find a way to split more of the difference.

Two years ago, I challenged myself to do things differently. (Read more about it here.) Part of the experiment was to get myself unstuck from some negative self-chatter habits that were making me miserable, and part of it was to wake myself up out of auto-pilot. While this was important for my relationship with myself, I'm finding it important in my relationships with others, too.

December is all about "newness" and one of the practices I'm bringing to the month is one I learned in my class at the School of Practical Philosophy (new semester starts in January): meeting others as if for the first time. The idea is to drop all our preconceived notions about others, to drop our expectations about how they will react, and to just meet them as if we knew nothing about them. I like this practice because expectations are really just a set up for disappointment, and when I meet people with an idea of how they'll treat me, they either prove me right or disappoint me. When I don't have that expectation, who knows what'll happen?

In the past I've found it easier to be more forgiving of strangers and people I'm meeting for the first time than it has been for people I've known my whole life. It was always comforting to believe that my sister would tell me what I wanted to hear when I called her, but I find it easier now just to not have that expectation and instead make myself as clear as possible. If I didn't know her, I wouldn't have the expectation, so it's only fair to treat her as well as I would treat a stranger, right?

One of my favorite songs is by a Brooklyn band named Hem, and the lyrics are:

There's a lazy eye that looks at you

And sees you the same as before

Where are your eyes lazy? Where are you on auto-pilot? And what can you do differently to wake up and meet people as if for the first time?

walls in our heads

2011-11-30T14:05:00.003-05:00

Thanks to my friend Brian, I'm happy to share an interesting article about the allure of creating the walls in our heads, which continues on the post I shared two weeks ago.

For those of you who might not want to read the whole article, here are a couple of quotes I think are interesting:

"Walls, then, are built not for security, but for a sense of security."

"...walls can also block one’s view, but that should not be such big problem, especially when one wants to hide."

"The erection of a wall signifies that someone has got something precious and that the others should know about it."

Whenever we identify ourselves as something ("I'm a New Yorker," "I'm a nice person"), we exclude other options and possibilities and limit ourselves. Do I love being a New Yorker? Yes! Is it important to me to be a nice person? Absolutely. But when I build a wall that says "I'm a New Yorker and I'm not anything else," that limits me. Same thing with being a nice person -- or any other identification you're likely to make.

Why draw lines? Instead, be flexible and explore what it would mean to not be a New Yorker, or to be a mean person. How would that change you? What would the impact be? You might be surprised by what you find...

farming vs. mining

2011-11-17T22:08:00.001-05:00

Many moons ago, my cousin Brian pointed me to a really interesting blog post that inspired me. The premise is that you've bought a plot of land and have two choices -- you can farm that land, or you can mine it. Which do you do?

"If you farm," says author Wil Shipley, "you’ll have to purchase seed up-front, and work on it for a season before you see any profits. And every season you’ll plow most the profits (literally) back into the land and salaries and your mortgage. You husband the soil to ensure that it’ll keep providing for you for years and years. If you’re lucky, and if you do a good job, you’ll gather a following, sales will increase, and eventually you may make a tidy living. But every season, no matter how rich you get, you’re going to be back out there, breaking your back and working with the soil. When you finally retire, if you’ve done a good job, the soil is as good as when you first got it, and your farm will live on."

"Or," he continues, "you could mine; you’ll need some initial money to lease mining equipment, and to hire some people to work the mine. Then, bam: profit. You’re making money. You tear a giant hole in the ground and eke every last bit of metal out as quickly as possible; there’s nothing to preserve, there’s no soil to keep in condition. You’ll make a big score, then the land will be spent, and you move on, leaving an unusable crater."

He then goes on to parallel this analogy with starting a software company, which I won't go into, but it really applies to how you want to live your life on a broad basis. Are you willing to invest a part of yourself in your development on a regular basis, or do you want to get in, get out, and get emptied?

Some people are naturally long-term focused, and so for them, farming may come easier. Knowing that it's in their best self-interest may make eating healthy easier to do. Believing that insight will follow a week with no television may make it easier to bear the silence. But for people who are short term focused -- or even long-term focusers who are frustrated by their current situations -- mining may feel more rewarding.

And is there a way to combine both? Can you mine part of the land and farm others? Life is not black and white, it's much more of a continuum. And if you aim to land in farming more often than in mining, I think it's a winning proposition. Because the image of that "unusable crater" is pretty haunting.

we build the wall to keep us free

2011-11-14T21:31:00.004-05:00

I've been listening recently to this incredible musical based on the story of Orpheus and Eurydice, and Why We Build the Wall (the song above) has been stuck in my head a lot in the last week or so. The premise is great and seems totally backwards -- we're building a wall to keep ourselves free. The lyrics say:

What do we have that they should want?
We have a wall to work upon!
We have work and they have none
And our work is never done
My children, my children
And the war is never won
The enemy is poverty
And the wall keeps out the enemy
And we build the wall to keep us free
That's why we build the wall
We build the wall to keep us free

And it makes me wonder -- where in our lives do we build these walls? Walls that seem to be keeping out an enemy and providing us with freedom but that are still closing in on us and keeping us small. Walls that give us something to focus on and something to keep ourselves busy, but walls that, in the end, don't get us what we really want.

I'm thinking of a friend of mine who works six bajillion hours a week. The "enemy" in this case is failure or disappointment, and working endless hours at his job (the "wall" in this case, too) is what keeps the enemy at bay. But even if he builds that wall, failure will be patiently waiting on the other side of it, looking for the smallest crack to climb inside.

I'm also thinking of myself -- in my case sometimes the enemy is "feeling too much" and shutting down those feelings so I don't have to be overwhelmed by them is my wall. It seems like the smart thing to do -- manage emotion so it can be tamed or mastered, but in truth, the more I try to sweep my feelings under the rug, the more they become protesters at Occupy Kate's Wall Street.*

If what we want is endless work with no payoff, we can have that. There will always be more fear. There will always be more walls to build. But what does it take to knock down the wall and start giving up the war in the first place? Acceptance. Recognizing that whatever's on the other side of the wall -- poverty, fear, disappointment, too many feelings -- it's always going to be there. And we can't pretend it away. So why not start to accept it so that we can let go of the concept of it being an enemy?

Easier said than done, I realize. But worth a shot -- unless you want to move to Hadestown, that is.

*I know, sorry, I couldn't resist.

The power of attention (or Hondas, Hondas Everywhere)

2011-10-23T12:37:00.001-04:00

Ever notice how, when you buy something, all of a sudden you see that same thing all over the place? Those new shoes? Even the nuns on the subway are wearing them. That recent bestseller? You can’t get out of the coffee shop without seeing six fellow readers. I call this phenomenon “Hondas, Hondas Everywhere” because I first noticed it after buying my first car – a Honda – at age 16. All of a sudden, every car in every parking lot was a Honda. Every commercial was for Hondas. I could even swear Honda debuted a breakfast cereal that year. (Ok, no, not really.)

But that’s the power of attention. What you focus on can take over your whole awareness. And this is great, if what you’re focusing on is positive, uplifting, exciting, or even just neutral. But my experience has been that it tends to be only charged things that swoop in and take over our focus. Things we want, but don’t have. Things that piss us off. Things that stir up something restless inside of us.

I met a guy once who only saw happy couples. Everywhere he turned there was another couple, making out, buying milk together, holding hands, laughing. How dare they?! Hogging up the grocery aisles, giggling in the park, there was no safe haven from the onslaught of perpetually smiling twosomes! And these couples infuriated him, because he wanted to be one of them and wasn’t.

Couples, Couples Everywhere!

It can be the same thing with our bodies. It’s easy to see the flaws, focus in on them, and overlook what’s great about the way we look. One poochy bit, and all of a sudden we think we’re the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man. One waggly bit, and the voices in our heads send us running for a muumuu. I, myself, spent almost 25 years between bikinis because I was worried about how my tummy was going to look.

Bellies, Bellies Everywhere!

So what do you do if you’re stuck in this spiral of negative focus? Try focusing on something else. Focus on nature, on smiling, on being in the moment. Feel the sun on your cheek. Hear the rustling of the leaves or the faraway rumble of the subway. The more our minds are focusing on what’s really happening in front of us (instead of the constant yammering of our inner voices) the less we’re likely to be trapped by the neverending train of chatter.

Truth is, there were the same number of Hondas before as there were after.

What is fun?

2011-10-16T12:53:00.002-04:00

If you can’t see or hear the video, I’ll break down for you what Michael Shore says about fun.

First, in his years of studying children, fun, and play (he is the President of Worldwide Consumer Insights at Mattel) he has come to understand fun as having ten different aspects. Each one is an important, but different, piece of the puzzle.

1. Freedom

This is any unstructured, voluntary activity that a child engages in. It’s essentially running around. There are few constraints and there is an immediacy to the fun. It’s about living in the moment.

2. I Dream

This is imaginative play in which children come up with possibilities and enjoy pretending. This kind of play can improve our language and social skills, and is also linked to resilience and delayed gratification.

3. I’m Special

This is the kind of play that is about luck or have the rules suspended in your favor. Staying up late, getting an extra ice cream cone, or otherwise getting some privilege is what this kind of fun is all about.

4. I Belong

This is all about acceptance into a larger group and cooperative play among kids.

5. I’m Wacky

Kids love being wacky! This is about delight, vitality, and goofiness. Shore says that the best way to make a toy wacky is by having it burp or fart. If it’s a pet, make it poop or pee. Wacky!

6. I Know

This is about exploration, accomplishment learning, and gaining mastery and control.

7. I’m Cozy

Even kids like to kick back, relax, and snuggle in. This is just about being comfortable and lazing around.

8. I’m Proud

This is about benevolence, defending others, nurturing others, and protecting one another.

9. I Stand Out

As kids get older they enjoy performing and expressing themselves more. This kind of fun is about identity, performance, and creativity.

10. I Dare

Shore says this is the kind of fun that kids would have a lot more of if there weren’t such a thing as consequences and getting caught. This is bold, defiant fun. It could be mischief, shenanigans or any other rule breaking.

In looking at all these different kinds of fun, I have to admit, they all sound pretty good to me. I’ve been trying to come up with the essential elements of fun for myself – what has to be in place for me to have fun? – and I’ve discovered that the biggest factor is willingness. Am I willing to have a good time? And if not, what do I need to get out of the way so that I can be willing to have fun?

Another TED presenter I listened to, Dr. Stuart Brown, says that if you’re feeling down, just get up and wiggle your body around. Jump up and down. Flail around. This kind of body play can really prep the mind for being able to have more fun. (So forgive me if I have more typos as I’m flinging myself around while I write this.)

One thing that seems to be missing for me in Shore’s list of 10 is the element of connection – not just belonging to a group, but really connecting to someone else on a very human level. Maybe it’s a little bit of all of them, or maybe it’s something that’s less important to kids. Or maybe it’s implied in the connection between the kid and the toy. But fun for me is hard to have without connection, either to my surroundings, someone else, or myself.

Think about things that you do that are fun: which elements are involved? Let’s say you love shopping. Is it the ability to go to whatever store you want and try on whatever you want that is fun? (Freedom) Is it imagining yourself at the ball wearing the gown you’re trying on that makes you smile? (I Dream) Or is it finding that chartreuse-and-puce argyle sweater that makes you squeal with joy? (I Stand Out or I’m Wacky)

If you’re down and not having fun, first, start wiggling, and then pick an aspect and try to live it up. Start dreaming. Join a group. Snuggle up with a good book. And see what happens.

Marathon Project Q&A

2011-10-08T12:19:00.004-04:00

1. Do I have to be a runner to participate?

Absolutely not! I am offering coaching to anyone on any topic. The reason this is called the “Marathon Project” is because I just want to reach the goal of coaching for 26.2 hours before 11/6 and whatever you donate goes to help to support a marathon runner.

2. What exactly is life coaching?

It’s easier to understand once you’ve experienced it, but in general, life coaching is a partnership between a coach and a client where both work together to achieve success. That can be getting the client unstuck in a current situation, setting and reaching goals, taking on new challenges, or just finding new ways to look at the world. It’s easy in life to go on auto-pilot, and working with a coach can help you see where the choices you’re making are keeping you from reaching your dreams. It’s all about asking the right questions and helping you to find the answers inside yourself.

3. Isn’t that like therapy?

Not really. Anyone can benefit from coaching, even if you don’t think there is anything “wrong” with your life. Therapy tends to look backwards and come to some understanding about what happened to you in your formative years. Coaching accepts that your past is your past and encourages you to look at what you want to do about it going forward.

4. What kinds of things can you coach about?

What we work on together really depends on what’s going on in your life. We can look at a variety of things, not the least of which include:

Relationships
Stress Management/Balance
Personal Growth/Self-Care
Career
Time Management/Organization
Creativity/Self-Expression
Money
Health

5. How does it work?

Once you schedule an hour-long phone session, you’ll identify what you want to work on. This could be something you’re struggling with – like weight, or relationships – or something that’s already going well but could be taken to the next level – like health, creativity, or career.

At the appointed time, you’ll call me. After setting up a few ground rules about how you’ll work together, you’ll explain the situation, and I will start to ask you questions about it. Where it goes from there all depends on the information that you share and your willingness to explore different options.

At the end of the call, you’ll tell me how much you are going to donate to Matt’s campaign for the American Cancer Society. The regular value of my sessions is $75/hr, but my minimum suggested donation for this project is $26 (in honor of the 26.2 miles that Matt will be running).

Then you’ll make that donation.

6. Why should I try it?

There’s absolutely no risk, so why shouldn’t you try it? You’ll get to experience coaching at steeply discounted rates, your donation to the American Cancer Society will be tax-deductible, and you’ll come out of the session with a new perspective on your situation. What is there to lose?!

(See more here.)

The Nice Day

2011-10-07T13:59:00.001-04:00

Last month I attended the “I Can Do It” conference sponsored by Hay House publishers, and there were tons of great presenters –Louise Hay, Wayne Dyer, Marianne Williamson, Cheryl Richardson, and my absolute favorite, Robert Holden.

Wayne Dyer kicked off the conference, and the idea that struck me the most out of all of the ideas he presented is that we should spend the last five minutes of our days thinking about the fulfillment of the dreams and wishes we have for our lives.

Think about the last five minutes of your day, as you’ve climbed into bed and ready to pass out for the night. What do you do in that time? Do you start to worry about all the things you didn’t get done today? Or think about how you screwed up today? Or dread getting up tomorrow morning and doing it all over? If so, that’s pretty natural. Many of us don’t pay attention to the way we send ourselves off to sleep.

But think about it for a minute. Our subconscious is the most powerful processor in our brain. But it doesn’t know the difference between what’s real and what’s imaginary, so if we soak it in frustrations or agitations before going to bed, it could very well process them as if they really happened.

Enter your good friends, Toss and Turn.

If we take the last five minutes of the day, when we’re cozy in bed, comfortable, relaxed, and have the most peace we’re likely to see all day, and we focus on what it would feel like if our wishes came true, it allows your subconscious to marinate in what you want – not what you don’t want. Remember that it’s all about attention – what you focus on is what you’re likely to see more of in your life. So focus on what you did well during the day, what it would feel like to be 25 pounds lighter, how nice it would be to snuggle up with that somebody you’ve been longing for, or how terrific it would feel to wake up to a clean house.

So Wayne Dyer may be a spiritual teacher for the ages, but my mother knew this idea instinctively. When we were little, she would read to us in bed, and then end the bedtime process by telling us the Nice Day.

“We had a nice day. We got up, and went to school. There was a hard test in math, and we did our best. We had a fight with Sherri on the bus, but it’s over now. We practiced the piano and had a good dinner with the family, and then we watched some tv, and now it’s time to go to sleep.”

Simple. Focus on the things that happened, release the stressful or the negative, focus on the positive, and let your brain go to sleep thinking about the good stuff.

My nephew is now 13 months old and, while he talks a lot, none of it is quite English yet. But my mom suggested recently to my sister that he’s old enough now for the Nice Day. And I love the thought of my sister being able to help him form a habit that will serve him for the rest of his life.

Book Review: One Small Step can Change Your Life: The Kaizen Way

2011-10-04T13:36:00.000-04:00

The idea is big, but Robert Maurer’s book is quite small. “Kaizen” is Japanese for “improvement,” and it’s the philosophy that taking small steps is the best way to make continual improvement.

Or as I once told a client, “Baby steps only go forwards.”

Think of the last time you set out to make a major change. What did you feel? Exhilaration? Exhaustion? Excitement? Trepidation? Most people, when faced with change, will feel at least some element of fear. And very often that fear can get in the way of actually making the change. The idea of kaizen is to take make such small changes that your brain doesn’t even know you’re changing, and therefore, doesn’t get in the way.

It’s kind of genius.

There are six strategies in Maurer’s book:

1. Asking small questions

2. Thinking small thoughts

3. Taking small actions

4. Solving small problems

5. Giving small rewards

6. Recognizing small moments

Let’s take a quick look at each of these.

1. Asking small questions

Your brain loves questions. Just look at how many people are drawn to crosswords and Sudoku and jigsaw puzzles. But instead of overwhelming yourself with big questions (“How can I lose 25 pounds?” “How will I ever get a job in this economy?”) focus on the small questions instead (“If health were my first priority, what would I do differently today?” “What little step could I take today towards my ideal job?”).

Watch out, though, for negative questions. We get more of what we focus on, so if you’re tempted to ask yourself “Why does this always happen to me?” or “What’s wrong with me?” your brain will be delighted to work on those questions, too. In a judgmental, awful, negative way.

2. Thinking small thoughts

This is all about visualization, or what Maurer calls “mind sculpture.” Mentally practice a task using all five of your senses, and you are much more likely to develop the skills it takes to actually engage in that task in the real world. But this isn’t about 30 minutes of meditation on a task. It’s about how many seconds a day you’re willing to devote to the effort. The idea is to make it simple, habitual, and fun. And nobody can say they don’t have an extra 45 seconds a day, right?

3. Taking small actions

If you want to clean your house, you can go into the most awful room and start trying to rid it of its clutter, but for some of us, that’s just too big an idea. And so we avoid it. Instead, if you clean your house the kaizen way, it becomes about going into that room and cleaning up for five minutes. Or removing five pieces of clutter every day. Big, bold actions often get us initial results, but don’t take into account things like lack of time, exhaustion, fear, or resistance. The smaller steps get us to the goal because they can be so easily incorporated into daily life.

Here are some suggestions for small actions you can take:

If you want to stop overspending, remove one item from your cart before checking out.

If you want to start exercising, go – just go – to the gym three times a week.

If you want to get more sleep, go to sleep one minute earlier or sleep one minute later each day.

They may not seem like much, but for anyone who is really resistant to change, these are cracks of light in an otherwise dark room.

4. Solving small problems

The key to solving small problems is catching them when they’re still small. And if you miss that window, the trick is to solve small problems in the face of really large problems. Some of this step involves trusting your gut and listening to what your instincts tell you about things – so you can prevent small problems from becoming bigger ones. Maurer has a great exercise for helping to spot the warning signs.

5. Give small rewards

Small rewards serve us best as recognition of a job well done. They can be little treats and pleasures, or simply a verbal acknowledgement of taking the small action you set out to take. A few key things to remember:

The reward should be appropriate to the goal – that is, don’t reward yourself with chocolate if your goal is to lose weight

The reward should be appropriate to the person – I, for example, would not particularly enjoy the reward of watching a football game and drinking a beer as a reward for a day of hard work, but I know plenty of people who would.

The reward should be free or inexpensive – if not, rewarding yourself for all your small steps could become a financial burden, which would subvert the whole kaizen
process.

6. Recognizing small moments

This is all about paying attention to what’s going on around you and what opportunities for change naturally arise. A couple of the examples Maurer shares are:

A flight attendant noticed that passengers weren’t eating the olives in their five-item
salads. A the time, five-item salads cost far more than four-item salads. When the fifth item (olives) was dropped from the salad, the company saved half a million dollars a year.

George de Mestral, a Swiss engineer, noticed that when he took his dog out for a walk, the dog came back covered in burrs. His attention to this small moment led to the invention of Velcro.

Having this curiosity and awareness about life allowed the opportunities for innovation and enhancement to present themselves. Combining these six steps yields a very powerful philosophy, especially for anyone who has ever been afraid, stressed, or overwhelmed by change.

And because the book is so little (and only took me a day to read), it’s the perfect first small step!

look ma, new layout!

2011-09-30T10:18:00.002-04:00

You may have noticed some changes around here. Please bear with me as I update and experiment.

Your feedback is welcome and encouraged!

what others have to say about creativity

2011-09-29T18:22:00.000-04:00

1. Be Aware

"Creativity - like human life itself - begins in darkness." -- Julia Cameron -- author

"Creativity involves breaking out of established patterns in order to look at things in a different way." -- Edward de Bono -- psychologist

"Creativity is a natural extension of our enthusiasm." -- Earl Nightingale - entertainer

"Any activity becomes creative when the doer cares about doing it right, or better." -- John Updike -- author

"I lived in solitude in the country and noticed how the monotony of a quiet life stimulates the creative mind." -- Albert Einstein -- physicist

2. Be Courageous

"An essential aspect of creativity is not being afraid to fail." -- Edwin Land -- inventor

"The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt." -- Sylvia Plath -- author

"Artistic temperament sometimes seems a battleground, a dark angel of destruction and a bright angel of creativity wrestling." -- Madeleine L'Engle -- author

"Creativity can be described as letting go of certainties." -- Gail Sheehy -- author

"But out of limitations comes creativity." -- Debbie Allen -- actress

“When in doubt, make a fool of yourself. There is a microscopically thin line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot on earth. So what the hell, leap.” – Cynthia Heimel -- writer

3. Be Expressive

"A hunch is creativity trying to tell you something." -- Frank Capra -- director

"Anxiety is part of creativity, the need to get something out, the need to be rid of something or to get in touch with something within." -- David Duchovny -- actor

“Every moment of your life is infinitely creative and the universe is endlessly bountiful. Just put forth a clear enough request, and everything your heart desires must come to you.” -- Mahatma Gandhi -- philosopher

“What is Art? It is the response of man's creative soul to the call of the Real.” – Rabindranath Tagore – poet

what I learned about creativity

2011-09-27T21:19:00.000-04:00

It's easy to think that creativity is limited to just artists. That it is some elusive force that you can't control, but can only tap into. That some people have it and other people don't. That there is an epic struggle that you must undergo to have creativity bestowed upon you. But after my creativity call this month, I came to the understanding that creativity is more about HOW you go about the things you do than WHAT exactly it is you go about.

1. Be aware

We defined creativity as doing something new, or doing something you've done before in a way you've never done it before. This creates new neuronal connections in your brain, and fills a very technical definition of creativity. (See more about this at my friend Gwen's blog here.) To create these connections, you could do something simple like brush your teeth with the non-dominant hand, or head to work via a route you don't normally take. This awkwardness or intentionality drives you to a greater sense of awareness of the present moment, and that awareness is an important part of creativity.

We talk about "flow" and being really absorbed in a creative process, be it writing a play or designing a business plan. And in this state the hours can fly by and you're not at all aware of your surroundings. (Some people (who are not me) can even ignore their bodies in this kind of flow and go without eating all day long.) So how is this flow (that ignores a rumbly tummy) an awareness of the present moment? It's by focusing intently on the work at hand -- the work in the present moment -- that our attention and awareness are drawn to the present.

2. Be expressive

There are two kinds of creativity -- the kind that stays in your head and goes unexpressed or unidentified (passive) and the kind that gets shared in some kind of medium like paint or song or words or business or your outfit (active). And you can be passively creative, solely experiencing your unique perspective on the world, or you can share that perspective with others. And it's this second kind of creativity that I think most people associate with the term "creativity."

It's kind of a tree-falls-in-the-forest situation; if you're creative without awareness or expression, are you really creative? Or are you on auto-pilot?

3. Be courageous

There are plenty of obstacles to being creative. Fear of rejection keeps plenty of people from sharing the passive creativity they enjoy in their own heads -- "oh, I can't paint that, they'll hate it." The worry that the creative project is not good enough, not creative enough, unacceptable, etc. keeps plenty of people from bringing their visions to light. And what about that nagging need to finish a project instead of allowing yourself to simply play creatively? Or the trials of being labeled as "the creative one" and having to live up to that? All of these things can be a tall order. That's why it's important to be both creative and curious with your creativity. Remove the rules that say there needs to be a finished product. Be brave enough to challenge your own notions of creativity -- that, in and of itself, is an act of creativity!

These are three simple things you can do to have more creativity in your life. Be aware, be expressive, be courageous. The steps you take in any of these directions don't have to be grand, either. I was hiking down a very slippery trail recently and found that the placement of my feet was incredibly creative -- my body was orienting itself to the trail without my conscious mind's involvement. And if I hadn't had the awareness in the present moment of what was happening, I might have missed it all together.

(And if I hadn't been expressive or courageous, you might have missed it, too!)

The Marathon Project

2011-09-21T22:54:00.002-04:00

So, it's fall in NYC, and there are boatloads of runners out there training for the marathon. They're fit, athletic, don't bounce in a lot of the same places I bounce, and in general, they look like they enjoy sweating. Part of me envies them. The other part is exhausted just thinking about it.

But they've inspired me, and in an effort to be even remotely like them, I've decided to prep for a marathon, too. Except mine doesn't involve running (or really, sweating in any way). Instead, it's a coaching marathon. So like those runners, I have a goal -- I am offering 26.2 hours of pro bono life coaching before November 6th. But unlike those runners, I don't have to get up off the couch. (Phew!)

That said, I'm looking for someone running the marathon for charity who wants to partner with me. Because instead of paying me for these 26.2 hours of coaching, my “marathon clients” will donate to the charity of a runner partner. (That's right, I have a conscience!)

All I ask for in exchange is that my runner help me publicize my coaching marathon.

Benefits to the runner include:

1. Free money! Whoever I find to coach on my own will be a donation to the runner's charity that the runner doesn't have to work for.

2. A bonus to prospective donors! The runner can offer my services as a benefit of donating, or as an enticement to donate.

3. Free publicity! Working together spreads the word, both about the coaching and the charity.

4. Free life coaching! The runner could be one of the 26.2 hours of coaching and can get help with something in his/her life (that isn’t necessarily the marathon -- though as November 6th gets closer, what else is there, really?).

5. Free PR! I know someone at the NYRR, so there’s a chance the story could get picked up.

While my runner is pounding the pavement, I will be helping people get unstuck and find new ways to make the most out of their lives. Not too shabby, eh?

My ideal partner in this project is someone who would make the most of working together – helping me to spread the word and introducing me to people who are interested in or curious about coaching.

Is that runner you? Is it your brother/sister/mother/cousin/milkman/coworker/dogwalker/cable guy? Because without a runner, the project can't go forward -- and if you're interested in getting some coaching for a tax-deductible donation to a good cause, you need a runner just as badly as I do.

So, if you're interested, or know someone else who might be, please contact me right away!

What I learned about mind

2011-09-16T20:37:00.000-04:00

August was the month of “smarts, ideas for the sake of ideas, connection, words, and learning.” Qualities I condensed for the sake of brevity into the category of Mind. And by putting my mind on Mind, a very interesting thing happened in the universe around me.

I’ve always said that my ideal mate will be Smart, Funny, and Self-Aware. These are my dealbreakers. If you’re not smart, funny, and able to display a modicum of self-awareness, we’re not a match. And smart has meant a variety of different things over the years. Book smart, street smart, dorky, nerdy, incredible at whatever it is you do, brilliant, genius… any of these would be lovely. I don’t have a baseline requirement for smarts (no minimum IQ or SAT score) but I know smart when I talk to it.

During August, I met a couple of incredibly smart men. One was book smart and in the top of his field, one was a super-brainiac and a top percentile IQ/MENSA type, one was quick-witted and sharp. And yet not one of them was right.

My interaction with these men made me realize a couple of things:

First, any time someone makes a conversation out of how smart he is, that makes me wonder how smart he actually is. This was a good reminder, as I have periodically found myself making mention of dorky things I’ve done or smartypants facts about myself. (“I threw the curve on the freshman year vocabulary test!” “I did second year calculus in high school!”) Turns out? Totally unattractive! We know smart when we see it, not when we’re told all about it. It’s one thing to drop an accomplishment or two into the conversation, but if we’re talking about your application to MENSA and just how many tests you had to ace to get in, I might have to fall asleep a little.

Second, balance is key. Being on a date with someone who is smart without being funny is like going to a really long, boring lecture where the professor may or may not try to kiss you at the end. Similarly, going out with someone who is smart without being self-aware is like listening to a recording of Stephen Hawking – fascinating, but after a while you want to turn the documentary off and talk about something stupid like Spongebob Squarepants or farts.

People – especially people we date and don’t choose – are excellent mirrors for us. I learned from these dates how important it is to also be modest, to listen well, to revel in what makes you happy (even if that’s nerdiness) but to always make sure you’re reaching out to the other person. Making a connection. Because you can only date alone in your mind.

shhhhh! this contract is silent!

2011-09-11T21:24:00.000-04:00

I was challenged recently to look at my silent contracts -- you know, the agreements we're abiding by that we've never really acknowledged as agreements. Roles we may not have signed up for but that we're playing nonetheless. Things like being a "good daughter" or "the fat sister" or "the problem solver." Some of them may be roles we want (like "the smart one" or "the pretty one") and some of them may be Sisyphean burdens that we roll up the hill of our lives day in and day out (like "the smart one" or "the pretty one").

The thing about silent contracts is that sometimes they're so silent, we don't even know we have them. I spent 30 years playing the role of "peacemaker" and "perfect daughter" not realizing that my family didn't need peace, and actually preferred me with a couple of flaws. The contracts or the roles we play can be positive, but usually they're sneakier than that. We can have silent contracts with ourselves (in fact, one could argue that's the only person they're with) but usually they're experienced in relationship to someone else.

My specific challenge? To look for places where the silent contract of being "the single one" may, in fact, be keeping me single.

Much to my surprise, I found a few.

First: Two of my best friends are married to each other. They have two sons, and five seats in their car. When they go on an adventure, there's always a seat for me. But not for my boyfriend. Is this keeping me single?

Second: My sister and brother-in-law say that I'm the only non-parental visitor that they can really tolerate. They think I'm cool and easy to get along with. But what about my boyfriend? Could he live up to that, too?

Third: The bedroom in my apartment is only big enough for a double bed. (Any bigger and you wouldn't be able to get around the foot of the bed into the rest of the house.) It gets crowded with someone else sleeping in there. Is that keeping me single?

These revelations in and of themselves are somewhat meaningless. The real question is what I want to do with this information. I'm certainly not going to stop being friends with my friends, or become an unacceptable houseguest for my sister. But I'm acknowledging that there are things to gain and things to lose whenever we give up a silent contract. I think, in this case, the gains would enough outweigh the losses. Which makes it worthwhile for me to still look for a partner.

Watch out, sis.

honesty is the best policy

2011-08-31T17:46:00.000-04:00

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine had invited me to join her at a birthday party. I love parties -- it's like going to a bar where the bouncer cards your personality -- and was particularly excited to go because my friend was going to introduce me to a guy she thought would be a good match for me. Win-win-(wine)!

A couple of hours before the party, though, my friend emailed me and said that she was exhausted, so it might take a little longer for her to rally to go to the party -- was I ok with going later? I put myself in her shoes and thought about how awful it feels to go out when I don't feel like it and I sent her an email back saying that I would be ok going alone if she would rather not go.

She was surprised that I would make the offer -- I don't love going to parties alone -- and she triple checked to make sure I was ok with it. I told her my policy: I don't make offers that I wouldn't be happy (or at least ok) with because I want people to believe that I'm ok with the offers that I do make.

A similar scenario presented itself a few days ago. A friend and I were planning on having dinner, and I was really looking forward to seeing him again after a long absence. Shortly before dinner, I got an email saying that he had had a long, tiring day and would likely be low-energy when we got together. I told him my policy, and said that I wasn't going to offer to reschedule -- why invite disappointment? -- but that if he wanted to make that offer, I wouldn't offer a lot of resistance. He clarified his comment by saying that he didn't want to reschedule, but was just giving me the heads up that he wouldn't be overly energetic. (His phrase? "I won't be juggling sparklers.") Disappointment averted!

I developed this policy after years of making offers I felt compelled or obligated to make -- offering to forego the party I was already dressed and ready for, or offering to go to a noisy, overcrowded bar when I really just wanted a quiet dinner. I did it because it felt like it was the "right thing to do," but it always left me feeling crappy afterwards. Sure, there are going to be times when things are going to be cancelled or plans will fall through -- that's unavoidable. But I don't need to go out of my way to invite people to disappoint me, especially (as happened in the second case) it wasn't on my friend's radar.

I also do this because it can send mixed signals to the other party. If I offer to cancel or reschedule or change the plans in a way that I don't want to might make the other person think it's what I DO want, and they may accommodate me accordingly.

So I just stick with honesty. And I make sure I'm consistent and that my friends know about it. So far, it has worked really well.

Hurricane Irene (or, why a restricted media diet is a good thing)

2011-08-28T13:21:00.000-04:00

It's one thing to be prepared. And so staying tuned to the news and making sure you have the latest information is important, especially in the event of an emergency (or a Pending Emergency, as this storm really turned out to be). It's another thing all together to continually bombard yourself with images and information that serve to do nothing but raise your blood pressure and anxiety levels. And I don't think it's actually the media's responsibility to monitor how much of the information you take in. That's your call. (Would I like it better if the news channels weren't fear-mongering for ratings? Yes, yes I would. But it's kind of their job to get ratings, right?)

I survived hurricane Irene easily, as did virtually all of my friends, so it's easy for me to be fairly blithe about this. But there was so much build up, so much tension before the actual storm that I started to get worried even though my apartment (and the apartment where I weathered the storm) were not in a threat zone. I made sure we took necessary precautions -- had water on hand, secured items on the roof, etc. -- and then that we turned off the TV. We checked in periodically, just to see if anything had changed, if there was any chance we'd be directly hit or otherwise affected, but as soon as the news looped back around to information we already knew, we turned it off.

Same thing with facebook. Some of my friends online were posting nothing but terrifying updates about the death toll or the misery of the flooding. And I'm not saying they shouldn't post those things, especially because they were true. Facebook can be a good way to get information shared. But I'm saying that I should be careful about how much of it I take in -- especially when the cause of the drama is something that I can't do anything about.

So should we all just sit around and be ignorant? No, of course not. But monitoring how useful the information is that we're processing and balancing that with how anxious it makes us feel is important. And we'll all have different levels of acceptability.

I think people like a little bit of drama in their lives. It helps to make us feel alive. And so a storm like this can provide us with that little bit of adrenaline. But adrenaline, not burnt on some task (like fighting or fleeing, which it was created for) can turn into stress and be quite harmful to our bodies. And the bodies of our friends and families. And we forget this.

So it's your choice as to whether or not you look at the Glenn Beck article that called Irene a blessing. (Yikes!) And it's your choice -- if you read it, how much do you read? (Two paragraphs.) And it's your choice -- you can close that window and focus instead on something where you really can make a difference. Like calling a friend. Helping a neighbor. That kind of thing.

community organizing

2011-08-10T21:32:00.000-04:00

All my life I've wanted a group of friends who all hang out and know each other. That television-inspired fantasy life where I hang out with the people from work every night. Or I go home to a whole apartment building full of amigos. But it's never been like that. I've always had great friends, but very few of them have known each other. Even in college -- my friends knew of each other, but very rarely (outside of that one directing class where just about everyone had slept with just about everyone else in a strange variety of couplings) were friends with each other.

As an actor, I lived the fantasy a bit more than I do now, since the theatre community was much smaller and I knew more of the players. While we weren't all friends, we knew people in common and we came together after work, kind of like they do on tv. People ask me if I miss acting and there are two things I do miss -- the applause and the community.

Over time, I've come to accept Some Day My Group Will Come as a fantasy, and have focused on strengthening the individual friendships that I have. But ever since I left acting, I've really missed belonging to a community. Knowing and caring about people who know and care about each other. Working together with people I enjoy towards a goal that is bigger than just hanging out. Being of service to people who I believe if the tables were turned would be of service to me.

I've done a lot recently to build my community, including reaching out to new women as friends. I'll be honest -- it can be awkward. Here I am, 34 years old, and asking women I've just met (and find awesome) if they'll be my friends. Do they want to get coffee some time? Maybe go to the beach together? I mean, could it be more second grade? I've found, though, that the awesome ones are open. They welcome me and my second grade advances. So there must be a need for community out there.

I've explored a lot of options for community recently. Committees at work. Leading a book group. Even going to church (which, if you know me, you know this means I'm serious). I'm thinking about helping adults learn to read. I'm thinking about getting more involved in alumni events. This idea of community really speaks to me, but I just don't know where to find it.

Short of having children, what do you recommend?

what I learned about presence

2011-08-07T20:59:00.000-04:00

Often, when I'm working on these different months, I don't know what the month is really about until it's almost over. And that was true with July. I started out thinking it was about sensuality, and about living in and enjoying my senses. But I realized that spending time focusing on my senses was really bringing me into the present moment. When I was chewing on that fig and goat cheese combo, I couldn't be thinking about how I was going to finish writing my class on time. When I was feeling the wind in my hair, I wasn't obsessing over when I was going to get my laundry done. And when I was hearing my nephew laugh, I was only thinking about how I could get him to do that some more. (Answer? Peek-a-boo. That kid's an addict.)

Living in the present moment when you're a really thinky person like I am, is a challenge. For years I have told myself this story about how my mind and my intellect make me funny and awesome. So I don't tamp down my brain because, according to the story, doing so would make me less funny and less awesome. I've resisted meditation. I've struggled with any definition of self that leaves out the mind. I list "smart" as one of my best qualities. Because, in fact, I think my brain's kinda sexy!

Recently, though, a teacher of mine explained meditation differently. She said that meditation wasn't about getting rid of your mind, it's about letting it rest. When I'm not calling on it to perform -- or rather, when I'm not rewarding it with my attention for performing -- it will take a break. And I can just rest in the peace and quiet. And I can feel the air conditioning on my legs. I can hear the thrum of the traffic outside. I can smell the barbecue wafting in through the window. I don't have to jump through hoops of worry. I don't have to repeat song lyrics or plan the day. I can just be here now and relax.

When I started the Year of Yes (well, ok, the 14 months of yes), I assigned the months to the qualities randomly (using Excel, because I'm a dork). Because of the way things are turning out, the month of Presence is being followed by the month of Mind. August is all about mental pursuits, the delight of ideas for the sake of ideas, and generally pushing myself to new perceptions. I've picked up a book that I think will be appropriate -- Change Your Brain, Change Your Life. And I'm looking for good lectures and learning opportunities.

At the same time that I'm fascinated by pushing my brain to new limits, I also want to retain what I've learned about presence so that I'm thinking only when I choose to. So that I'm the boss of my mind, not the other way around. I want to drive the mental bus and not just be some random passenger in a mental version of Speed. (Because if my mind the bus, what the hell is Keanu Reeves? Riddle me that one, fancy brain!)

quiz-a-palooza!

2011-07-26T21:11:00.000-04:00

Do you like taking quizzes and assessments? I do. I love knowing more about myself and finding new ways to look at my inner workings.

If you want to know whether you're authentically happy or not, what your biggest character strengths are, whether you have enough grit to make things happen, or how you're doing in terms of how much time you currently spend feeling happy, then visit www.authentichappiness.org and take an assessment or two.

Not only will you find out more about yourself, you'll be helping the positive psychologists at the University of Pennsylvania find out more about the human race.

And it beats a night of watching mindless television!

A sense of flow

2011-07-24T21:54:00.000-04:00

I'm halfway through the 14 Months of Yes and am finding that there are really two types of months to be had in this experiment -- cerebral ones and practical ones. The cerebral ones are easier to dive deeply into, since I have to think about the quality, unravel it, and really roll around in it before I can apply it to my life. Wisdom, Passion, Grace, and Surrender were incredibly think-y months for me, and it was easy to get wrapped up in them.

The practical months, however, are where I get to just go out and DO more of something than I normally get to do. Risk and Generosity were practical months, and this month, Sensuality, is about aliveness and the five senses and living-in-the-moment-ness. I am working to smell and taste and hear things more than I normally do. Taking time to re-connect with nature and the connections around me so that I can really feel alive.

I'm discovering, though, that when I'm most in the present moment, most in a sense of flow, I barely notice my five senses at all. For example, I was teaching all last week at our company's distribution center in New Jersey, and, as you may recall, it's been a hot week. When I was in front of the room, though, I had almost no concept of temperature. I was so focused on communicating the message to the learners in the room that I almost didn't feel my body at all. And at the end of the day? I was totally exhausted. (And it was 80 degrees in the room -- something my learners definitely noticed!)

Also, the hotel in which we were working (and I was staying) smelled awful. I mean, it smelled like someone barfed in the lobby and then tried to cover up the smell by spilling a bottle of cough syrup on the stain. And while I was teaching? Didn't notice it. As soon as I was done? Brutal.

In my philosophy class we talked about how important it is to focus your energy on the surface of whatever work you're doing, as a way to settle your mind and bring your attention to the present moment. So if you're typing, think about where you fingers hit the keys. If you're reading, stay aware of the page in front of you. If you're doing the dishes, focus on the dishes. And if you're teaching, focus on the space between you and the students. It's another way to sharpen your attention and keep your mind on the work that needs to be done. It also makes it easier to slip into that present moment.

I tried it with running the other day and it works wonders there, too. Focusing on how and where my feet hit the sidewalk took my mind off of all the other blah-blah-blah that was happening in my head. It made running more immediate (and, what's more important more tolerable). I'm doing it now as I type. I did it last night, as I flirted at a bar. It's a conscious effort to acknowledge that space and stay in the moment. I highly recommend it!

the difference a year can make

2011-07-07T21:20:00.000-04:00

Fifty one weeks ago, I went to Midsummer Night's Swing at Lincoln Center on a date. I had always wanted to go, and that night they were teaching the hustle, which (as far as I could tell) seemed fairly harmless. It was a second or third date, so I knew the guy a little, but not terribly well, and I was a little concerned about looking like an idiot.

I'm not a great dancer. I'm very white, and I think I might lack a joint or two. But I love to move. Aerobics? Yes, please. Running? Sure, why not. Kickboxing? You bet! So dancing is something I've wanted to do ever since I moved to the city, and (can you believe it?) I've never really been.

So my date (who, I discovered later, LOVED to dance, and probably would have hustled the hell out of the night) wandered around the periphery of the dance floor with me, and we never bought tickets. We mildly shook our booties and kindasorta hustled, but there was really no dancing to speak of.

Had he gone there without me (which, for the record, he wouldn't have), I feel confident that he would have bought a ticket and danced. And I envied him that.

Fast forward 51 weeks. It's Midsummer Night's Swing again, only this time that date is no longer in the picture. I've invited a number of friends to join me for the evening, but none are available. So I go again, this time all by myself. Because I want to be the kind of person who, when she finds herself faced with something she has always wanted to do, doesn't require an escort.

And that same embarrassment, that same reluctance to get up there and move my body crept back in. The gremlin inside kept saying awful things like, "Don't go out there; everyone will know you're alone. They'll wonder why you have no friends. They'll pity you. It's safer to stay off the dance floor. Save your $20. Just go home. You came to the event. That counts. Now just leave."

For easily 15 minutes, I wandered around Damrosch Park, watching the guy give a dance lesson, watching everyone have fun trying to do 80's hip-hop moves (which most of them really couldn't) and envying them. Why couldn't I just get in there and do it, too?

Finally, after WAY more agony than was required, I bought my ticket, checked my bag, and got on the dance floor.

I want to say it felt triumphant, but really, it didn't.

I'm glad I got over my anxiety, I'm glad I put the notch in my belt, and I'm glad that I showed myself that I can do things alone. But I'm also willing to recognize that there are some things that are just more fun when done with people you know or care about. And I think dancing to 80's covers while avoiding the flailing limbs of people even whiter than you might just be one of those things.

saying grace or grace sayings, whichever you prefer

2011-06-29T22:24:00.000-04:00

Some others' thoughts on grace:

“Gracefulness has been defined to be the outward expression of the inward harmony of the soul” William Hazlitt

"Grace is the absence of everything that indicates pain or difficulty, hesitation or incongruity.” William Hazlitt

“I want peace. I want to see if somewhere there isn't something left in life of charm and grace.” – Margaret Mitchell

“I do not at all understand the mystery of grace - only that it meets us where we are but does not leave us where it found us.” – Anne Lamott

“You are so weak.

Give up to grace.

The ocean takes care of each wave

till it gets to shore.” – Rumi

“To be able to live peaceably with hard and perverse persons, or with the disorderly, or with such as go contrary to us, is a great grace.” -Thomas À Kempis

“We're all stumbling towards the light with varying degrees of grace at any given moment.” -Bo Lozoff

“All men who live with any degree of serenity live by some assurance of grace.” -Reinhold Niebuhr

"Whatever we are waiting for - peace of mind, contentment, grace, the inner awareness of simple abundance - it will surely come to us, but only when we are ready to receive it with an open and grateful heart." Sarah Ban Breathnach

And some thoughts from Will & Grace

"Coulda, shoulda, Prada!"

"You say potato, I say vodka."

"It's the oldest story in the book. Boy meets girl. Boy wants girl to do dominatrix film. Girls says, "Naked?" Boy says, "Yeah." Girl says, "No way." Boy says, "Okay how about you just wear this rubber dress and beat this old guy with a scrub brush?" Girl says, "How hard?""

what I learned about grace

2011-06-27T22:28:00.000-04:00

I learned a number of things about grace on the call this month, not the least of which is that I'm not the only one who struggles with the definition of grace being religious, or being hinged on god or some other higher power. (I was hoping some of my more religious friends and family would join in, but, alas, they were sorely missed.)

I chose to adopt one caller's understanding of the Buddhist perspective on grace, which she summed up as "being ok in the moment with things just the way they are now." That simple definition became the building block on which we anchored much of the later discussion.

As we talked, we decided that "being ok" wasn't quite thorough enough, and we identified other qualities that must be present in order for grace to arrive: awareness, mindfulness, acceptance, love, gratitude, and authenticity. Because authenticity is such a strong value of mine, I discovered that part of why I have seen grace as "living in alignment with my values" is simply because grace requires me to be authentic. It's kind of a chicken-and-the-egg thing. Was I authentic first, and then grace descended? Or was grace descending, and I authentically met it?

When we are out of grace, we are in more of a reactionary and less of a responsive place. Which, if you think about the dancer metaphor from the earlier post, makes sense. Reacting is all elbows and stomping; responding is flow and acceptance. We also realized that there is no such thing as too much grace, or negative grace. Sure, there's the condescending form of the verb ("he graced us with his presence") but we kept that benediction synonym out of the discussion.

We looked at the three graces in Greek mythology -- the goddesses of charm, beauty, and creativity. (Not an in depth look, mind you. Just one that was charming, beautiful, creative, and short.)

We looked at the i-Ching and what it has to say about grace, namely that it is a vision of possible perfection, and that in the state of grace one should look within and enjoy the pleasure of being in a pretty perfect place. However, there should be no grasping of that vision or perfection. Grace is kind of like that bright shiny thing in the Abyss -- you can't force it, it only comes when you're ready. And bad things might happen if you try to force it.

We also looked at purpose, and how purpose relates to grace. I feel, in many ways, that it is my purpose on earth to help people find their own ways to grace. To experience that acceptance, love, authenticity, flow, and general well-being that accompanies grace. The danger, though, as warned by the i-Ching is that the state of grace should not be shaped into something else. That it is meant only to be what it is, and nothing more.

Except, maybe, a short little piece about what I learned...

how grace (as in moving) is like grace (as in being moved)

2011-06-14T22:19:00.001-04:00

I've been thinking about people who have the ability to move through space with agility and not crash into things. Or people who can take a dance class and not look like a robot made entirely out of elbows. Or people who glide rather than stumble. Or people who can employ their bodies in such a way as to enhance their appeal rather than just dragging them along because they're stuck in them.

And I've noticed some similarities between those graceful people and people who are full of grace. (The other kind.)

1. Graceful people stretch.

It's not sheer luck that those glidey folks have a strong relationship with their bodies. Many of them work on that connection regularly, and part of that is stretching. Reaching past themselves towards others, or towards greater fulfillment. Or simply reaching out, away from themselves.

2. Graceful people don't flail.

I'm noticing my tendency to emotionally flail. So much so in the last few days that I'm getting exhausted by it. One day things seem perfect, the next they seem to have fallen into the toilet, and there's only my bare hand to pull them out. To fill myself with grace, I have to curb this tendency. I'm struggling with it (which is causing its own flailing, no doubt), but am finding that focusing on the present moment and letting go of judgments, shoulds, and other thoughts is helpful.

3. Graceful people have terrific alignment.

This is, to me, the core of the non-moving-around grace. It's finding an alignment between what I believe, what I value, what I love, and what I do. When I'm in that place, my metaphorical vertebrae are perfectly stacked on top of each other. When I bend over backwards or contort myself out of my "natural" state, I lose my grace.

4. Graceful people can choose to look ungraceful.

Grace is about choice. I can choose to live in alignment, or I can choose to allow myself to get out of whack. (Though, truth be told, I'm a little out of whack at the moment and it does NOT feel like a choice. So I have sympathy for those who say it's not a choice, while still believing it is. In fairness, I'm not always sure how to choose it.)

5. Graceful people star in movies with Fred Astaire.

6. Graceful people radiate light.

They make it easy to be around them. They will adapt to the circumstances with ease and flexibility (because they stretch) and they shine.

In both senses of the word, I aspire to have more grace.

there but for the grace of June go I

2011-06-09T23:14:00.001-04:00

It's a new month, which means a new set of qualities to explore; this time it's Grace, Transcendence, Presence, Patience, Honor, Peace, or, for the purposes of simplicity, Grace.

Now, I'm clumsy. I bruise easily, and sometimes act like a cat with its whiskers cut. It also just so happens that falling down is a family pastime, so when I say "grace," I'm not talking about the ability to move through space without bumping into things. Nor am I looking at the kind of grace you "say" while sitting around a table drooling over your mashed potatoes. I'm looking at something more internal, something quiet and gentle that combines the human/alive elements of presence and patience with the spiritual pieces of peace and transcendence.

Many people see grace as having a relationship with god or some other higher power. And to some extent I agree with those people -- any time I connect with the best qualities in myself, I feel like I'm aligning with the best parts of the universe. But for me, the experience of grace is very personal and is very much within my own ability to control. When I speak or act with heart, I feel grace. When I live in alignment, I feel grace. When I rely on the fortitude of my own convictions, I feel grace.

A lot of my definition of grace as a quality has been shaped by a play a friend of mine wrote that I saw performed a couple of years ago. Simply titled "Grace," my friend Sara Thigpen's play was one of the most beautiful and moving pieces of theatre I've seen in a long time. Though many of the details of the storyline escape me (all these years later) I remember seeing situations that called on women in difficult positions to soldier through -- but to do so delicately, carefully, lovingly. The play was so full of genuine care, love, and dedication, it made me want to know those women, to have them care for me. And that's the kind of energy I want to put out there in the world.

An old boyfriend of mine once told me he felt I was the tree under which he could take off his skin and sit in the shade of my love. And that feels like grace. The creating of a safe place, a shelter, a haven; I think those take grace.

Grace takes optimism and effort. It takes alignment and intention. And I'm excited to give those this month to find out more about it.

How do you define grace?

what they say about wisdom

2011-06-01T23:24:00.000-04:00

The teacher who is indeed wise does not bid you to enter the house of his wisdom but rather leads you to the threshold of your mind.- Kahlil Gibran

You can tell whether a man is clever by his answers. You can tell whether a man is wise by his questions.- Naguib Mahfouz

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something. - Plato

Without courage, wisdom bears no fruit.- Baltasar Gracian (I have no idea who this person is, but I like that his name looks suspiciously like "Battlestar Galactica")

A short saying often contains much wisdom.- Sophocles (very meta, that Sophocles.)

It is characteristic of wisdom not to do desperate things.- Henry David Thoreau

The great teachings unanimously emphasize that all the peace, wisdom, and joy in the universe are already within us; we don't have to gain, develop, or attain them. We're like a child standing in a beautiful park with his eyes shut tight. We don't need to imagine trees, flowers, deer, birds, and sky; we merely need to open our eyes and realize what is already here, who we really are -- as soon as we quit pretending we're small or unholy.- Bo Lozoff (again... sounds like a phony name to me, but I really like the quote)

By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest. - Confucius

Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom. - Thomas Jefferson

a word to the wise

2011-05-23T21:41:00.000-04:00

Complete the sentence "When I am wise, I..."

What do you come up with? It's an interesting twist on the question of what makes up wisdom. This month, as I've been looking at wisdom, I've discovered there are times that I'm wise, and times I'm more of a wise-ass. The difference involves self-awareness, temperance, and pacing.

So, When I am wise, I:

-- have respect for myself.

This includes setting boundaries, acting in such a way as to have no regrets, and doing for myself what I want others to do. This means not playing the victim or waiting for someone to rescue me.

-- am deliberate, but not overwrought.

I focus on the actions I decide to take, but don't obsess over them. I am clear in my thinking, grounded in my sense of self, and slow down a bit. Often my first instincts are wise, but for me the wiser path is to look at them a little bit first.

-- am loving.

I had the opportunity recently to celebrate the birthday of someone I care about deeply. And while our friendship has been rocky and gone through the wringer a couple of times in the last year, I decided it was important (for both of us) to just show up and love him. Not Gone With the Wind or Wuthering Heights love, but open-hearted, soul-filling love. I set boundaries, was deliberate, and just opened my heart. It was one of the most beautiful days ever.

So what's it like when you are wise?

What is Wisdom?

2011-05-15T15:21:00.000-04:00

So May's theme is wisdom, and the tricky part for me about this month is where to start. How on earth do I describe wisdom? It's one of those know-it-when-I-see-it-(or-experience-it) things. I started out thinking it was knowledge and experience, but it's more than that. There's a depth to the knowledge and experience, and a peace to it, too, that makes wisdom the valuable quality it is.

The dictionary defines wisdom as "knowledge of what is true or right coupled with just judgment as to action." I like that because it combines a way of knowing with a way of being. It tells me that a wise person doesn't just sit up on a mountaintop thinking wise thoughts. She makes wise decisions and lives through wise actions.

I'm taking a philosophy class at the School of Practical Philosophy, which I highly recommend, and we're studying happiness. One of the keys to happiness, the curriculum argues, is wisdom.

So this week in class we talked about the Platonic Virtues, those qualities Plato said are essential to any society's happiness and prosperity. He breaks them down into "divine" virtues and "human" virtues and says that if you go after the divine ones, you'll get the human ones as part of the bargain. However, if you go only for the human ones (without the divine ones), you won't get any of them. (Bummer, right?)

The divine virtues are Wisdom, Temperance, Justice, and Courage. The human virtues are Health, Beauty, Strength, and Wealth. And I can see his point. If we go for beauty with no thought for wisdom or temperance, we'll end up with tv shows like The Swan or little girls who get forced into beauty pageants too young. If we go for strength without wisdom, we get, well, Arnold Schwartzenegger. (Sorry, I couldn't resist.)

Having completed a month on risk, I feel I'm a step ahead in the wisdom category, as I'm already well practiced with courage. And courage is a huge part of wisdom -- being courageous enough to take "right action."

All of this is well and good, but what am I actually DOING to practice wisdom? I'm trying to live fully in the moment and make decisions I won't regret. Sometimes they take a lot more effort than I want to expend at the time, but so far it's really felt worth it. Because if I can live a whole month with no regrets... what a month!

Join me next Sunday, May 22nd at 4pm for a discussion on wisdom! Just call 712.775.7100 and use the participant passcode of 500681# to join.

So, what did you risk, Kate?

2011-05-04T23:21:00.000-04:00

The month of Risk is over, and what a great month it was! Here are a smattering of the risks I took, and why they were risky:

1. Setting clear boundaries with a date -- eek! he might not like me!

2. Going to an OA meeting -- yikes! I might have food issues!

3. Starting a friendship with someone I previously had a crush on -- oh no! I might get hurt!

4. Cutting off all my hair -- ack! I might look so stupid that nobody would ever ask me out again!

Needless to say, one of the things I learned about risk is that it is incredibly personal. What's risky for me could be a walk in the park for you, and vice versa. Also, what's risky for me at this point in my life could, at some other point, have been no great shakes.

Enter my mom.

When I asked her about risk, my mom told me about the risks she took when she moved to New York in the 60's. She had a degree in journalism from Northwestern University and moved to the city completely alone looking for a job writing advertising. (Can you say "Mad Men"?) And, unbeknownst to my mother, the way a woman got a job as a writer in those days was to take a job as a secretary and then get promoted to a writer's position. But my mom a) didn't know that, and b) didn't want to be a secretary. So when she was offered a couple of secretarial positions, she turned them down flat. She was, finally, offered a writing position at an agency, but not before going through several interviews. Had she known at the time what was "expected," she told me, she never would have done anything quite so risky. But what I love about it is how courageous and forthright she was. She wanted what she wanted and went after it the only way she knew how. Risk or no risk.

Another friend told me that "risk is risk the way gravity is gravity, but you may not feel it until you experience the effects." And I'll be honest -- the effects ranged from "meh" to "aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahimgonnadieijustknowit!" But there was a consistent dedication I felt in pursuing all my risks; I was doing it for the greater good of the Kate. And that made facing down the fear all the more bearable.

It was an exciting and mind-bending month; I HIGHLY recommend an experiment like this one!

that which we resist persists

2011-04-26T10:57:00.000-04:00

About ten years ago, I was working with a therapist who, after a couple of sessions where I talked about my relationship with food, suggested I go to an Overeaters Anonymous meeting, just to see if it would help.

And the minute she said it, every single cell in my body revolted. I wanted to die. There was absolutely NO WAY I would go to one of those meetings. Never. Ever. Not in a million years, not if you gave me a million dollars. Never. Not if the room was full of hot, eligible bachelors. Not if it meant I would never overeat again. If I happened to be running down the hall of a burning building and the only way out was through an OA meeting, I'd burn up with the industrial carpeting. Not. A. Snowball's. Chance. In. Hell.

A simple suggestion, one that I could take or discard, and my whole essence was ready to drop a very small, very targeted nuclear bomb on the sweet, dear therapist who mentioned the idea.

Needless to say, ten years passed, and my relationship with food has remained interesting.

When I feel good about myself, food is my nourishment. When I feel bad, it's my comfort. And I think that's pretty "normal." But since I don't see anyone else eat, and can't get inside the heads of other eaters, I have no idea whether my relationship is dysfunctional or not. However, some part of me desperately fears that it is. Otherwise I wouldn't be willing to burn up with the carpeting.

So, last week, in honor of the Year of Yes! (well, ok the fourteen months of yes) and in an exploration of Risk, I went. And it was scary. And it was awkward. And the building had some truly horrid industrial carpeting. But what's most important is that I made it out the other side. Was I like some of the women in that room? Yes. We all had tricky relationships with food. Was I not like some of the women in that room? Yes. And for privacy reasons I won't say why.

What I was afraid of was the label. I was afraid of admitting that my relationship with food might have been "abnormal" or "dysfunctional" which would, by association, make me a failure. Yes, it was that simple. If I went to a meeting of people who had trouble controlling their eating and found I was like them in any way, I was a failure.

I'm pleased that I went, and I'm incredibly proud of myself for facing that silly little fear that's been holding me back for ten years. Will I go again? Not to that particular meeting. I'll try another one, just to see, but I don't particularly care for the 12 Step model.

So I'll throw it out to you: what are you afraid of? What one thing does your whole body create a violent reaction to when you consider doing it? And if you could do it safely, what would it take for you to do it?

doing The Work

2011-04-24T09:00:00.000-04:00

A few weeks ago I went to a two-day workshop with Byron Katie, a teacher and leader who has developed a very clean, streamlined way of digging a little deeper into the thoughts and beliefs that keep you stuck. And while I didn't care for Katie herself (she was a little holier-and-more-transcendental-than-thou than I care for in my teachers), much to my own surprise and consternation, I got a lot out of her workshop.*

The first thing we did when the workshop started was to fill in a Judge Your Neighbor Worksheet. (You can get one, too, for free here.) You're asked to think of a specific situation in the past that has caused you pain and continues to cause you pain or discomfort whenever you think about it. Then, with that scenario in mind, you fill in the statements on the page.

Once your statements about what you needed someone else to do, say, think, or feel in that situation are on the page, you take a deep breath, and go back and question those statements. I'll go through one of mine as an example.

I looked back on a breakup situation and wrote "In that situation, I am angry with Frank because he wasn't ready to be in a relationship with me." (The underlined phrases are what I filled in. And "Frank," as usual, is a pseudonym.)

That statement is then subjected to four questions:

1. Is it true?

2. Can you absolutely know that it's true?

3. How do you react (behave) when you believe that thought?

4. Who would you be without that thought?

So, was it true? It sure seemed true. I was angry. I was angry at Frank. And he wasn't ready to be in a relationship with me -- he even said so. So it seemed pretty true. But when I got to the next question -- can I absolutely know that it's true -- things fell apart. Frank may have told me that to get me off his back. He may have changed in the several months since we split up. He may have been ready, but the timing wasn't right, etc. There was really no way of knowing what was going on outside the confines of my own head.

So the answer to the second question was No.

How I react when I believe that thought is to get frustrated all over again. To feel like I'm not worth being ready to be in a relationship for. To feel like I'll never be in a relationship. I feel angry, and sorry, and frustrated, and fired up, and invested. None of which is pretty.

So who would I be without these thoughts? I'd be more free. I could be more understanding, less judgmental, less angry, less invested. I could be a better friend to him. I could be a better friend to myself.

(See how this is starting to work?)

Then, the final step is to take the statement through a series of turnarounds.

Initial statement: "Frank wasn't ready to be in a relationship with me."

First: I wasn't ready to be in a relationship with me. (Doesn't feel very true, but I sit with it anyway.)

Second: I wasn't ready to be in a relationship with Frank. (Again, doesn't feel very true, but I let the ideas wash over me.)

Third: Frank was ready to be in a relationship with me. (This one had a little more impact, because it allowed me to see what a relationship at that point would have been like. It wouldn't have been the kind of relationship I would choose, that's for sure.)

I used this technique on a series of non-useful beliefs to great results. Imagine this one:

"I'm going to be single for the rest of my life."

First: I'm not going to be single for the rest of my life. (Heard it.)

Second: I'm going to be single only for a short time. (Hmmm, all of a sudden, singlehood is a precious commodity...)

Third: I'm going to be partnered up for the rest of my life. (Wow! I better make the most of this singleness now, that's for sure!)

I recommend picking up a worksheet, taking yourself through it, and sitting with a friend, coach, or trusted advisor and having that person take you through the questions and turnarounds. And when you're done, you can thank me for saving you $295 and a day and a half of uncomfortable hotel seats and recycled air.

* When I don't like a teacher personally, I don't want to like her work. I don't know why, but it probably has to do with a smallness and competitiveness in me that says, "But you don't like her, her work can't be good!"

what makes yoga risky?

2011-04-17T18:39:00.001-04:00

I headed out the door today to a yoga class feeling nervous. What if I looked like an idiot? What if I did everything wrong? What if I was that loud, obnoxious, nervous person who laughs at everything, only because she's nervous? What if everyone there knew each other and my showing up meant that someone who regularly takes the class wouldn't be able to get in and then everyone in the room would be angry at the new girl who ruined everything?

Welcome to my fears. You can see how going to yoga was a risk for me today.

Dictionary.com defines risk as "exposure to the chance of injury or loss; a hazard or dangerous chance." And that's what I was facing at yoga class. I might lose my sense of myself as a "cool" person -- not that there's much there to lose, honestly, but I tend to cling to those shreds tightly. I might face danger in a room full of angry, experienced students who resent my intrusion. And, more likely than any of the others, I might get stuck in a backward bend with the heels of my feet stuck to my ribcage and not be able to get up ever again.

I'm a confident (and flexible) person, so I knew these catastrophic eventualities were unlikely. I was headed to the YMCA, not The Studio for Professional Yogis Only, for crying out loud, and it was a beautiful Sunday afternoon. Most regulars were probably in the park.

Because I was willing to risk looking stupid, because I was willing to face the hostility of an imagined clique, and because I could delineate these threats beforehand, I could see that I was taking a risk. And recognizing that I'm willing to risk metaphorical sticks and stones hurtled at my being makes me realize how much stronger I am than I think. And how much more I could do if I just let myself believe.

So here's my challenge for you: what's something that you've wanted? Something you've been jonesing for but have allowed small risks to stand in your way? Go and do it. Have it. Be it. Take the risk. It might fail miserably, but at least that way you'll know.

(And for the record, while the heels of my feet did almost touch my ribcage, they didn't get stuck there, and I felt so well-cared-for at the yoga class, I want to become a regular myself!)

It's time for April!

2011-04-10T22:02:00.000-04:00

When I started this Year of Yes (well, ok, the 14 months of yes) project, the qualities I had grouped together for this month were "adventure, thrill, risk, and aliveness." And I had visions of myself hang gliding, shooting guns, climbing rock walls, and otherwise having all the adventures a girl can have in the city.

But as I've revisited the topic over the last week and a half, I've discovered that I am likely to do those things anyway (albeit in a warmer month, perhaps), and so exploring the quality of "Adventure" might not benefit me as much as something else. So I've shifted focus a little, and am now looking at Risk. What am I willing to risk to have what I want? What am I willing to risk to be who I want to be?

In my daily practice, I sit and write five things I'm grateful for, five things I get credit for, and now, five or so things I'm willing to risk to be who I want to be. They're often things like "looking like a fool" or "rejection," things that I am already unconsciously willing to risk, but I find that bringing them to light and intentionally putting them on the line makes my choices more rich.

For example, I reached out to someone I had stopped communicating with and asked if being friends would be possible. What was the worst he could say, no? Ok, I was already willing to risk that. I was willing to risk an awkward conversation, possible rejection, hurt feelings, and/or an uncomfortable friendship on the chance that what I'd get in return was a rewarding connection with someone I find funny and intelligent. I'm finding that risk is really rich -- it's not about risking my neck (as my mother has already pleasantly worried), but rather bringing focus to those things that I cling to for comfort, and being willing to let some of them go.

Because I never know what will be on the other side of them.

help from one of my favorite podcasts

2011-04-05T19:43:00.000-04:00

Think about the last time you didn't get something that you wanted. When you look back at what got in your way, what was it?

Most of the time, when we're truly honest, the answer to that question is "me." (And I don't mean me, Kate Sandberg. I mean "me," you.)

Radiolab, one of my favorite podcasts that blends science with humanity and storytelling, has done an episode on some of the things you can do when your biggest obstacle is yourself.

(My favorite part is at the beginning, when Elizabeth Gilbert talks about how Tom Waits talks to his muse. Because picturing what she describes is so delightful...)

they say it so much better than I do

2011-03-25T18:54:00.000-04:00

Thoughts on surrender from people who aren't me:

All compromise is based on give and take, but there can be no give and take on fundamentals. Any compromise on mere fundamentals is a surrender. For it is all give and no take.
Mohandas Gandhi
(I've said this, just not as well...)

At fifteen life had taught me undeniably that surrender, in its place, was as honorable as resistance, especially if one had no choice.
Maya Angelou

If you surrender completely to the moments as they pass, you live more richly those moments.
Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Love is an attempt at penetrating another being, but it can only succeed if the surrender is mutual.
Octavio Paz

The creative process is a process of surrender, not control.
Julia Cameron

Better indeed is knowledge than mechanical practice. Better than knowledge is meditation. But better still is surrender of attachment to results, because there follows immediate peace.

Bhagavad Gita

When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength.

Arnold Schwarzenegger

Surrender is faith that the power of Love can accomplish anything even when you cannot forsee the outcome.

Deepak Chopra

Surrendering completely to love, be it human or divine, means giving up everything, including our own well-being or our ability to make decisions. It means loving in the deepest sense of the word.

Paulo Coelho

Completion comes not from adding another piece to ourselves but from surrendering our ideas of perfection.

Mark Epstein

Have additional ones? That's what the comments are for!

what I learned about surrender

2011-03-25T18:21:00.000-04:00

Another great call on another great topic!

We opened the call talking about the yin and yang of surrender, how there's good surrender and bad surrender (as I discussed in my last post). And that led us to talk about bad surrender, or "surrendering to temptation" -- which, we agreed, was very similar to getting lost in unhealthy passion. What is it that tempts us to surrender things we hold dear, and what is it that reminds us to dig in our heels and stand up for ourselves?

Some of us surrender to others so we can have "peace" or "tranquility" -- the upset stays within us, where we can control it. Others surrender to others in hopes of getting what they want. There is also that alluring sense of "I'm not supposed to do this" in surrendering to temptation; a feeling that we're getting away with something.

So what do we get when we hold strong? A stronger relationship with our higher selves. A sense that we are being guided by what's best for us instead of what we want right now. An alignment with our fate. I call this part of myself the Babysitter Self. She keeps me from eating late at night, drinking too much, or calling someone who drives me nuts just because I'm lonely.

And how do we get to hang out with the higher self? By making decisions that are in alignment with our values. To do that, my relationship with my coach (the indomitable Robin Jones) has been incredibly valuable. His faith in me has helped me build my strength in myself and, on those unpleasant occasions when my strength goes on vacation, knowing that he believes in me has propelled me to great victories. Similarly, my sister has been an incredible source of strength for me, loving me in her tough and gentle way. (The idea of admitting to my sister that I surrendered a value I hold dear is enough to make me think twice about doing it.)

Interestingly enough, we also uncovered that surrender is both about acceptance and release -- which is kind of funny if you think of that as something coming in and something going out. When we accept things the way they are, we surrender to reality (as it is) instead of fantasy (as we would like it to be). When we release expectations, we can accept things more easily, and have fewer expectations. It's like a snake eating its tail... except more beautiful and less gross.

I admitted on the call to not having felt the "religious" experience of surrender -- some big, sweeping emotion taking me over and letting myself dive into the depths of it. I've wanted that all month, and it hasn't happened. (In fact, just the opposite, as I've found myself in a position that required me to hold quite firm.) But that sparked a discussion about trusting the universe, letting go and letting god, and the challenge of having faith; believing that if I stop searching for something that the universe will provide it for me.

Surrender's not over yet, but already I've found myself focusing more on Release than surrender. Because releasing is something I can do -- I can release the judgments I have about myself. I can release the beliefs I have about aging. And I can release them more gracefully than I can surrender to them.

the opposite of surrender

2011-03-20T12:51:00.000-04:00

There is an element to surrender that's about capitulation and letting go of the expectation that things are going to go your way. And that can be a beautiful thing if you're surrendering, say, an addiction or a destructive habit. It's another thing all together, though, to surrender something important to you.

When I am challenged by someone wanting to change a belief of mine, I will almost certainly consider the other person's argument. Let's say someone wanted to tell me that coaching doesn't work, or that Sarah Palin would be a good president. I would disagree, reach out to his or her side to find common ground -- i.e., times when coaching doesn't work, or times when Sarah looks cute in a suit -- and then return to my own idea to reexamine it in light of the new perspective. Sometimes I change my mind, and sometimes I don't.

If I were to surrender my belief, though, immediately upon questioning, or just because it was questioned, I would be chipping away at the collection of beliefs I have that make up me. Some of them I'm willing to discard or surrender, but others are too valuable to me.

What I'm saying is that there's a time for surrender, and there's a time for digging in your heels and standing up for what's important to you.

So how do I know when to surrender, and when to hold fast? I make mistakes. I surrender something I shouldn't, once, and decide not to do it again next time. Or I hold fast to an idea far longer than it serves me. So I try really hard not to beat myself up for my mistakes because without them, I wouldn't know better the next time. I also try to surround myself with people who understand that I am continuing to grow, and that being around me will occasionally lead to experimentation and failure.

And it will also, undoubtedly, lead to great success.

Surrender Dorothy!

2011-03-09T21:31:00.000-05:00

Before this month, the last time I thought about surrender was either while watching a WWII movie or during a Dove chocolate commercial (probably playing in the middle of the movie).

So I have to say that tackling this topic has been slightly unwieldy. It's not a common occurrence for us to face surrender -- or to surrender things. Or is it?

The first thing I discovered about surrender is that there is always an opposing force. Either I surrender something (like my dignity, say, when I run into the door frame at work in front of a class full of students) or I surrender to something (like giving in to my urge for a Take 5 at work*). But if I'm surrendering something, I'm giving it away to someone or something, and if I surrender to something I'm giving IN to someone or something. One cannot surrender in a vacuum. (One can, however, surrender TO a vacuum. Another story all together.)

The second thing I'm learning about surrender is that it's not 100% virtuous. At first I was attempting to surrender my misconceptions, my expectations, and my demands, while at the same time surrendering to the current moment, the situation at hand, or the flow of the universe. And then I realized that there are times at which surrender isn't called for, and yet I surrender anyway. (See Take 5 comment, above.)

So the challenge for surrender is about striking an adequate balance between releasing what doesn't serve me, and releasing into what does.

I'm beginning to examine the difference between surrender and submission, surrender and resignation, surrender and quitting, and surrender and relinquishing. While these are all pretty heady distinctions, I think they're important because the other words all have a negative connotation to me, but surrender doesn't.

Though maybe it should...

Luckily, I still have half a month to consider it.

Join me? I've got another call scheduled on Sunday, March 21st at 4:30 p.m. Surrender to it!

Oh, and p.s. Do you know where "Surrender Dorothy" comes from? I'm surprised at the number of people who haven't been getting my reference...

*in my defense, have you ever HAD a Take 5? Chocolate, peanut butter, pretzels, rich, single millionaires... all in one bite!

what others have to say about passion

2011-02-26T17:03:00.001-05:00

The month is winding down, and I was sitting here thinking about what I was going to write for March -- which has now been altered a little from its previous fart-like phrasing (air, space, wind, release) to Surrender. And I realized that I wasn't giving Passion its full due.

Sorry, Passion. Won't do it again.

I found a number of famous people talking about passion, and thought some of them were particularly interesting.

Like Cicero:

“He only employs his passion who can make no use of his reason.”

Or my good friend T. Alan Armstrong*

“If there is no passion in your life, then have you really lived? Find your passion, whatever it may be. Become it, and let it become you and you will find great things happen FOR you, TO you and BECAUSE of you."

Fellini:

“There is no end. There is no beginning. There is only the passion of life.”

Ye Olde Proverb:

“Our passions are the winds that propel our vessel. Our reason is the pilot that steers her. Without winds the vessel would not move and without a pilot she would be lost.”

Ben Franklin:

“If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.”

D.H. Lawrence:

“Be still when you have nothing to say; when genuine passion moves you, say what you've got to say, and say it hot.”

Someone:

“Love without passion is dreary; passion without love is horrific.”

François de la Rochefoucauld:

“If we resist our passions, it is more through their weakness than from our strength.”

And my favorite, Joss Whedon:

“Passion, it lies in all of us, sleeping... waiting... and though unwanted... unbidden... it will stir... open its jaws and howl. It speaks to us... guides us... passion rules us all, and we obey. What other choice do we have? Passion is the source of our finest moments. The joy of love... the clarity of hatred... and the ecstasy of grief. It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion maybe we'd know some kind of peace... but we would be hollow... Empty rooms shuttered and dank. Without passion we'd be truly dead.”

I love the way so many of them contrast reason with passion and point out how easy it is to be overwhelmed by passion, or driven by it. At the same time, many of these quotes also speak to our tendency to ignore passion or leave it behind. As if passion is an all-or-nothing debate. Either you're a rational person or a passionate person, and while there's a desirable blend of both, few seem to master it.

Back when I was acting, there was a side of me that was truly a passionate artist, who acted as a craft and an art form and for whom the time, effort, blood, sweat, and tears was all part of the deal. And there was also a part of me that recognized that I wanted to make a living at it, so I had to be more rational, more balanced, and live more with my brain than with my heart.

I had a conversation with my father around that time about theatre as a business, and he talked about investments and equity and return on investment and I told him the thing that would keep theatre from being a business the way, say, publishing or manufacturing is a business is the passion of the people involved. Most actors will work for free. Some will even pay you to let them work. There is a heart to that community that is missing (in my personal experience) in others. So while there is truly a rational side to any art, I would argue that most of it is about passion.

But unlike Cicero, I think that people who use their passion AND their reason are in the best shape. It's like the kiss quote -- not enough passion and reason is dull, not enough reason and passion is too much.

*yeah, I have no idea who he is.

what I learned about passion

2011-02-22T21:45:00.000-05:00

So it turns out that one of the things I'm most passionate about is passion! I was generous with my generosity in January, so who knows? Maybe in March I'll surrender to surrendering.

First I'd like to thank the participants who showed up for the call this weekend. I learned a lot from them, and was really fascinated by where our conversation took us.

The first highlight is the difference between healthy passion and unhealthy passion. Healthy passion was defined as the fire that comes from a conscious engagement with what aligns you. It's the energy of being on purpose, and can sometimes take determination and willpower to manifest itself. And unhealthy passion is the kind of whirlwind energy that, like an addiction, can take you over and point you in directions that don't serve you. They have that driving force in common, except that healthy passion drives you to where you want to be, where you're meant to be, and unhealthy passion drives you over the cliff -- kind of fun on the way there, but in the end, it wrecks your car and you have a hard time walking.

It's easy to get sidetracked by unhealthy passion because it mirrors and mimics healthy passion; as healthy passion ebbs and flows, unhealthy passion tends to just flow. So it's easy to ride that wave -- whether it's a relationship, a drug, obsessive thoughts, what have you -- because it feels just like the flow of the healthy passion. It's the ebbing that's more difficult.

We also talked about the similarities between "passion" and "passive" -- essentially they both involve being taken over by something outside yourself. Passion tends to move you forward, passive tends to keep you static and move things around you.

We talked about how passion, oddly enough, can take work. That it's one thing to sit around and claim to be passionate, and it's another thing all together to get out there and make things happen in the areas where you are passionate. For example, it's one thing to say "I'm passionate about writing music," and another thing to regularly put in the time it takes music to be written. Many people are passionate about the goal, but fewer are passionate about the journey to reach it.

I asked the question, "What can someone do when they aren't feeling passionate? How do you get passion back in your life?" And here are a couple of the answers:

-- be aware of what your passions are

-- have courage to pursue your passions

-- adjust your belief system so that being passionate is valuable

-- spend time with passionate people

-- be careful how and where you spend your time

Essentially, it was agreed that there was little an outside person could do about somebody else's passion except leave it up to that person to bring back his or her own fire.

The most interesting and exciting part of the call to me, however, was when I asked the participants to use a three word combination to describe their understanding of passion. Here's what came out:

1) deep interest, commitment, engagement

2) heavy, complicated, light

3) excitement, transcendence, irresistible attraction

4) joy, purpose, transcendence

5) aliveness, alignment, yes!

These definitions led us to a discussion of passion as something that flourishes in the face of a struggle. If what you're passionate about comes easily, it's not as rewarding as it is if you have to struggle to attain your passion. One participant called the struggle "suffering," and I agree with that in the sense of not-suffering-fools (as opposed to suffering-torment (or suffering-succotash)). And I think that my struggle to understand passion has helped me feel more passionate about understanding it. Kind of a never ending cycle, actually!

Finally, we discussed the sliding scale of passion, which enables me to be passionate about connecting with people and about reading books, but where my passion for people is about a 47 (out of 10) in intensity, my passion for books is about a 9 (out of 10). Probably because "connection" or "communication" are my umbrella passions, and theatre, books, and linguistics all fall underneath it.

It's been really exciting engaging in this study so far. I really had a hard time with it at first, but after a month of putting in the work, I'm starting to see the rewards.

And just in case I haven't done enough, the Passion of the Christ is at the top of my Netflix queue. Just because.

I'm a passionista!

2011-02-15T22:39:00.000-05:00

In furtherance of the Year of Yes! (well, ok, the fourteen months of yes), this month's focus is on passion. And I'll be honest, I've really been struggling with it.

Part of my struggle is the fact that the Year of Yes! (well, ok, the fourteen months of yes) is really about doing things on my own. Being alone, but welcoming others to join me in my adventures. But the things that I'm most passionate about involve connection, communication, and otherwise engaging with people who aren't me. So I got a little stuck.

I've been refocusing my attention on passion, and trying to define what I mean when I say that someone "is passionate." Can a person be passionate without having an object of their passion? For example, can I simply say that Kate is a passionate person? Or do I have to say what Kate is passionate about? And if I say that Kate is simply passionate, what is it that she says or does that demonstrates that she's passionate? How do we recognize passionate people? And will identifying those qualities help us define passion?

Can passion stand alone? Or does it act as an amplifier to something else -- like being passionately angry, or loving passionately?

Another trap I fell into earlier in the month is thinking that passion is some all consuming thing. That it's bigger than life and only a scant few really have it. Because I think our society believes that's true. That passion is this driving force that keeps those dedicated people who are lucky enough to be in touch with their passion up until the wee hours of the morning, working to save the world. And maybe it is. But I think that passion is anything that's worth getting up early in the morning for. So I'm passionate about my family. And I'm passionate about a beautiful sunrise, or my job. (This wasn't always the case, my friends. Hooray for new jobs!) And if someone else would wake up early in the morning with me, I'd be more than delighted to have a deep conversation with them at 5:30 a.m. Because as I said before, connection is a huge passion.

But I have so many more questions.

Are there downsides to passion? Can it burn out like a flame, or burn up like a house on fire?

And what's the relationship of passion to compassion?

What do the major religious traditions have to say about passion?

What do YOU have to say about it?

Please join me for a phone conversation on passion this Sunday, February 20th at 4:30pm Eastern. Just call 712.775.7100 and use the participant passcode of 500681# to join.

rush rush rush rush rush rush

2011-02-06T18:22:00.000-05:00

On Monday of this week, I dropped the little wallet I carry that holds next month's metrocard (worth $104) and all my IDs -- my license, my building pass, gym memberships, etc. I went back to look for it after I realized I had dropped it, but it was gone. To make matters worse, I was traveling for work Monday night and wouldn't be back in the city until Wednesday night, so I hoped that a Good Neighbor had picked it up and stowed it safely away for me, and figured that by the time I got back, I'd know more about it.

I have to say, I was impressed with how calm I was.

I got home Wednesday night, and, alas, there was no information. I went another day ID-less, and then on Friday started to replace the missing items. (Did you know you can get a replacement drivers license without going to the DMV? Heaven!!) I shelled out $25 for my building pass, $10 for my gym pass, $17.50 for my drivers license, and tried to cancel the metrocard to no avail. I was grumpy, grouchy, and extremely frustrated.

When I got home Friday night, though, there, in my mailbox, was a package from K. Murphy, my Incredible Neighbor. Mr. or Ms. Murphy not only returned my whole wallet to me, but included the unused, $104 metrocard! I was so impressed!

So what's the lesson? Wonderful things CAN happen, but not necessarily when I want/need/expect them to. This is really important for me to keep in mind, especially when pursuing things I want, like in dating, or looking for a new job, or trying to find an apartment. While there is definitely something to be said for faith, there is an equal amount to be said for patience.

Because not everybody knows my schedule. And even if they did, not everybody would care about it the way I do.

what I learned about generosity

2011-01-30T20:14:00.001-05:00

After a full month of thinking about generosity, I figured that I'd thought it all. (Because, you know, I'm so generous in my opinion of myself.) After a call tonight with three other inquisitive, generous souls, I've learned even more.

Our conversation covered a variety of topics, but I can break it down into six major areas.

Generosity and intention

The big agreement had on the call was that generosity has everything to do with intention. That the energy behind a generous act must be freely given, and released from expectations.

For example, if I hold the door for people but get miffed when they don't say "thank you," then I'm not necessarily being generous. I'm being generous with expectations on how that behavior will be received or rewarded. Similarly, giving someone money does not necessarily imply that you're generous. It's how or why you give the money that makes you generous.

Generosity and guilt

One participant talked about the "escalation" factor between two people who, for all intents and purposes, look like they're being generous. One will pay for dinner tonight, and the other will pay for dinner the next night. The first then feels compelled to buy tickets to the next event. The second then has to reciprocate. And it leads to bigger and more expensive shows of "generosity" and can lead to feelings of guilt and competitiveness.

The learning? If you start to feel guilty about being generous -- or not being generous -- it may be a sign that your motives (or the motives of the person you're with) are not truly generous. That they're coming from an intention to impress or compete or fill some obligation instead of coming from the heart with a desire to freely give. So what can you do? Accept the other person's generosity at face value. If someone does something nice for you, receive it, smile, and say "thank you."

Generosity and the comfort zone

An interesting perspective was brought up about the comfort zone, and how people will often be more generous in areas that are more comfortable to them. If, for example, you have money (but not time), you may feel more apt to give away money. But which is more generous? Giving away the money or the time? To be truly generous, do you give away something you have lots of? Or something precious to you?

I think it all hinges on whether you give it freely, and I, personally, think people are more likely to give what they feel they have ample amounts of.

For example, I baked a cake for a friend's birthday the other night. Because I like to bake, it didn't feel particularly generous for me. If I had bought a round of drinks, say, or ordered in dinner for the party, that would have felt generous. But my bringing a cake, when viewed from the outside, can easily appear -- to my friend especially -- very generous of me.

(Which, of course, begs another question -- is an act generous when it doesn't feel generous? Does something have to register with the giver as being generous for it to actually be generous?)

Generosity and heroism

Acts of extreme heroism can be considered generosity -- but are they? Wesley Autrey, the guy who jumped onto the subway tracks to save a total stranger, has claimed that he was doing what anybody else would do. But nobody else jumped in front of an oncoming train on that platform that day. So does that mean the station was full of non-generous people?

Again, I think this goes back to the comfort zone, and risk. What Autrey gave freely is considerably more than I would freely give. And maybe that's the difference between a generous act and a heroic one. I'm not sure.

Generosity and compassion (and pity)

Give a rich person a dollar, and it doesn't feel generous. Give a beggar a dollar, and it does. So is there a link between the "deservingness" of the recipient of a generous act and the amount of generosity involved? Does the recipient have to be in need of the generosity to benefit?

I think this goes back to the question of expectations and what impact the giver intends the act to have. For example, I would be more likely to make assumptions about how a beggar would spend my dollar than I would about how a rich person would. I would also be more likely to give the dollar freely to the beggar.

So is it compassionate to give to someone in need? Or is it generous? Or, is it, as one one participant asked, showing pity? What's the link between the three?

Generosity and awareness

It's morning rush hour and you're walking on a New York City street in the snow. A crummy neighbor has shoveled inadequately, so there's a mere 12 inches of walkway to be had for ten feet. There's someone coming towards you from the opposite side of the snow patch, so you step aside and let that person go first. But she's wrapped up in her cellphone and doesn't notice your generous behavior.

Is she rude? If she hadn't been distracted by her phone, would she have been more generous herself? Does living in the city make people less generous? Does it make them less thankful for the generosity around them? What's the link between generosity and gratitude?

Here's what I think: the universe has been incredibly generous with me. I have a great job, amazing friends, a family I love spending time with, and a brain and a body on loan for the rest of my lifetime that's right up there in the top. And I repay the universe with my gratitude. I share my gratitude with others through acts of generosity.

It's been an incredible month, and I don't want it to end. I've learned more about generosity -- of spirit, especially -- than I ever thought I would. But February's all about passion and determination, and how AWESOME is that going to be??

How's it going, generosity?

2011-01-26T21:45:00.000-05:00

As you may or may not know, I'm on year-long (well, ok 14 month-long) adventure where I'm saying Yes! to more things and exploring different qualities every month. January's qualities are generosity, gratitude, acceptance, allowance, and flow. (They kind of meld into one. Like cheese in a microwave. mmmmmm.)

I've come up with a couple of interesting observations.

1. I can be generous in three different ways (that I've uncovered so far); thoughts, words, and deeds.

Essentially, I can give more people the benefit of the doubt, and think better things of them. I can share my thoughts generously and not keep them or hoard them as if there were some kind of Thought Lack pervading the land. And I can do more things that are generous, like buying my sister a pair of shoes that both she and I think are cute (but that her husband makes fun of her for -- ungenerously, I might add -- because they're from a somewhat Old Lady Brand).

2. It's kind of fun to force people to let me be generous.

I've bought lunches, drinks, and dinners. I've split checks in unequal ways. I've bought tickets to shows and music festivals. And my friends have protested, but I told them that they HAD to let me do it, it was all part of the plan. And when I forced my generosity onto them, some were much more willing to accept it.

Which begs an interesting question... when is generosity NOT generous? Does it count as being generous if you get something out of it, too? And is it generous if it's something you'd do anyway? Or does the nature of generosity force you into going above and beyond what you'd normally do?

3. I can be generous with myself and that totally counts.

There were times when being generous with myself meant spending more money (like when I sparred with a trainer and got my ass handed to me on a platter this week) and there were times when being generous with myself meant being disciplined and NOT spending extra money.

4. Being generous with time frames, accepting and allowing other people their right to their own timeline, is much less stressful than expecting everyone to do it my way.

News flash: not everybody does things the way I want them to when I want them to. (I know, this is sad news, indeed.) But my practice this month of allowing things to just flow the way they happen to be flowing (instead of forcing them to "flow" the way I want them to) has opened me up to new perspectives. A guy doesn't call when I think he should? How fascinating! A coworker doesn't get back to me within twenty minutes? How fascinating! This has forced me to take some of the stress out of my life.

The month's not over, and I know there's more to learn. That's why I'm hoping you'll join me for a group call on generosity. What does it mean to you? Where do you practice it? Where could you practice it more? Are there rules to generosity? What's your favorite way to be generous?

Ask and answer these questions and more on January 30th at 4:30pm Eastern. Just call 712.775.7100 and use the participant passcode of 500681# to join. (Feel free to leave an RSVP in the comments!)

Welcome to the Year of Yes! (Well, Ok, the 14 Months of Yes)

2011-01-13T21:56:00.000-05:00

Around the first of the year, I decided to make this year different. I was tired of the way things had been going for me -- not externally, since for all intents and purposes 2010 was a banner year -- but internally.

I wanted more adventure and fun in my life. What I really needed was a new Vienna Plan, so I built one. I vowed (to my plants, because they were the only ones around) that I would say yes to more opportunities.* But not just saying yes in any old way, because I've attempted something very similar before in the month doing things differently. I wanted to say yes and to also explore different ways to say yes.

The Year of Yes! (Well, Ok, the 14 Months of Yes) was born out of a coaching exercise I asked one of my clients to try. (This is why being a coach rocks -- I also get the benefit of my clients' sessions!) For the next 14 months, I will practice saying yes to things through the filter of 14 different qualities. [Yeah, ok, so the program was supposed to be a year, but there were so many great qualities I didn't feel right cutting two of them. And since it's my program, it's my rules. So it's the 14 Months of Yes.]

Those qualities are:

January: Generosity, Gratitude, Acceptance, Allowance, Flow

February: Passion, Determination, Fire, Power, Strength, Stretch

March: Air, Space, Wind, Release**

April: Adventure, Thrill, Risk, Aliveness

May: Wisdom, Self-Awareness, Vision, Travel, Movement

June: Grace, Transcendence, Presence, Patience, Honor, Peace

July: Touch, Sensuality, Vitality, Sight

August: Smarts, Ideas for the sake of ideas, Connection, Words, Learning, Mind

September: Creativity, Art, Choice, Creation

October: Fun, Laughter, Play, Joy

November: Connection, Compassion, Love, Wholeheartedness, Openness

December: Novelty, Difference, Spontaneity, Child-Like, Beginner

January: Friendship, Connection

February: Music, Hearing, Harmony

So far it's been fascinating to study generosity. I'm asking friends and family about it, and trying to put it into practice, not just with money but with attention, ideas, and connection.

And the Year of Yes! (Well, Ok, the 14 Months of Yes) (a.k.a., the YOY!(WOTFMOY)) has already taken me two places I wouldn't have gone without having set that intention, and I had a great time at both.

So what's my point? You can do this, too. Pick something you want to change. Maybe it's being more adventurous and fun (like me) or maybe it's something else. Improving a relationship. Developing your business. Handling motherhood. Losing weight. It doesn't matter what the issue is.

Then jot down qualities, characteristics, and values that are important to you. Take a couple of days to gather them. Look at coaching websites, religious texts, this website, and ask friends or family to contribute. Then pick the ones that resonate with you. Group them together (either well or haphazardly) and you're off. Only have 9 qualities? Cool. Do the 9 Months of Yes! Have 36? You've got the Three Years of Yes!

I'll talk more about this in my goal-setting workshop on the 22nd. If you want more info on that or to sign up, click here.

Also, I'm going to be doing a regular conference call about my topic at the end/beginning of each month. Half the call will be about the lessons from the month past, and half the call will be about preparing for the month to come. I'd love your input! (Details will follow.)

So what are you waiting for? Are you ready for a Year of Yes! (Well, Ok, 14 Months of Yes)?

*In return, they vowed to Not Die for another year.

** which, when I look at it like this, looks like March is going to be one big fart. But it's not!

Stages of Change

2011-01-04T21:34:00.000-05:00

So it's a new year, right? And you're thinking about making a change or two... maybe? Well, here's an interesting theory about change and the phases you're likely to go through while making those changes.

The Stages of Change theory, developed by James Prochaska and Carlo DiClemente at the University of Rhode Island in the 70's, covers six different mindsets involved in the process of change.

The cycle starts with Precontemplation. This is the mindset where people -- especially the addicts that Prochaska and DiClemente studied at URI -- didn't think they needed (or wanted) to change. If you're still reading this and still thinking about a change, you're already past this mindset. (Just sayin'.)

The second stage is Contemplation. This is where you're sortakindasorta thinking about maybe making a change... someday. You see the obstacles really clearly, but not so much the benefits of making the change. This can be the longest stage, sometimes lasting moments, and sometimes lasting a lifetime.

If this sounds familiar, ask yourself these questions to help progress through this phase:

What are the benefits of changing?

What's preventing you from changing?

What are some things that could help you make this change?

The third stage is Preparation, which is essentially a research and information gathering phase. This is when you start asking around, maybe reading a book about getting organized or finding a new job. You read a blog like this one! (Hooray!)

If this sounds familiar, some things you can do to progress through this phase are:

Write down your goals and post them where you can see them

Find support groups and/or a supportive partnership with a coach

Gather information -- you may find it propels you into action

Following Preparation comes Action. This is where you start walking the walk and talking the talk. This phase is essential to making change, but all the previous stages support it -- if you skip research and go straight to action, you may not have the information you need. Similarly, if you don't really think about the change you want to make, you may not have the seed for change firmly planted inside you.

If you're in Action, things you can do to keep this moving forward are:

Reward your small successes -- isn't it ridiculous how we ooh and ahh at a baby who even thinks about rolling over, but we demand that we, as adults, execute a new behavior flawlessly? Ooh and ahhh at yourself!

Seek support -- you really will do better if you're not alone

Be prepared for setbacks

Next is Maintenance. This is where you've incorporated the new behavior into your life and are successfully avoiding the pitfalls that surrounded the old behavior. Keep looking for new and fancier ways to avoid temptation.

Ways to keep your Maintenance tip top:

Be patient! Recognize that real change takes time, effort, and energy

Anticipate temptations and setbacks, and think about ways to avoid them

And, of course, there's always Relapse. The tricky thing about Relapse is that it can come at any point. And the even tricker thing is that it likes to settle in and, like that ugly green mucous in those decongestant commercials, unpack all its negative feelings into you.

The key to getting through a Relapse, big or small is this: do what you can to NOT see yourself as a failure. Realize that every change involves some relapse. Analyze the situation for ways to better protect yourself next time. Also, be aware of where you go after a Relapse. Are you going back to Precontemplation? I sure hope not! Try, whenever possible, to land in Preparation, Action, or Maintenance!

Here's a video that sort of sums this all up neatly:

And, just because I came across it while doing research for this post and had a serious WTF moment, another video:

Oh! And I almost forgot! If you're in NYC and in the Contemplation, Preparation, or Action phase and want to make some changes, I'm offering a goal-setting class on January 22nd from 10-2. More details are here.

book review: The Five Love Languages

2010-12-19T22:25:00.000-05:00

I can't believe I haven't written about this yet.

Seriously. How could I have gotten this far without it?

There's an amazing book that will change your life forever if you go out and read it. How do I know? As the saying goes, I'm not just the president, I'm also a member.

Gary Chapman has written an incredible book about the ways in which people express and feel love called The Five Love Languages. At a certain point, the book gets a little more God-and-Jesusy than I like, but before it gets there, he shares with us some observations about the way people love that have changed the way I both interpret people's behavior and express my own feelings.

Chapman's argument is that there are five major styles -- languages, if you will -- that people use to express their love. And those, in turn, influence the way people feel loved by other people.

Those five languages are these:

1. Acts of Service

Some people will DO THINGS for those they love. They will take on the chores they know disgust you, or go out of their way to perform a task for you, whether you've asked them to do it or not.

My father is a perfect example of this. Once, when I was incredibly sick (and a mere two blocks from the doctor's office), I called him hoping for some sympathy. My father, instead of telling me how much he loved me and letting me know I would be ok, immediately offered to get into the car, drive to where I was, and take me to the doctor. He was more than willing to take 3 hours out of his day to find me, chauffeur me to wherever I needed to go, and then go home. Because he understands love to be about DOING.

2. Words of Praise

Some people are moved to show their feelings by saying nice things. It could be as simple as "you look pretty" or as complex as a sonnet on the shine of your hair, it doesn't matter. Words of praise people will TELL you how much they love you.

I had a boyfriend once who fell into this category. He sent me the most romantic letters, poems, and emails. He spared no opportunity to speak to me with words that made me smile.

3. Quality Time

Still, others prefer stopping their world and making spending time with you the most valuable thing they could be doing at the moment. To these people, it doesn't necessarily matter what you do, just as long as you are BEING together.

I once had a boyfriend who found that time on the phone to his family was also quality time. What mattered to him wasn't the amount of time, but rather the intention behind the time -- making space to really connect with another person -- that mattered.

(This was a good thing, as he happened to live across the country from me, too.)

4. Physical Touch

These people are the huggers. They're the hand-holders, neck-nuzzlers, and back touchers. They're the ones who seek reassurance and connection through physicality. And it's not just about Naked Time. It could be sitting on the couch with his feet in your lap, or patting him on the head as you walk out the door. These people FEEL love physically.

5. Gifts

Gift people like to give things -- expensive or free -- to those they love. They collect and hand over presents that the object of their affection has either requested or not.

My mother is a perfect example of this. She always plies us with food or "something I saw at the store that made me think of you." I remember growing up and taking long car trips -- my mother would GIVE us a little something to unwrap every hour.

Odds are that you fall most strongly into one category or another. That doesn't mean you have to speak only one language, but that your main mode is likely to be only one of the above.

Me? I'm all about gifts. I love to give people presents, and I've been known to squeal with glee when someone gives me something that made them think about me while they were out and about. But I'm also into words of praise. After that, I'm probably acts of service, and then physical touch. Quality time is very difficult for me to understand -- why wouldn't you want to be with me all the time?? So it's best for me to go out with men who are either gifters or who understand the value of gifts to me.

And this is where it gets cool. When you know the five languages, you can choose to express yourself in any language, not just the one that makes the most sense to you. If you know your partner feels love through quality time, you can make an appointment with him or her. Conversely, you can interpret your partner's behavior -- wanting to spend a night with you -- as his or her way of expressing love.

Let's go back to my father for a minute. When I called him, I was looking for words of praise -- "You'll be ok," "I love you," that kind of thing. But my father hasn't read this book and doesn't know that his way of expressing and my way of feeling loved aren't the same. So it was up to me to interpret his act of service as love. Once I realized that he was sharing his love in the only language he spoke, I was able to hear how much he cared.

Similarly, with my Quality Time boyfriend. When I realized that his language was one I couldn't comprehend, I told him about the five styles. I told him I was more a gifts/words of praise kind of girl, and he tried to modulate his behavior to meet me there. And I tried to see his desire to spend time together as his way of saying he loved me.

This has been an incredible tool for me in understanding why people behave the way they do. Why, when all that matters to me is that you tell me I'm beautiful, are you always taking out the trash? Who cares about watching TV on Friday nights -- can't you just bring me home a tootsie roll?

And one of the really neat things to look at is whether or not you use your own love language on yourself. If you're a gifter, do you allow yourself to buy that sweater you can't stop thinking about? If you like words of praise, what kind of things do you say to the mirror? When do you schedule the quality time with yourself?

Forgive my oversight in not having posted this sooner. There's still time -- go out and buy this book! (See? I'm trying to gift it to you right now!)

the most perfect baby in the world

2010-12-12T07:08:00.000-05:00

Watch out, because I'm about to brag.

I have the most perfect nephew in the entire universe. He's cute, hilarious, warm, sleepy, adorable, and the softest, sweetest lump ever created. And he's mine!

Over Thanksgiving, I was rocking him to sleep on my shoulder and his tiny little butt was tucked into my elbow, his sweet little breaths coming quickly and shallowly near my ear, and my heart just melted.

Tears welled up in my eyes, and I looked at my sister.

"Do you ever just love him so much that it hurts?"

She looked at me with a smile and four months of Mommy Wisdom, and then I loved her so much that it hurt.

So, Kate, aside from the fact that he's perfect and you're lucky, who cares? Finding and connecting to that kind of pure love was so powerful, so clean and raw, I feel like it's something everyone should experience. It felt like a light shining from the depths of my heart onto the baby, and my sister, and my family, and me.

Maybe you're not into babies. That's fine. They're noisy and they poop a lot. I get it. What I'm saying is how important it is to really connect with something pure and something 100% love. If that's theatre, then see a show. If it's music, start playing. If it's writing, grab your pencil. And you don't have to marry it, or move in with it, or make it your life. (Lord knows I've turned down a free apartment in Boston more times than my sister has offered.) Just connect with it. Feel it. Let it shred you a little. The stitching back together feels incredible.

Joseph and his Amazing Technicolor Emotional Coat

2010-12-02T20:54:00.001-05:00

A few weeks ago I returned to Yale for a reunion of my comedy group. I knew that going back to campus would be hard -- being in New Haven has always stressed me out, but when I got there, I met up with my best friend from the group (and one of my favorite people of all time) and we caught up.

"I'm just not where I thought I would be," he said, after outlining what's going on in his life. And I knew the feeling. When I graduated, I thought that by 33 I'd be running the world. I'd be some famous Broadway actor at night and running meetings in powersuits during the day. I'd have an apartment uptown and -- get this -- a car! As time has passed, though, I've gotten used to the simpler pleasures in life, and no longer seek stardom or parking. In truth, my friend is exactly where I'd like to be. He has a stable, challenging, great-paying job, a husband, a house, and two new cats. You know... everything!

"I'm not where I thought I'd be, either," I said, and all my doubts came flooding back in. Was I ever going to meet someone? Was I ever going to make enough money to afford a house or a baby? Was I ever going to amount to anything?!

At some point over the weekend, I realized that I was in the passing lane on the expressway to the land of self-doubt that I inhabited as a late teenager. And what better place to reinforce the message of "what have you done with your life?" than one of the most prestigious (and expensive) universities in the country? I felt tense, sick to my stomach, and unable to sleep.

I met a woman who made me feel really safe, and in talking with her I realized that I didn't have to feel so gross. I've accomplished a lot since college, not the least of which was growing into a sense of self that isn't defined by the need to amount to something. The difference between me now and me in college is that now I wear that self-doubt like a big, ugly coat. It gets hot, so I take it off any chance I get. Sometimes I even check it at the door! In college, though, I wore it like a skin, not even aware that it was something to be shed.

I bring this up now because soon, many of us will be headed home for the holidays. And what better place to revert to old habits and old messages of worthlessness than our childhood homes? (I know, sad, right?) I'm blessed. My family is so open that we've talked about these things, and about how much better it feels if we behave like children on purpose instead of by default. We ask for the attention we seek, and I find that I don't need to ask for nearly as much as I used to subliminally (and ineffectually) demand.

It's unpleasant, but I encourage you to put on your coat. Maybe it doesn't look like mine, laden with doubts about how good you are, (though if I had to guess, I'd say it probably does). Whatever material is used to construct it, pick that up. And then, before you go home, practice putting it down again. Hell, put down the coat you're wearing today. See that you have a choice about the thoughts that run through your head, and, in the spirit of the holidays, choose nicer thoughts.

Santa would want you to.

carrots and sticks and bears, oh my!

2010-11-08T21:07:00.000-05:00

I've been reading an interesting book about motivation and sticking to your commitments called Carrots and Sticks, written by a Yale professor of economics. The book proposes two different approaches to goal-reaching; being rewarded for reaching milestones along your journey, and being punished for not doing so.

(Hence, carrots and sticks.)

The interesting thing, though, is that Ian Ayres (the author) has built a website, www.stickk.com, that allows people to put up a certain amount of their own money as a bet against their failure. For example, Ayers himself has been striving to keep his weight under 180 pounds. To aid in this, he has agreed that stickk.com can take the $500 he has put at risk every week if he goes over 180. Even more compellingly, he has agreed that stickk.com can send that money to a cause he does not support.

How does the website know that he's gone over 180 pounds? Well, he tells them. Part of Ayres' commitment is his willingness to participate in the contract (and report honestly) in the first place. Because are you really going to bet $500 that you'll stop a behavior you kindasortakinda want to stop? I doubt it. Stickk.com encourages users to identify an external arbiter to oversee these contracts -- someone like a coach, for example -- to make sure the person is reporting honestly, and really making use of the system.

Because once someone lies about one commitment, the whole thing is shot.

I find this particular type of motivation both exciting and terrifying. Putting $500 of my own money at risk would ensure that any undesired behavior would cease to happen -- especially if that money was going to, say, the NRA, the Tea Party, or Sarah Palin's campaign fund -- and yet, I don't know if I could forgive myself if an emergency happened and I couldn't stick to my commitment. Not only would I be letting myself down, I'd be out $500, and would probably have to drum up another $500 to donate to positive causes to balance out the harm I've done.

And that's what I like about using money as a motivator; it brings the issue into the front of my consciousness. There are a number of things I want to do -- like blogging regularly -- that, if I lost $500 every time I didn't do them would happen more often. At the same time, I'm not sure I'd want to live with the stress of that kind of money hanging over me.

A client of mine is using this approach -- not through the website, but through a verbal agreement with me -- and I'm amazed to see the amount of work he's doing. Will this last longer than one week? I'm not sure. But it definitely is motivating him to make absolutely sure the desired behavior happens seven days in a row.

Who knew Sarah Palin could be so useful?

book review: What Happy People Know by Dan Baker (part 2)

2010-10-21T19:42:00.000-04:00

In my previous post, I started raving about a great book I've read recently called What Happy People Know, by Dan Baker. In it, the author outlines six tools for happiness that you can employ to make your regular life happier, or to use in times of trouble and misery, just to get through the day. (I like doing both, thankyouverymuch.)

The six happiness tools are:

1. Appreciation

2. Choice

3. Personal Power

4. Leading with Your Strengths

5. the Power of Language and Stories

6. Multidimensional Living

I covered Appreciation, Choice, and Personal Power in the last post, so today I'll give you a run down of the last three, starting with...

Leading with Your Strengths

It feels good to do what you're good at. That's no great secret. And there have been two camps in the Self-Mastery world for years -- those who say to play to your strengths, and those who say to develop your weaknesses. But if you think about it, only the first camp really makes sense. Why burden yourself with improving your calculus skills if doing calculus doesn't make you happy?

Baker says that in working with severely troubled people, his first efforts are to connect them to their strengths. Everyone is good at something, even if that something isn't something you value. Baker's work starts with finding his clients' strengths and then transferring those skills into other areas of his clients' lives.

For example, he worked with an anorexic patient and never once asked her about food. Instead, they spent the first few sessions talking about what she loved -- her dog -- and then finding ways to expand that circle of love onto herself. When we surround ourselves with what we're good at, we feel powerful and joyful, and those lead us to greater and greater adventures.

The Power of Language and Stories

Several years ago, if you asked me if it was important whether someone said "I can't" or "It's hard," I would have said no. I would have told you that there are things I can't do, and things that are hard for me to do, and I would have done my best to convince you that that was "the truth."

Now, however, after a few years of playing with language and its effect on me, I have a completely different opinion. I have first hand experience of the power of words on the stories I tell myself. So I was pleased to see this show up in Baker's book.

He talks about how engaging in self-talk is how people begin to make sense of the world around them. (Incidentally, there's a Radiolab episode that talks about the same thing, and I was just listening to it before I sat down to write. Thanks, Universe!) And that, if we talk to ourselves the way we want others to talk to us, we're already on a better foot, saying "we do not describe the world we see, we see the world we describe."

He, too, cautions against using "can't," "don't," "shouldn't," and "won't," and goes on to warn against using the passive voice instead of the active one. But the key point I took away from the whole section on language is his idea of telling healthy stories vs. horror stories.

"When you meet someone new and tell him the quick version of the story of your life, do you usually tell him a healthy story or a horror story? Most people want to tell a healthy story, because nobody wants to look bad. But many people just don't know how. They're so accustomed to telling themselves horror stories in their self-talk that they just start blurting out all their fears and feelings of helplessness, although they often cloak them in terms of humor or heroics. They like their job -- but it was a real struggle to get it, and it still feels precarious. Their children are doing well -- but they're teenagers, and you know how that is..."

He goes on to say that it's "smart to tell yourself and others healthy stories about all the little incidents of your daily life. If you're late for work, don't tell yourself that your boss is going to kill you and that you're a loser for sleeping late. Tell yourself you're lucky to have a job where you can be late once in a while, and that you're going to use this experience to be more punctual in the future. The horrific version will just make you more defensive, while the healthy one will make you appreciative. People will notice the difference."

Multidimensional Living

When I read this book, I was dating a wonderful guy who seemed to have it all -- genius smart, off-the-wall funny, good-looking, and a great communicator. And the reason our relationship fell apart was because he was allowing himself to be ruled by his job. He had no time for a relationship -- or anything else, for that matter. And he wasn't happy. So this section really resonated with me.

A question that Baker asks his clients (to gauge where they are in their heads) is "are you winning at life?" The responses he gets vary, but if a person has no idea how to even approach the question, he gets a sense immediately that they are out of balance. ("Happy people," he says, "almost always think they're winning, even when they don't know what they're winning.")

Most people suffer from a lack of clear, values-based priorities, and so end up floating through life, buffeted by whatever comes their way. Baker argues that if you want happiness, you need to decide what you really want and then put your energy where it will do the most good.

There are three arenas in life, he argues; 1) purpose (often, work), 2) health, and 3) relationships. If you integrate all three arenas into your every day life, you can let your passions take you where they will -- because you have the grounding in the other areas to pull you back to center. It's when one of the arenas has more sway and importance than the others that people can get out of whack.

And that's the extremely nutshelled version of the book. There is so much more to it, so much that I want to xerox and hand out to people on the subway like those crazy stores that want to buy your gold.

The New York Public Library has five copies of this book, and at the time of this writing, four of them were available. If you're interested in finding balance, connecting with your heart, and having a handful of tools in your toolbox of self-improvement, this is a great book for you. (It certainly was for me.)

book review: What Happy People Know by Dan Baker

2010-10-17T21:07:00.000-04:00

I read a lot of self-help books, but rarely do they offer me so much new information that I feel compelled to share them with you. (The last book I recommended was The Magic LAMP, which I read in February!) I recently came across a book, though, that I want you all to go out and buy/rent/borrow/steal. (Ok, maybe not with the stealing.) Today! Now! Go!

Oh wait. You need to know what book first.

In this book, What Happy People Know, Dan Baker, the head of the Life Enhancement Program at Canyon Ranch (a spa/resort/retreat I may never make enough money to visit) offers up useful information in an approachable and easily digestible fashion.

According to Baker, there are six major happiness tools people can use:

1. Appreciation

2. Choice

3. Personal Power

4. Leading with your strengths

5. Language and stories

6. Multidimensional living

Because it's had such an impact on me, I thought I'd take you through some of the highlights of the tools.

1. Appreciation

I've talked about appreciation and gratitude before, but Baker takes these concepts much deeper, offering three or four practicable tools to make appreciation not just part of your regular routine, but also part of your disaster recovery mode.

For example, he shares one exercise called "Freeze Frame." When things are going All Kinds of Wrong, instead of thinking about how things are getting out of control, you think of something you appreciate. A loved one, a natural phenomenon, your dog, whatever. Doing this will calm your heart rate and give you space in which to see things differently. I've used it, and found it incredibly helpful.

He also talks about optimism, and how being an optimist is not simply walking around with a dopey smile on your face and approaching life with a glass-half-full attitude, but rather, it's an understanding that the more difficult or painful a situation is, the more profound the learning will be. This has helped me a lot recently while going through an incredibly emotionally break up -- I knew that when I came out the other side of the break up I would know more about myself and how I operate, which felt like a gift compared to the kick in the pants the break up was giving me. Does it make me want to run right out and break up again? No, absolutely not. But it does give me some silver lining and light at the end of an otherwise unpleasant-smelling tunnel.

(His mother also chimed in with the soothing idea that "no two people ever love each other the same -- and that whoever loves the most is the lucky one.")

2. Choice

Baker calls choice "the voice of the heart" and "honesty in action." I like that.

He talks about failure, helplessness, and powerlessness (and a bunch of shocked dogs... which made me sad) and offers some thoughts that can serve to remind us to stay strong:

1. Failure only occurs when you quit -- he talks about how Thomas Edison "failed" to design a lightbulb until his 2000th try

2. Be brave enough to resist when someone offers you the tempting scenario in which they strip from you the right to make your own decisions. While it is occasionally unpleasant to make (and live with) our own choices, imagine the other alternatives...

Finally in this section, he discusses the "Life Changing Quarter Second" in which we have a brief moment of control over our emotional reactions. There is a quarter second in which we can wrest our thinking away from a fear reaction and into a considered response, but we have to see and seize that moment regularly to stay in a place of choice.

3. Personal Power

This is that indefinable something that enables happy people to be happy, even when things are difficult. (In my leadership class, we call it the "Internal Locus of Control," meaning essentially the feeling that, no matter what comes your way, you can do something about it.)

Baker encourages his readers to watch out for VERBs -- Victimization, Entitlement, Rescue, and Blame. Highlights include:

V: He says that other people can hurt you, but only you can victimize yourself.

E: The mind and body thrive on struggle. Satisfaction without effort doesn't create happiness, it makes for boredom, alienation, weakness and feelings of worthlessness. And I can tell you that, after looking for a new job for six months, I was so elated to finally get one because I had struggled and put my time in.

R: There's a difference between assistance and rescue. There is nothing wrong with asking for help as long as you're willing to do your share of the work.

B: Blame solves nothing. If you were in a car driven by a friend that was going over a cliff, would blaming that friend keep you from crashing into the ravine below? Instead, what can you do to improve the situation for yourself (and/or your friend)?

We'll take a look at the other three tools in my next post.

what are you chasing?

2010-10-05T07:56:00.001-04:00

I live in New York, where it seems like everybody is chasing something. And I worry that people don't really know what they're chasing, and how their thoughts and behavior are impacting their journey.

Take me, for example, back when I was acting. I was chasing The Big Dream -- except I wasn't specific about what that meant to me. I just wanted to "be an actor in New York." Well, that's actually absurdly easy. Get a headshot, go on an audition, and voila! You're an actor in New York.

So I sat down to get more specific, and I realized that my goal was "to make a living acting in New York." Then I was getting somewhere. I had a clearer destination, and could focus my energy more tightly. Except that I was missing a piece -- how I wanted to be or feel while I was pursuing that goal. Because, as it played out, while I was chasing Making a Living as an Actor in New York, I was unhappy. I was working a job that made me want to stab people in the face, I felt like I had no time for anything that wasn't theatre, I was comparing myself to other actors (and coming up short) and, in general, I just didn't like the way I felt about myself.

I was, as it turned out, chasing the wrong thing, like the dog chasing the mailman. (Unless, of course, the mailman is delivering Omaha Steaks, but in my case he wasn't.)

It wasn't until I got specific about what I saw as success that I realized I was on the wrong path.

The same thing has happened with dating. I have defined and redefined (and redefined) (oh, and redefined) what I consider desirable characteristics in a guy. The three core qualities -- funny, smart, and self-aware -- stay the same, but the fourth quality always changes. Sometimes it's kind or thoughtful, sometimes it's simply ready, but as I have more experience, I can get more specific about what I want, and again, how I want to feel while pursuing it.

This last piece is often overlooked because we're not taught about feelings. But I think it's of the utmost importance. If you're ok with, say, pursuing a career in acting to the exclusion of everything else, that's great -- but be clear with yourself how long you're willing to do that. A month? A year? Your whole life? There are trade offs to everything, and making sure that what you're giving up is worth what you're getting is incredibly important.

The final thing I encourage people to look at surrounding success is how you will know you've made it. Often times, people get so wrapped up in the struggle of "making it" that the small successes they've had along the way no longer matter -- that big achievement is just around the corner waiting to be reached. And that's when success becomes a trap. Because as I know from first hand experience, it's easy to be more attracted to the pursuit of it than the enjoyment of it.

So to avoid the perpetual pursuit, define what it will look like when you've reached your goal. When will you finally consider yourself successful? And does that necessarily mean there is nothing left to achieve? I find that goal-setting is super-useful in this kind of work because it gives you a number of small victories to celebrate as you reach out for things that satisfy and fulfill you.

And really, is using the word "success" even useful? For so many of us (myself included) there is a sticky quality to it, one that implies comparison, scarcity, lack, and an overall "not good enough to be successful" quality. If you fall into that category (welcome!), then perhaps simply "happiness" is a better choice of words for you than "success."

To wrap up, if you haven't thought about it yet, I urge you (whether you live in New York or not) to take a minute (or hell, a year) and get really clear not just about what you want, but how you'll know when you're there.

In a nutshell:

1. Define success

2. Be willing to be flexible about that definition and change it as your circumstances change

3. Be clear about who/how you want to be as your pursue success

4. Know how it will feel when you're successful, and be open to that feeling

5. Use a different word if "success" or "successful" brings up negative feelings for you.

I want this guy's job...

2010-09-27T13:31:00.000-04:00

Thanks to my friend Kelly for posting this on Facebook:

"Now then everybody, please settle down, this is serious. Fun time is over, we have rats to tickle.

"Laughter, it seems, is a topic of scientific inquiry that is ripe to be taken very seriously. As explained in an article at PhysOrg, the act of laughter is universal and sounds pretty much the same across all of humanity, with no discernible difference in how it sounds to the ear as a result of differences in language or culture. And not only is laughter among the very first forms of communication that every single human being learns, laughter is not limited to people. Other primates are known to laugh. Additionally, and perhaps surprisingly, laughter is also demonstrated in dogs and rats.

"The common denominator in situations that cause someone to have a ha-ha moment seems to be interaction with others. According to scientists who investigate the causes and the effects of laughing, the primary basis for these strange, involuntary respiratory convulsions that we all do is a reaction to an event that we perceive and respond to as an experience shared with others.

"Laughing is not dependent on any one specific sense (as PhysOrg points out, “deaf people laugh without hearing, and people on cell phones laugh without seeing”), but arises from our interactions.

"“It’s joy, it’s positive engagement with life. It’s deeply social,” according to Bowling Green University psychologist Jaak Panksepp. Among Panksepp’s research activities is tickling his lab rats. It turns out that rats laugh in response to being tickled, and they just can’t seem to get enough of it. What we’re able to learn from what happens in the brains of rats during and after a good laugh provides insights into the results and benefits that we derive from laughter. These include biochemical responses that appear to serve as natural anti-depressants and anxiety reducers.

"However, when it comes time to apply for a grant to support laughter research, scientists are extra careful to make sure that they keep the “fun” out of funding. Northwestern University’s Jeffrey Burgdorf uses the term ‘positive emotional response’ in place of the word laughter in research study proposals to help ensure that he and his work are taken seriously."

by David Bois at Tonic

(Tonic is a digital media company dedicated to promoting the good that happens around the world each day. We share the stories of people and organizations that are making a difference by inspiring good in themselves and others.)

Hep Gleck!

2010-09-16T21:00:00.000-04:00

(that title makes me feel like I'm blogging in Ikea. But don't worry, Hep Gleck can be assembled without pictures.)

I have a daily ritual that I perform on the subway -- I open up my journal, give myself an affirmation (for the last several months it's been "I have everything I need") and then set an intention for myself. Usually the intention is in alignment with something I'm working on -- patience, breathing, being present, not comparing myself to others, etc. -- and then I sit down and list five things I give myself credit for. After that, it's a list of things I'm grateful for, and a Daily To Do list. I've discussed all this before (see here) and bring it up again because my friend Jon recently introduced me to an even deeper practice that expands on this base.

It's called Hep Gleck.

Ok, no, it really isn't, but I like calling it that, so that's what I'm calling it.

Learned from a Tony Robbins book (but slightly unclear as to which one -- though I'm guessing now it's "Personal Power" as I got some help from this website in writing this post), Hep Gleck is actually an acronym that expands on the idea of listing things for which I am grateful and for which I am giving myself credit. Each letter stands for another feeling, and carries with it three questions. The feelings are:

Happy

Excited

Proud

Grateful

Loving

Enjoying

Committed to

Kate is Awesome

(Ok, there's no K in the acronym, but "Glec" doesn't look like a strong word, whereas "Gleck" does, so I added the K for phonetic reasons. Sue me.)

And the questions are:

1. What am I happy/excited/proud/grateful/loving/enjoying/committed to in my life?

2. What about that makes me happy/excited/proud/grateful/loving/joyful/feel committed?

3. How does that make me feel?

The key to this exercise, though, is to NOT JUDGE, and that's a caution I extend with big, red, wavy flags.

For example, this morning I wrote that I was grateful for sunsets.* So to deepen the experience using Hep Gleck, I would then ask what about sunsets makes me feel grateful? I could respond with "their beauty," or "the sense that the world is bigger than I am," or "just 'cause." And then I have to report with honesty and curiosity about how that makes me feel.

A trap I could easily see us all falling into** is being happy about something that truly makes us happy -- the way the driver of that car honked and waved at us on the way to the subway, finding the $20 bill on the street, having an awesome smoothie for breakfast -- and then judging the experience. What about that makes me feel happy? Well, he thought I was hot stuff, so I felt like hot stuff and that made me happy. It's a free $20, what's not to be happy about! The way the tastes blended together was so amazing. Watch out for then falling into despair with the "How does that make me feel" angle. I might be very tempted to go down the I-suck-because-I-need-some-guy-in-traffic-to-validate-my-feelings-of-hot-stuffedness road.

I'm going to try Hep Gleck. And Jon is, too. (Or at least I think he is.) Are you?

*Secretly, I wanted to write sunrises, but it's been EONS since I last saw a sunrise so that felt like stretching the truth.

** And by "us all," of course, I really mean "me," but I wanted to take you with me so I wouldn't be lonely.

intimacy, and how to get more of it

2010-09-12T19:25:00.000-04:00

Many moons ago I went to a talk at the 92nd Street Y Tribeca on what science can teach you about falling in love. And the presenter, Robert Epstein, brought audience members on stage (myself and my friend included), asked them a bunch of benchmarking questions about the stranger they were with ("How close do you feel to this person? How much in love with this person are you? How attracted are you to this person?") and then put them/us through a series of exercises that they had shown drew people together.

And while it was hard to honestly answer questions about a total stranger in front of a room full of total strangers, I have to say that the exercises (if not the mortification of going through them together publicly) did draw me closer to the random stranger on stage with me.

As part of the takeaway from the event, they gave us a copy of the magazine in which the presenter's article appeared, and I recently unearthed it from my kitchen table. You can get a snapshot of the article here, on Scientific American's website, or you can google Robert Epstein and see what you get.

Here, however, are some highlights that I think are interesting, useful, and totally applicable right now -- not just with a romantic partner, but with anyone with whom you want to feel more intimate.

Ten things that make us feel more intimate:

1. Arousal -- not just sex, you dirty birds. Any kind of physical exertion or exposure to dangerous situations increases intimacy, say researchers. So if you want to get close, take your date on the Cyclone at Coney Island. He'll either love you on the spot or never want to see you again.

2. Proximity and Familiarity. When you let someone repeatedly invade your personal space, that increases feelings of closeness. Because, well, you're close.

3. Similarity. Sure, opposites attract, but likes ignite! (I made that up.) Personally, I'm discovering that going out with guys whose parents are still together (as mine are) is making a difference in our relationships. And shared values, senses of humor, and attractiveness keep the playing fields even.

4. Humor. This one's obvious, I think.

5. Novelty. Doing something new makes us more vulnerable, and vulnerability leads more quickly to intimacy. One of the things I do when planning a date is trying to go somewhere I've never been before. (Which, even in a city of six gajillion restaurants, can be surprisingly difficult!)

6. Removing Inhibitions. Yeah, ok, a glass of wine helps, but a bottle of wine doesn't. People who have difficulty being vulnerable and opening up often misuse alcohol in pursuit of that feeling of intimacy. So watch out!

7. Kindness, Accommodation, and Forgiveness. "Feelings of love can emerge quickly when someone deliberately changes his or her behavior -- say, by giving up smoking or drinking -- to accommodate our needs." I find it adorable when I tell guys I don't eat meat and they then order something vegetarian when we have dinner together -- even though I make it clear that they're free to eat whatever they want!

8. Touch and Sexuality. The obvious caveat applies here -- while touch and sensuality bring people closer together, people (mostly women, unfortunately) have a tendency to confuse sex with love. The author recommends even just getting very near to someone without actually connecting -- kind of a romantic I'm Not Touching You.

9. Self-Disclosure. People tend to bond when they share secrets. I love asking guys I go out with to tell me a secret. The only trick is coming up with one I'm willing to share. A recent date of mine once said, when I asked him if I could ask him a question, "You can ask me anything you want; you just have to be willing to answer it yourself."

10. Commitment. "People whose commitments are shaky interpret their partners' behavior more negatively, for one thing, and that can be deadly over time." I totally get this. When a guy makes it clear to me that he likes me, it's easier for me to forgive his not calling when he says he will. (See #7)

So go ahead, try these out and see how they play out. Grab your man/woman/dog/postal worker/neighbor's cousin's milkman/random stranger on the street and try these with him or her.*

*just kidding! try them with someone you know and actually want to have more intimacy with. duh.

just what I needed to see

2010-08-31T16:29:00.000-04:00

This was shared with me at just the moment I needed it most. So in that spirit, I'm sharing it with you.

rising to the challenge

2010-08-23T11:57:00.000-04:00

(This is a copy of an article that a friend requested for the secretarial newsletter at her firm. If it sounds kinda formal and talks about work a lot, that's why.)

There is a huge opportunity to grow through a challenge – just ask first-year marathon runners. People who never thought they could run 0.2 miles (let alone 26.2) will tell you that by overcoming the challenge they set for themselves to simply finish the race, they feel more confident in their abilities to do a wide variety of other things. The same is true for athletes, artist, businesspeople, and anyone who puts him- or herself up to a challenge.

Facing a challenge will stretch you and help you find reserves inside of you that you didn’t know you had. And the challenge doesn’t have to be as epic as a marathon; it can simply be pushing yourself to stop eating candy in the late afternoon or to strike up a conversation with that good looking guy in your conversational French class.

Sometimes challenges come at us when we least expect them, and we can’t even see that they’re happening. We overlook opportunities to grow because we see them as “not my job” or “never going to happen.” Missing them is easy – but so is grabbing them before they pass. Catch yourself saying these three things, “I can’t,” “I should,” or “it’s hard,” and there’s a good chance you’re facing a challenge.

I can’t
There is very little in this world that can’t be done given infinite resources, so there isn’t anything, in fact, that you can’t do. I can’t climb Mt. Everest, you say. Well, that’s not actually true. If you gave up your normal life, moved to Tibet, paid a boatload of money, and trained for the next several years, you could climb Mt. Everest. So it’s not the case that you can’t climb Mt. Everest, it’s that you are choosing not to give up your normal life, move to Tibet, pay a boatload of money and train for the next several years. (And I can’t say I blame you for that decision.)

Or rather, let’s say an attorney gives you a document as you’re walking out the door to lunch with an old friend. “I need a million copies of this document before you go,” she says, looking panicked and frazzled. You call your friend. “I can’t go to lunch today, I have to make a million copies.” Now, is it actually true that you can’t go to lunch? Are you physically incapable of leaving? No, of course not. You are simply choosing to stay to make the million copies – maybe because this attorney brought you breakfast this morning, or because she’s new here and has been under a lot of pressure, too, or simply because it’s your job. Whatever the reason, the truth is that you are choosing to skip lunch, so why not explain your behavior in terms of what you’re choosing instead of what you’re giving up? Using “I can’t” in your vocabulary turns you into a victim. Try replacing it with “I choose not to” and see what changes.

(Already, saying “I choose not to climb Mt. Everest” sounds pretty good.)

I should
Just thinking about the things one should do is exhausting. There’s a dragging sense of obligation, leaving no room for fun around eating more vegetables, going to the gym, or cleaning your bathtub. But when you think of the things you want to do, the excitement comes back – feeling more fit and not being grossed out when you shower are more worth the effort it will take to make them happen.

When you’re being challenged, it’s easy to fall back into the habit of “shoulding.” This means thinking in terms of obligations and expectations, and not in terms of opportunities and fun. Let’s say your current challenge is getting to work on time. “I really should get up earlier,” you say to a supervisor. However, if that supervisor’s smart, he won’t expect to see you follow through with that until you start talking about what you want to do. “I want to get up earlier so I can read the paper and still get to work on time” is much more likely to yield results.

It’s hard
This is the biggest and easiest trap to fall into when you’re facing a challenge. Whatever it is – running a marathon or eating less candy – of course it’s hard! If it were easy, it wouldn’t be a challenge. However, using that particular phrase, “it’s hard,” drains the situation of any motivation. It’s the king of cop outs.

What if, instead, you faced a difficult situation by saying “it’s a challenge”? The change in wording instantly makes the situation seem more doable – all kinds of people rise to challenges every day. Facing a challenge with the intention of growing increases your motivation to actually accomplish the task.

Let’s look again at the million copies scenario. Sure, it would be hard to make a million copies before lunch, but if you see it as a challenge, you cast it in a different light. There are more options, more choices, and you’ll see more results.

Winston Churchill, the master at facing enormous challenges, once said, “A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.” Since you get to choose how you see a situation, would you rather be a pessimist or an optimist?

what's your positivity ratio?

2010-08-05T09:08:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I was on a webinar called "Boost Your Happiness Through Evidence-Based Activities," and, while it was kind of a cheesetastic hour, there was one exercise I came out of it with that I found interesting and worth sharing.

It's about your positivity ratio.

Think about the last 24 hours. And in the last 24 hours, have you felt any of the following:
Amazement
Amusement
Gratitude
Hope
Interest
Inspiration
Joy
Love
Pride
Serenity

You can have felt them a little, moderately, or a lot. (If you only felt them a little, don't count them in this round.)

Total up the number you've felt and put that number aside.

Now think about the last 24 hours again. Have you felt any of these?
Anger
Contempt
Disgust
Embarrassment
Fear
Guilt
Hate
Sadness
Shame
Stress

Again, you can have felt these a little, moderately, or a lot. (With these, if you felt them a little, they count.)

Take your positive total, and divide it by your negative total. That's your positivity ratio.

The inventor of this test, Dr. Barabara Fredrickson, has research indicating that "a positivity ratio of 3 to 1 is a tipping point. This ratio divides those who merely get by in life from those who truly flourish."

But if you scored below 3-to-1, don't be surprised. More than 80% of U.S. adults fall short of the ideal 3-to-1 ratio. (I did, too, and I consider myself a highly positive person.) Instead of feeling guilt, shame, or stress over these results (because, watch out, you'll have to account for those tomorrow!) why not take interest in what you can do to up your ratio? Why not seek out a poem, a song, or a friend who inspires or amazes you?

You are in charge of where you put your attention. So when you catch yourself in a feeling of anger, frustration, or guilt, take some time to balance that out with some love, amusement, or gratitude. A simple way to approach this is through an exercise where you list five things you're grateful for -- like the comfort of your fluffiest pillow, the crispy, minty taste of your toothpaste, or the support of the people who love you -- and really sit in that gratitude as you move through your day. Similarly, sit down and list things that crack you up -- like the way your sister snorts when she laughs really hard, the way a muppet ends a joke by settling down into its neck, or that cute guy who is ninja funny -- and just sit with the enjoyment of that for a while.

Negative stuff will come and go, and I personally have a harder time keeping the negative feelings at bay than I do redirecting my attention onto the stuff that makes me happy. So this is a good exercise for me, too.

(And in just writing this post I've upped my hope, amusement, inspiration and gratitude quotients for today, so maybe tomorrow I'll have a 3-to-1!)

cultivate the good

2010-07-22T17:59:00.000-04:00

The other day I was in a session with a client who has a very strong habit of focusing on the negative and totally disregarding the positive. It's a familiar habit, one that I have definitely engaged in myself, and one that leads to nothing but bleakness, sadness, and truly bad train karma.*

I did what I could to help my client to see that focusing on the negative is only going to bring more negative (boooooooo!), and that focusing on the good is only going to bring more good (hooray!). One of the tactics we tried was imagining that she was living in a sci-fi world where goodness was dying out. And that she was one of the few people left who could cultivate and protect goodness. So any time she saw something with even the faintest tinge of good to it, it was her responsibility to take that goodness, plant it in a garden, and tend to it.

She lit up with this idea, recognizing that "goodness" was not a judgment about whether or not an achievement was reached or someone was "worthy" of being deemed good, but rather a quality that could inherently exist inside something -- a situation, a person, herself...

So I closed the session feeling like I had cultivated some good, once again proving to myself that I do an excellent job of living what I teach.

And then the next day came.

I found myself getting twitchy about not having heard back from a guy I am dating. And when I catch myself doing that, I immediately call my sister (my cucumber cheerleader) because I know she's good at easing my twitch.

And, without going into too much detail, do you know what I was doing? Focusing on all the negative, and completely disregarding the positive! With blinders on, I was zeroing in on all the things that seemed "wrong" to me, and paying absolutely no attention to the things that were there to inspire me or give me hope that he was, in fact, interested!

Boy did I feel like a dummy.

But instead of focusing on how stupid I felt about not catching myself doing something it was so easy for me to see my client doing, I looked at how awesome it was that a) I did catch myself doing it, and b) I called someone who could help me get back on my path.

Sure, I could use this experience to prove to myself that I'm a horrible coach and can't possibly offer anything of value since I can't live it myself, or I can recognize (and celebrate!) the fact that I'm human, that I'm living it, too, and that life happens moment to moment.

And every triumph is worth a celebration.

(hooray!)

*the best way to cultivate good train karma? Focus on the times the train comes into the station right when you get there, and ignore the times you spend hours and hours waiting in the sauna for the train to finally come and then not be going to your borough. **

** I haven't gotten really good at this yet, obviously.

playing the end of the game before it's over

2010-07-07T08:51:00.000-04:00

Watch out! I'm about to use a sports analogy. (Yes, you are at the right blog.)

I've been enjoying some World Cup games recently, and last week there was a match that reminded me of, well, life.

In final moments of the Ghana vs. Uruguay game (before penalty kicks) there was a melee in the Uruguayan goal -- a shot on goal, blocked by the goalie, then a rebound shot, blocked by a defender, and then a third rebound, blocked by a Uruguayan handball, which, for those of you as unsportsly as I am, is totally illegal -- I mean, so illegal that the guy who had the handball got kicked out of the game and would not be allowed to play again in the tournament.

So, while he blocked a goal, he was mortified because he earned Ghana a free penalty kick, AND he lost his right to keep playing.

As he walked off the field, you could see how sick he felt, knowing he had just handed the game over to Ghana.

However, things didn't go so well for Ghana on that kick. The ball hit the crossbar at the top of the goal and flew out of bounds, leading the game into a shoot out, which, in the end was won by Uruguay.

The best moment captured on video, in my opinion, is of the player who was kicked out of the game (and it almost looks like he's been kicked out of the stadium) for a move that in his mind lost them the game, when, in fact, it didn't.

The plain truth is, whether in soccer or relationships or job interviews or auditions or family gatherings or asking for a raise or taking a risk, whatever the situation, you never know how it's going to end until it ends. And there's absolutely no value to beating yourself up for something you've done "wrong" because the game you're playing may be much bigger than the one you seem to be playing.

For example, this is only one game in that Uruguayan player's career. Maybe it sends him to the bottom of the soccer heap, and maybe it starts him on a road to stardom. Who knows? What we do know is that the game did not end the way he thought it would.

And the chances are good that yours won't either.

challenge your assumptions

2010-06-28T21:49:00.000-04:00

I'm just not someone who likes the beach. You get all sandy and hot and sticky and sunburnt and you look and feel fat in a bathing suit and it's just such a schlep to get there it's never worth it.

This is something I've told myself time and time again for 20 someodd years (as for those first few years, I probably actually enjoyed being hot and sticky and finding pouches of sand in the crotch of my swimsuit; hooray! Pouch of sandy treasure!) I believed for years that I'm just not a beach person, and that kept me from pursuing shoreline vacations and hours of reclined relaxation.

And, truth be told, when I was eight-ish, I hated the beach so much that I ran away from home* because my family insisted on going to the dirty, dirty beach instead of going to the swimming pool, which I liked much better.

So recently, when my friends invited me for a day at the beach, I hesitated. I don't like the beach, I heard myself say. It'll be too hot, too much of a hassle, too uncomfortable. And yet, somehow, I decided the getaway was too necessary and the friends too much fun to pass up. And also, I thought the old beach story might just be that: a story.

Very intentionally, I challenged the assumption I had about myself that I'm just not a beach person. I put myself in a position to find out if that was true, or if it really was just another story I was telling myself. My hint that it was a story was that not liking the beach, being pale, and having spent previous beach days in a t-shirt under the umbrella the whole time set me apart from other people in my mind, and made me feel "unique." I got something from holding onto that old story. I was protected form possible discomfort by just not going to the beach in the first place.

So what did I discover that day on Long Island?

1. If I wear enough sunscreen, I don't actually burn. (Except around my butt, and I think that one was my fault.)

2. If I swim, walk, talk, eat, and do crossword puzzles, there's no time to get bored or overthink how much more comfortable I might be in a t-shirt under that umbrella over there.

3. The beach really isn't that dirty.

4. The trip really isn't that long.

5. And if I choose safe people, am clear with myself about the risks I'm willing to take and those I'm not willing to take (e.g. taking a possibly long train trip vs. agreeing to stay until nightfall), have an exit strategy (if necessary), and just DIVE IN, I might actually enjoy something I haven't enjoyed in years.

Which is to say, I went back to the beach this past weekend, too. And this time I didn't even burn my butt!

If you want to try this, too, here's a To Do List to get back on your pony and ride:

1. Identify something that you think you can't do, or that you used to do but no longer do. Something you think might give you pleasure if you just let it.

2. Find a couple of safe people who are willing to experiment with you (and who will surrender the original plans if you become overwhelmed, or discover that the story isn't a story after all).

3. Get clear about what you're willing to do and what you're not willing to do. Make it cut and dry, and share it with your safe people. For example, "I'm willing to go to Times Square for New Year's Eve if it costs less than $50 and we're not standing next to anybody drunk. Otherwise, I have the right to leave if I want to."

4. Put on your attitude of curiosity, and jump in!

If nothing else, you'll know more about your limits (or your perceived limits) than you did before. And who knows? You may just inspire your safe people to take some risks of their own...

*I made it to the driveway, where I was lured back into the fold by my mother, equipped with nothing more than two rapidly melting popsicles.

what motivates YOU?

2010-06-17T12:18:00.000-04:00

Below is a really fascinating video on what motivates people inside an organization to perform better. It talks about how money alone is not enough, and points to the ideas of autonomy and purpose as driving factors behind organizational behavior.

So how does this apply to you?

ooooh, what a little persistence will doooooo....

2010-06-04T17:41:00.000-04:00

So here's a little story about Sticking With It (Even Though You Think It's Going To Fail).

I was recently doing some research into graduate psychology programs and discovered that most of them require some form of undergraduate statistics. Now, I haven't studied stats since high school, so if I were interested in pursuing a masters in psychology (which I'm not sure I am, but stick with me on this) I'd have to go back to college and take undergrad statistics.

Ok, fine. Then I got to thinking about application deadlines and stuff. If, I told myself, I want to be able to consider grad school in the winter of 2011, I'd have to take stats... this summer! Otherwise, I'll have to take stats in the fall and apply in the spring for a fall of 2011 admission.

So I dragged my heels a bit, thinking:

commencement just happened
the summer session can't be starting just yet
I probably have a week or two to get it together
I'm not really sure I want to go to grad school anyway
I'll look into it later
etc.

After inspirational conversations with my coach and my mother, however, I decided I would just start investigating it now, just in case.

And when I called the registrar's office at Hunter, I discovered that the application deadline was... TOMORROW.

(This is where the persistence part kicks in.)

The registrar needs a copy of my transcript. (I haven't seen my transcript for 12 years.) I know there's a copy of it in my files at my parents' house so I call home to see if Dad can locate it in the attic. Twenty minutes of looking later, he can't, and I'm ready to give up.

"Kate, I'll go to New Haven to pick up a new copy for you, if you need me to."

Hope comes back. I call Yale for a transcript and they say that I should place the order, but they can't guarantee that it'll be ready by tomorrow. Hope fades again.

"Kate, you're willing to pay Hunter money, they'll probably find a way to accept it."

Hope comes back. I call them and find out the procedure -- they need a filled-out application, registration fee, and transcript before 3pm the next day. Hope fades. Until... I discover on their website that they'll accept a copy of my diploma. Which I know my mother can locate for me!

Hope returns, and I try to register for class and can't. Hope departs.

"Try going to the Registrar's office."

Hope returns, and I can register, but only with permission of the math department, who wants proof that I've taken math before -- and might require me to take a placement test. Hope skedaddles faster than a bug on fire.

But I persist, hope clinging to the edge of me like I'm a canyon. The math department? All they want is for me to tell them my AB Calc grade from nineteen mumbledy mumble.

This back and forth goes on and on, with hurdles and hoops and obstacles at every step of the way, and hope coming and going like junkies on a seesaw. Truth is, if it weren't for the moral support of my parents and my coach, I'd have quit before I even started.

My point in all of this is that it worked out in the end. The obstacles that seemed so looming and permanent were actually made of sawdust -- but I didn't know that until I blew on them. It took grit, a couple of lunch hours, asking for help from people I knew I could count on, and the willingness to persist in the face of adversity.

Needless to say, I'm 1/6 of the way through the course already. What are the odds of that?

our lovely, imperfect selves

2010-05-25T17:42:00.000-04:00

I was recently reading a post on the Sunday at Noon blog, in which matchmaker Marni Galison talks about how easy it is to fall into the trap of cutting off potential dates because they're not perfect. She says:

In most aspects of our lives, we can accept that the people we love are
flawed human beings but naturally we still love them anyway. Despite those
flaws, we recognize the qualities that make them the unique, wonderful people
they are and we cherish having them in our lives.
But for some reason, when it comes to dating, the minute we see that a new
love interest is less than perfect we rush to judgment. And often that judgment
is equivalent to the Spanish Inquisition – no one stands a chance from thereon
in.

She goes on to encourage us to forgive each other for not being perfect, which might make dating a little bit easier. (See the whole article here.)

I'd like to take that action even one step further -- I'd like to encourage us to forgive ourselves for not being perfect. When we accept, embrace, and even revel in our own imperfections ("that's right, I can be needy sometimes!") we are likely to be more forgiving of perceived shortcomings in others.

One of the things I try to do to give myself perspective on perfection and the challenges that other people face is simple: I put myself in their shoes. Given their situations, backgrounds, friends, fears, needs, etc., how would I act? Would I be different? And if so, can I at least understand better why they are they way they are?

It's a carry-over from my acting days when I used to put on all those things on behalf of a character, and I find it expands my generosity and patience with others immensely. (Which can come in handy when one is dating...)

identifying and changing habits

2010-05-20T13:51:00.000-04:00

A recent article published in the Wall Street Journal talks about a study done to see what effect having "social support" has on peoples' willingness to get exercise.

"The study, conducted by Stanford University, belongs to a growing body of research showing that small amounts of social support, ranging from friends who encourage each other by email to occasional meetings with a fitness counselor, can produce large and lasting gains against one of America's biggest health problems—physical inactivity. Only 48% of Americans say they meet the federal recommendation for exercising half an hour most days of the week, and the actual percentage is believed to be much lower. Exercise researchers estimate that nearly all sedentary people at one time or another have resolved and failed to maintain exercise programs."

The story goes on to talk about how having accountability for her behavior led one woman to start an exercise program that, over time, just became a habit. And the results of the study showed that everyone who participated -- whether they had regular reminders or not -- was working out more often. However, those who were receiving calls from a live person had the longest-term success, almost doubling the time they spent exercising. "When you knew you were going to have to report back on what you had done, it motivated you," said one participant.

And this motivation is part of what coaching is all about. Creating a relationship that deepens accountability and responsibility. Working together to support you in your desire to change a habit -- something that you may not even be able to identify as a "habit" at the moment, especially if it just feels like "just the way things are" (or, more trickily, "just the way I am").

So, short of dropping me an email and signing up for a free sample session, what can you do? Well, there's a website called Habit Forge that will let you sign up for daily accountability emails. You simply tell the site what you want to achieve, check your email every day, answer the question "were you successful at achieving your goal?" and, if you answer YES for 21 days in a row, you go into "Monitoring Mode." A pretty painless way to give it a shot, no?

And it's free, so why not check it out? (And hey! A sample session is also free...)

a handful of inspirational quotes

2010-05-16T17:51:00.000-04:00

"I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something. And because I cannot do everything I will not refuse to do the something that I can do." -- Helen Keller

"Be yourself. Everyone else is taken." -- Oscar Wilde

"Half of the troubles of this life can be traced to saying yes too quickly and not saying no soon enough." -- Josh Billings

"The thing always happens that you really believe in; and the belief in a thing makes it happen." -- Frank Loyd Wright

"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there" -- Will Rogers

"Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness, concerning all acts of initiative (and creation). There is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforseen incidents and meetings and material assistance which no man could have dreamed would have come his way..." – Goethe

"It is not in doing what you like, but in liking what you do that is the secret of happiness." -- J.M. Barrie

"So many of our dreams at first seem impossible, then they seem improbable, and then, when we summon the will, they soon become inevitable." -- Christopher Reeve

And my favorites:
"The future has several names. For the weak, it is the impossible. For the fainthearted, it is the unknown. For the thoughtful and valiant, it is the ideal." -- Victor Hugo

("And for Michael J. Fox," said my office mate Fernando, "it's the thing you have to go back to.")

on broken hearts

2010-05-12T09:49:00.000-04:00

My friend John is a fabulous writer, and he recently wrote a piece about how to get over a broken heart. (The crux of his argument? Pina Coladas.) And, while his suggestion of bellying up to the bar isn't necessarily something I'd recommend to my readers (no offense, John) the way he describes the strength of the human heart really spoke to me, so I thought I'd share it with you:

"It helps to think of your heart as a piece of steel. Not chocolate or flesh or crepe paper. A shiny ball of steel. Which has a breaking point. But have you ever seen steel forged? It's heated in a volcano hot furnace until it glows white. It's so hot, the hard steel is malleable. Then it's hammered and hammered and hammered. Smashed into shape. Two pieces are clobbered to form one whole piece and then the steel is dumped into water. Once it's cooled, it's as hard as... well, you know. I've had my heart broken many, many times. And each time, I ended up stronger. My furnace? A Pina Colada. Maybe some Patsy Cline. A new friend, if just for that moment."

(You can read the rest of the article here.)

It's easy to think that you're not up to a challenge, or that you've been hurt so badly that you'll never recover. But keeping this image of an invulnerable heart in your mind, remembering that no matter what you throw at it, it will only get stronger... well, it works for me.

Failure Is NOT An Option? (Well, Maybe It SHOULD Be!) by Rebecca Soulette

2010-05-01T09:27:00.000-04:00

I'm sure you've heard the (supposedly) motivational words, Failure Is Not An Option , as a way to inspire people to do great things. It makes great ad copy when selling sneakers or gatorade, and it ALWAYS makes for stirring interviews when people like Donald Trump, Olympic gold medalists, and award winners from every walk of life say it.

The Failure Is Not An Option perspective is a state of mind that can be extremely useful in helping us to keep moving forward no matter what setbacks come our way. But it can also do the EXACT OPPOSITE.

For those of us who were born (or raised) as perfectionists, or for those of us who overwhelm easily, the Failure Is Not An Option mentality can actually paralyze us before we even begin.

Why?

Because if we're trying something new, by definition, we're ATTEMPTING something we've never done before. And if we've never done it before (or if we currently suck at something that we're trying to improve at it) we don't know how to do it well yet. And expecting ourselves to be perfect at something we don't actually know how to do well yet can be A LOT of pressure.

Just imagine if you're teaching a baby to walk. Little Junior has started hoisting himself up to a standing position on the coffee table and looks JUST ABOUT ready to let go and take a step or two toward you. Now, imagine if your words to him were, "Okay, Kiddo, Failure Is NOT An Option --let go of the table and walk over to me. Don't screw up! And, whatever you do, you CAN'T fall down!"

Luckily, most children who are about to take their first steps are too young to even understand what you'd be talking about if you were to say that to them, yet, isn't that what we're saying to ourselves when we imagine that Failure Is Not An Option; that we have to perform perfectly?

Everyone knows that MOST children, on letting go of the table and lunging forward, trying to take a step will end up falling on their butt on the floor--if not during the first step, then during the second or the third--and even if they successfully walk, they are bound to fall again the minute they start adding speed, turns, or enthusiasm to the mix. Not to mention that most babies don't even know what they did to make themselves walk the first time they do it, since they're so surprised it worked, they don't always know how to repeat what they just did.

The step that the idea Failure Is Not An Option MISSES is that there IS no success or improvement without failure. Yes, occasionally, we may be lucky and the first time out trying something new. We do well (and label it "beginner's luck" not "beginner's solid and completely dependable talent"), but MOST of the time we WILL screw up, fail, fall, or, at the very least, have a type-o. And what's GOOD about that (Yes, it's good! I swear!!!!) is that THAT is how we learn to do better. We can't course-correct if we don't go OFF course first. We can't refine anything until we do it just a little bit wrong. And we can't learn what to do unless we become absolutely sure about what we DON'T want to do. It's all part of the same process that leads us to success. And to put the kind of pressure on ourselves that we're NOT ALLOWED to screw up is counter productive. How can we learn if we can't screw up?

If I had fallen as a baby learning to walk (which, believe me, I did!) does that mean I should have quit and never tried doing it again because I didn't do it perfectly the first time? Absolutely not. With that logic, I'd still be crying, flat on my diapered butt by the coffee table in our old apartment, never having learned to walk.

So maybe it's time I (and all of us) try on the idea that not only IS failure an option, it may even be a REQUIREMENT on the road to progress and success.

This week, if you're like me and get paralyzed by the idea thatFailure Is Not An Option I invite you to turn that idea on it's ear and see how much easier it may be for you to take strides forward if you let yourself see failure for the learning and improvement tool that it actually is!

About Rebecca Soulette, CFLC III ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Life Coach, Rebecca Soulette, CFLC III, is a senior level coach certified through the Fearless Living Institute. She is an expert in helping her clients to live the lives they were born to live. She is also the creator of http://www.lifebeyondcelebrity.com/ , where she helps celebrities and others in the public eye create balanced and fulfilling lives beyond their fame. Rebecca Soulette, CFLC III, also offers teleclasses, private 1:1 and group coaching. To help both celebrites and non-celebrities alike live the lives the were born to live. Learn more now at http://www.rebeccasoulette.com/ .

what do you tell yourself?

2010-04-28T16:37:00.000-04:00

Have you ever heard Radiolab before? If not, you must! These guys are smart, funny, and, if I do say so myself, just my type.

In the episode below, they discuss the effect of external stimuli on the performance of people on tests -- blacks and whites, males and females -- in an effort to figure out what it is exactly that triggers two students of equal skills and abilities to score so differently on a standardized test.

It turns out that it's internal negative chatter (surprise, surprise) that, even if they don't believe it, distracts them long enough to stress them out.

Have a listen:

View Full Audio on WNYC

there is no such thing as delay

2010-04-25T13:34:00.000-04:00

I went to hear Michael Beckwith speak recently, and if you're not familiar with who he is, he's a non-denominational reverend who is more into god than any particular manifestation of him.

(He's also a better looking version of Milli or Vanilli, take your pick.)

His topic was something like "Finding Your Soul's Purpose," and I went to listen because I'm feeling a little stuck these days. I was excited to hear what someone with a different (and famously motivating) perspective would have to say on the topic, except... well, he never really got around to talking about the topic.

Instead we were greeted with a number of things I didn't particularly care for in his presentation, including a ten minute segment from his "dance minister" who wore a gauzy dress and flailed herself around in front of a room of paying customers, and a twenty minute version of a song whose title I can only assume was "I'm So Grateful that I Just Can't Stop Singing -- in English or in Spanish -- I'll just Keep on Going Forever," but that's neither here nor there.

Despite my mounting frustration, I stayed and listened for whatever nugget I could take away, and what I got was this:

There is No Delay in the Universe.

Beckwith's argument was that the Universe is perfect. It's perfectly balanced energy, and we (each of us) occupy a perfectly balanced place in it. I am a Kate-shaped energy inside of a Kate-shaped hole in the universal energy. (Or something like that.) So if something in your life feels stalled or delayed, that's only your perspective on it. The Universe (he argued) knows nothing about delay. All it knows is that you don't yet have the skills or tools or support or energy or whatever you need to move on to the next level.

Now, while this is a little bit of a Super Mario Brothers interpretation of the Universe, I like it. I like the idea that the reason I feel stuck is that there's something I haven't learned or gotten or processed yet, and this lull, this slow-down, is an opportunity for me to catch up on whatever that is.

So if you're in a place where you feel stalled, trapped, stuck, or otherwise Not Moving, ask around and see if there's something you don't have or know yet that would help you move into your next chapter. You might just be surprised.

(Although if the Universe tells you to become a dance minister, I might not listen...)

a poem

2010-04-20T21:30:00.000-04:00

Autobiography in 5 Short Chapters
by Portia Nelson, from the book There's a Hole in My Sidewalk: The Romance of Self-Discovery

Chapter I

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost ... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter II

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit ... but,
my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter IV

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter V

I walk down another street.

Tricks for how to catch yourself in negative self-chatter mode

2010-04-17T11:30:00.000-04:00

One of the important ideas to consider when working with the inner voice that’s judgmental of you is that your words can, in fact, create your future. So the more you say unpleasant things to yourself in your head (or even out loud) the more you’re narrowing your future and bringing about the behavior or “fact” that your saboteur is feeding you.

I'm not a huge fan of Henry Ford, but I agree with something he once said -- "Whether you think you can or you think you can't, you're right."

Our actions are created by our thought, and our thoughts are made up of words. So if you’re not really into the power of words, this article may not be for you – and I understand where you are. Before I tried changing the way I said things, I felt the way you do. "It's just WORDS, it's not like it makes a difference." All I can say now is try listening to yourself saying some of the following words and seeing how they impact you. I’m not you and can’t speak for you. But I do know that all of these things have helped me and my clients.

It can be so easy to ignore a negative thought or not even recognize it as negative. Part of the process of catching yourself saying something negative is to know what to listen for. That’s why I’ve come up with a list of words to help trigger your Observer Brain to let it know you’ve just had a negative thought. When you say the following words, it doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve said something mean, but there’s a pretty good chance that it’s not nice…

“Should”, “ought”, “must”, “have to,”

There are lots of words that assume rules and standards for behavior that do not exist in reality. They also imply a consequence for noncompliance, and often evoke guilt. For example, we may tell ourselves: “I should have lost five pounds by now.” or “I shouldn't eat cake and ice-cream”.

Who says? Challenge the rules and regulations you've enforced on yourself. Replace the words should, ought, or must with the words “could”, “will,” “may” and realize the gift of choices. Cake and ice-cream becomes much less powerful if we know we could, can, and will eat it if we want to.

“Can’t”

There is very little in this world that you can’t do if you really put your mind to it. Thing of something you can’t do. And then I’ll tell you there’s a way you could do it, if you really wanted to. So telling yourself that you can’t do something is just an excuse. It’s also a gateway to a judgment. “I can’t do that, so that means I am _________”

Choose not to. Since you are all-capable, and there’s nothing you can’t do, there are certainly a large number of things on which you choose not to focus your energy. And that’s the difference – ‘can’t” becomes “I choose not to.”

Hate/Angry

Have you ever been to a hospital and noticed how the nurses talk about ‘discomfort’ instead of ‘pain’? This is generally done because ‘pain’ is a much more powerful word, and discussing your ‘pain’ level can actually make your experience of it more intense than if you’re discussing your ‘discomfort’ level.

Tone it down. In talking (to yourself and others) turning powerful negative words to more neutral ones can actually help turn down the emotionality your experience. Instead of using words like “hate” and “angry” (as in, “I hate traffic! It makes me so angry!”), you can use words like “don’t like” and “annoyed” (“I don’t like traffic; it makes me annoyed,” sounds much milder, doesn’t it?)

Hard

When you say something is hard, how does it feel inside your body? Try it. “My job is so hard.” “Losing weight is so hard.” “Finding an affordable apartment in new York is so HARD.” Does it feel like something you can actually do?

Some people are enlivened by this kind of obstacle to overcome. However, others (ahem, most of us) feel defeated by it. So watch out for anything that’s “hard.”

Challenge yourself. Instead, if something is difficult, consider it a challenge. Challenges are not only overcomable, but they can also be fun! Other words you can use to replace “hard” are “difficult,” “tricky,” or another adjective all together that better suits the situation.

Always/Never

If you find yourself talking in absolutes like always and never (or everybody and nobody), there’s a good chance you’re falling into a trap of your own making. “I always eat late at night” is more damning and permanent than “I seem to be eating at night a lot recently.”

Speak to the immediate truth. Are you in a place where you’re engaging in a behavior that makes you unhappy? Maybe you’re ignoring your dishes, being late to work, snapping at your roommate/partner – that doesn’t mean you always do it or never do the opposite. If you speak in terms of the immediate time frame, you give yourself more options for the future, and you’re not pinning your identity to a series of behaviors you happen to be engaging in right now, that may not, in fact, be what you always do.

Feeling the impact of negative self-chatter

2010-04-14T11:00:00.000-04:00

So how do you know when you’re talking negatively to yourself? One way is to feel it. Everyone is different and is going to feel his or her negative self-chatter in different ways, but for me, I get a tightening in my chest, and my shoulders start to slump. My throat tightens up, and my jaw gets tight. In general, my body feels like it’s stuck in paste or glue.

And I get super-frowny. Inside and out.

Take a minute to explore the physical sensations that accompany your version of self-chatter. If you can, find a partner (could be your roommate, spouse, mother, friend, trusted coworker), and share with him or her one of the good old standby negative thoughts you have. It doesn't matter how boring or regular the thought is (that you’re even worried that the thought is boring or normal is self-chatter!), just share it with that partner. As you say it, notice how you feel. If you don’t feel anything particular, say it again. Repeat it once and take a deep breath. Scan your body with your mind’s eye. Where is the tension? How is your breathing? What could be relaxed? If you’re still stuck, ask your partner what he or she sees happening in your body.

If you can't find a partner, try this exercise in the mirror. Watch your body as you say the nasty thought over and over again. If you don't see a difference in your body, try thinking about a positive thought (like that perfect sunset, or when you walked across a big stage to receive a diploma), and see how that impacts your body. Alternate between thoughts until you can feel or see a difference in your body.

Once you’ve got the feeling, jot down particulars about it so you know what to be on the lookout for later. The feelings may not always be this strong or the same combination of factors that you experiencing with your partner, but this is a good place to start in your noticing.

As you progress with this work and pay attention to yourself hearing your negative self-chatter, double check your body -- does the posture you assume when you hear yourself beating yourself up empower you? Or does it make you feel like you're stuck in paste, frowning on the inside as well as the outside?

Identifying negative self-chatter

2010-04-11T22:06:00.001-04:00

Negative self talk for most of us, at this point, is sheer habit. We do it, and don’t even know we’re doing it. (You may even be judging yourself for doing it as you read this paragraph of me accusing you of doing it!) To some extent it's "normal," but that doesn't mean it serves us.

In the next few articles, I'll be discussing ways to handle the negative self-chatter in your head.

To start examining the issue of negative self-chatter, the first thing we need to learn how to do is to catch ourselves being negative. It takes practice (and patience) because it goes against what we've ingrained on ourselves for however long we've been hard on ourselves. But, luckily, there are ways to change all that!

The next time you catch yourself saying something negative about yourself– either feeling it, hearing it, or remembering it, take a moment and simply note it. You can commemorate the note in any number of ways – by breathing, taking a sip of water, jotting the thought down in a notebook, adding a bean to a jar… whatever works for you. The point of the exercise is not to punish yourself for having negative thoughts – we all do! – but rather to alert yourself to how MUCH you do it, and strengthening the muscles it takes to develop awareness around it.

To make it more bearable, have a little fun with it. Stay curious about how much you do this – if I asked you now, would you be able to tell me how many negative thoughts you have a day?

[This is NOT about punishment. I repeat: This is NOT about punishment!]

The objective is simply to hear yourself saying things. So every time you catch your saboteur saying something hurtful, you win. Even if you don’t do anything about the thought, or (bleck!) fall victim to believing it’s true. That’s ok! The point here is to work out the muscles that detect the voice.

The first step in being able to manage the thoughts you do have is to recognize THAT you’re saying things to yourself. When you've mastered that (ha!) then move on to hearing WHAT it is you’re saying.

curiosity did not kill the cat, it made the cat's life a LOT easier!

2010-03-31T14:10:00.001-04:00

Curiosity is a quality we all have. It shows up when we look at puzzles and try to solve them, or when we meet someone new and want to find out more about that person. And I'd argue that we all like to think we know ourselves – because if we don't know ourselves, what do we really know? But when we act in ways that don’t serve us (or straight up hurt us) how well can we really know ourselves? If we were self-experts, wouldn't we avoid behaviors like that?

Finding out what drives our self-defeating or self-limiting behavior takes self-curiosity. And self-curiosity takes some detachment, the recognition of what’s going on inside of you, and a willingness to let go of the thoughts and emotions you may be holding deeply. This curiosity combo is one of the key tools in the battle against negative self-chatter.

Recognizing “I feel angry” and then asking yourself without judgment, “hmm, that’s interesting. I wonder what it is that is making me feel angry,” can be really freeing. Identifying the feeling, labeling it, and then taking it apart can help you turn down the volume of the judgments in your head and choose to behave in different ways.

So what I know about emotions is that they’re less dependent on what happens to you than they are on the thoughts you have about what that means about who you are – thoughts that are completely made up.

For example, one night I pigged out, eating more ice cream than I care to admit in public. And I woke up the next day angry, stressed out, and fairly miserable. I asked myself with curiosity, “hmmm, I wonder what is making me feel angry.” And I sat down with my journal to figure it out. After about half an hour of writing, I realized that I felt angry because I felt guilty. I felt like having eaten everything I ate, I’d never lose weight, I’d never have a boyfriend, and nobody would ever love me again.

All because I ate too much ice cream!

So I asked myself a simple question: What if all of those repercussions weren’t true? What if I just ate more ice cream than I needed (because I wanted something else that I wasn't getting), and in the future I could still lose weight, I could still have a boyfriend and lots of people would love me?

And when I believed that was a possibility, I sat back down and got curious again – what was I getting from beating myself up about it? And when I was really honest, I realized that I felt like I had transgressed in some way, and that I needed to be punished, so I was beating myself up.

So I asked myself another simple question: What if that wasn’t true, either? What if what I had done wasn’t actually bad, and that there wasn’t anything to be punished for?

You can see how this process of taking things apart one thought at a time, getting really curious about why I was thinking them, and then being gentle with myself around the answers made it easier to see that I was making it all up.

Now, do I still want to gorge on ice cream? Yes, sometimes I do. But the more I practice forgiving myself and letting go of my attachment to judgments about myself – the more curious I get about my own behavior – the easier it is to do the stuff I want to do and eliminate the behavior I don’t want.

working with money

2010-03-15T09:28:00.000-04:00

It's my experience that many creative people struggle with money. They want to make more or keep more, balance their budgets, spend in a "healthy" way, and generally feel a sense of financial abundance -- without feeling like they're fooling themselves with some fancy thinking.

If this sounds familiar (and you're in New York City), check out:

Peter Pamela Rose's FREE

You and Your Money Relationship
Wednesday, March 24th at 2:30pm

The Barrow Group Theatre on the 3rd floor of 312 West 36th Street

To RSVP, please call The Network at (212) 239-3198
(reservations are necessary, so please RSVP to save your place)

As a Certified Coach specializing in the Entertainment Industry, Peter Pamela also works with many actors/directors/writers with fluctuating incomes who need an adjustment for their thoughts (and budget skills) around money. Therefore the seminar YOU AND YOUR MONEY RELATIONSHIP was developed to help you get your thoughts and actions around money to work for you, instead of against you. The skills taught in this seminar will teach you to earn more money and not less, regardless of the state of the economy.

In her seminar you will learn to:

Look at money in ways that work FOR you and not against you
Stop perpetuating underearning and thoughts of worthlessness
Transform your unhealthy money habits into healthy habits
Increase your self-esteem around money
Bust through your comfort zone and increase your income

Peter Pamela Rose, Certified Life/Career Coach and founder of Acting Business Bootcamp (www. actingbusinessbootcamp.com) has been coaching professionally for over 14 years and has worked as a commercial and voice over actress for over 20 years. In addition, Peter Pamela assisted Manager Jean Fox in building the careers of Mira Sorvino and Scarlett Johansson and worked under casting director, Roger Mussenden (Get Smart, Valkerie, I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry.)

Peter uses the principle that people have a virtually unlimited capacity for growth, change and creativity. Her passion is to help clients clearly define their goals and set up an effective plan of action to achieve those dreams. Her strength lies in helping people release the energy that has been tied up around fear. Peter strongly believes that when one harnesses that fear and channels it into learning how to take good care of oneself, they are then best suited to be of maximum service to others – the ultimate purpose for being.

I've never taken this class in person, but I have listened to the CD version of it, and find it to be very insightful. Fear around money is normal and common, and Peter has a lot of great tips, tricks, and techniques to help you navigate that tricky relationship.

don't give up!

2010-03-04T11:11:00.000-05:00

I know I've written a lot lately about goals, and reaching for what you want, and all that good stuff, so I thought I'd share with you part of an article on motivation that I got from another savvy coach, Nancy Fox. (Visit her at www.thebusinessfox.com) The whole article is more in-depth, but the part that resonated most with me broke down the stages of decision-making:

"Action/Decision - you take some new action or make a decision
Relief/Excitement - this provides relief or excitement - You look forward to the new.
Doubt - the relief or excitement is short-lived. Doubt for your decision or about your action sets in.
Fear/Overwhelm - Doubt is immediately followed by fear or a feeling of being overwhelmed.
Remorse/Regret - You begin to regret your choice or action. (This is what is commonly known as "buyers remorse.")
Projecting Blame - You immediately start seeking who you might blame for the feeling of remorse. You see it as a force outside of yourself. Ex. Your partner was a bad guy anyway, your boss never told you what he/she really expected, etc.
Seeking Shelter/Safety - Here's where you want to pull back or go back to old familiar ways. Ex. You want to stay in your current job vs. making a change to one with greater potential.
Relief - You feel a short-lived sense of relief.
Lowered self-esteem - Right below relief is an experience of lowered self-esteem because you have not made a decision from a powerful stance but from a fearful one."

I love the way this breaks down because I can see myself in every one of those steps. (I've gotten a lot better about #6, though!) I've definitely made decisions, gotten excited, doubted, gotten scared, and started to change my mind. For me, the "seeking shelter/safety" is extra powerful, because it leads to that blessed, almost instantaneous relief of not having to do anything.

However...

When the change is important to me, I build in safeguards to ward off steps 5, 6, and 7, and therefore avoid steps 8 and 9 all together.

Nancy's suggestions for safeguards are the following:

"Accepting Full Responsibility - for your situation and for your results. No excuses. Gives you a huge sense of power.
Adopting A Can Do Mindset - Listen to your language. Are you telling yourself it can be done, or it can't? Either way you'll be right. Your choice.
Trusting - In yourself and your ability to generate the right results.
Seeking Support - Hang around with supportive people, hang with the winners.
Positive People, Positive Life - self explanatory.
Daily Consistent Actions - Put the right structures, right routines in place and adhere to them as if they are the law - your law.
Focus on your WHY - By focusing on your real purpose, why you took the action, you will be motivated to stick to it."

I think these suggestions are spot on, and will affect different people in different ways. For example, #4 is crucial for me -- I'm a talker. And I can talk myself out of fear just as easily as I can talk myself into it. So combining supportive people with consistent, daily actions, often helps me overcome my fear in a plow-ahead-like-a-freight-train kind of way. Sure, it's scary, but if I do #7 and ramp up #3 (possibly via #2 and #1), I can make it through.

put on your big girl panties

2010-03-01T20:39:00.000-05:00

I worked way more than I am used to this week (six days in a row, and one of them was from 9 to 9) so when Sunday rolled around and I finally had a day off, I didn't want to do ANYTHING. Just sit on the couch, nurse my burgeoning cold, and decompress.

Except... if I did that, I'd have nothing to wear, nothing to eat, a gym membership going to waste, and nothing but regrets on Monday.

So what did I do? I put on my big girl panties and did what needed to be done. I washed my clothes, went to the gym, bought groceries, cooked like a banshee* and even ironed my blouses. AND somewhere in there, I found time to see a movie and go shopping with my friend.

Now, I'm not looking for praise or claiming to be a superhero because I managed to do my chores. What I am looking for, though, is the mechanism by which I was able to drag my tired ass off the couch and over to the ironing board. That feeling of responsibility, or accountability, or need-to-do-this-ness that I am calling, for lack of a better name, my big girl panties.

Big girl panties have shown up in a lot of places in my life. In college, I put on my BGP's to crank out a paper while everyone else was drinking beers in the courtyard. As an actor, I wore my BGP's during tech week when things just needed to be done, and I was the one to do them, 3am or not. Now I wear them when a date I like doesn't call me back, or when the dishes are stacked higher than I am tall, or when I just donwanna do whatever it is that's facing me. Because wearing my BGP's is one way that I can take care of me.

I have, in the past, been susceptible to feelings of victimhood -- "oh woe is me, I worked so hard this week, won't someone swoop in here and do my laundry?" But at some point I realized that it's all about choice. I could, in fact, pay someone to swoop in and do my laundry, but that'd cost me $30. I could choose to sit on the couch, zone out like a 'tater and not take care of myself, and then, when I want to eat, I'll have to choose between eating saltines and raisins or spending $20 on dinner. I could get my shirts ironed... for $1.50 apiece, two blocks away. (You get my point.)

Instead, I stepped up, threw on my big girl panties, and took care of myself. I gave myself the gift of doing things the way I like them, when I want them done, for free.

And, truth be told, when my blouses were all ironed and hung in the closet, my clothes were folded and put away, my food cooked (healthily), and my legs aching from the weight room, I felt good. I felt financially responsible, well-cared-for, and independent -- all qualities I value having in my life.

So look at your life. Where do you struggle with wanting or not wanting to do something? What are the payoffs for sitting on the couch (metaphorically or actually)? And what are the payoffs for getting up? Will what you're avoiding actually go away if you ignore it today? And will what you're doing instead actually make you feel better? If the answers to those are "yes," then this may not be the day for your big girl panties.

But I'd pack them anyway. Just in case.

*I'm not 100% sure banshees eat, let alone cook.

book review: The Magic LAMP by Keith Ellis

2010-02-02T17:16:00.000-05:00

In preparing for my goal-setting class, I read a lot of books, websites, and other materials on goals. And in general, they were pretty dry and boring reads. But Keith Ellis, in his book The Magic LAMP: Goal Setting for People Who Hate Setting Goals has captured some of the magic of goals and transmits it to his readers with joy and enthusiasm.

I highly recommend it!

The LAMP in his program breaks down into:
Lock on -- What do You Want?
Act
Manage Your Progress
Persist

In many ways his advice parallels mine -- figure out what you want and make a plan to get it. Then do something (anything) that starts you in the direction of your goal. Keep your goal in sight at all times and maintain an emotional connection to it. Then just keep going.

He calls goals wishes, because, in effect, that's what they are. "Wishing" has a whimsical, heart-felt-ness to it that boring old "goal-setting" just lacks. And, tempted as I am, I won't steal it. (Though it's such a great idea I really, really want to!)

He makes a number of great points, some of which are:

Everyone knows how to make a plan, because we all plan for vacations. So if you say "I'm not good at setting goals because I can't stick to a plan," that's kind of crap.
If you're not motivated enough to act on your goal, then you don't care enough about attaining it to act. And if you don't care enough, then why pursue it in the first place? You may be unhappy, but you're just not unhappy enough to actually do anything about it.
Self-destructive behavior is just a habit. You can change any habit in 30 days if you apply yourself to it. But you have to be willing to do the work to release the old habit.
Life is like a self-service gas station -- you can sit in your car and honk the horn as long as you want, but that's not going to get your tank filled.
Goal setting (or, in his book, wishing) is like gardening; you have to have faith that your efforts will get you to your goal. Nobody would plant seeds if they felt strongly that they wouldn't turn into tomatoes!
You can never finish what you never start.

He has some great exercises, fabulous insights, and difficult questions to ask yourself. If working with my posts has not inspired you enough then you're not human! I mean, if working with my posts has not inspired you enough, then pick up this book. Hell, pick it up anyway!* You won't regret it!

*or get it at the library like I did! Thanks, NYPL!

Resolutions to Results IX: Commit!

2010-01-30T16:56:00.000-05:00

The last step in this amazing process is committing to achieving this goal with your whole heart and soul.

What does that mean? It means making your goal a priority in your life. Spending a little time every day (or a lot of time on a few days) working -- possibly struggling -- towards this goal. It means keeping at it after others have quit. Sticking to it in bad moods and good moods.

As you prepare to commit, ask yourself the following questions:
1. Am I willing to pay the price it will cost to get this goal?
2. Am I willing to stick with this until I get it?
3. Is this goal humanly possible?

As you review the work you've done, look at the things you stand to gain and lose from this achievement and decide whether or not this is something you are committed to doing, willy nilly, from this second in time forward. Once you commit to pursuing this goal, there will be no going back to the way things were before. You can always re-evaluate and reprioritize your goals, but going back to things the way they were before this work is just not an option.

When you're ready to commit to this goal, take a deep breath, and declare outloud, "I am committed to [insert your goal here]."

And you're off and running!

From Resolutions to Results VIII: Get Support

2010-01-27T16:10:00.000-05:00

Now that you've got a Simple, Measurable, Active, Realistic, Timely, and Thrilling goal with due dates assigned, you've got to get going! However, trying to do it alone can be incredibly difficult.

Finding mentors and accountability partners will increase your success rate dramatically. But who do you ask? Your mom? Your husband? Maybe, maybe not. Look at your list of roles and responsibilities from the first post: which relationships on that list would benefit most from you achieving your goal? Who in your life is already achieving your goal at the level at which you’d like to achieve it?

I really recommend accountability partnerships for achieving goals. While it’s tempting to ask those closest to you to be your accountability partners, that could be a trap. Whether we like it or not, there are rules in the relationships we’ve already established. If you’re the fat sister, using your (skinny) sister as your accountability partner for losing weight might backfire.

Instead, setting up a clearly negotiated partnership with someone you don't know quite as well could serve your goal better. With those people, you can explicitly design your relationship and your interactions. You can agree “I will email you about my successes three times a week and no more.” A friend might be confused by this, or feel used, but an accountability partner will reap the same benefits by sharing with you in a similar fashion. Take a few minutes to identify people in your life who can serve you as accountability partners, and then start asking around!

Announcing your goal to others is important, too, and has lots of benefits – it forces you to verbally clarify what it is you want, and allows your ears to hear your mouth committing to a goal. It puts your quest more on display, and can give you more positive feedback from the people around you who hear about it.

So where do you announce your goal? Anywhere! Your facebook status is a great place to start... as are the comments of this blog! (Just sayin'.)

Resolutions to Results VII: Identifying Obstacles

2010-01-24T17:58:00.000-05:00

Identify Your Obstacles

So now that you are armed with this fabulously detailed and due-dated plan, what’s going to cock it all up? What’s going to get in your way and keep you from achieving this goal? (If your answer is “nothing,” you’re not trying hard enough.)

So, really: what stands between you and achieving your goal? Questions to ask yourself to uncover your obstacles are these:

Why haven’t you achieved this in the past?

What other goals have you attempted and quit? Do you want to approach this one the same way? If not, what will it take from you to do things differently this time?

What are you afraid of?

There are lots of things to be afraid of, but change isn't necessarily one of them. Are you worried that you'll have to work more, sleep less, sweat more? Are you afraid you'll have to give up your security blanket -- whatever that means to you? Be honest with yourself about what scares you so you are better equipped to face that fear instead of waiting to be sideswiped by it. And nobody's judging you on what scares you. This is between you and you, so be real.

What will change in your life if you succeed at this goal?

This question addresses both the WIIFM (which we talked about earlier) and the OGTSC (the Oh God, That's Scary Crap*) that is likely to come up as you make change. Really look into your future and see the stuff you WANT to change -- what else is likely to change as a side-effect?

What can I do to prepare myself for this?

Only you really know the answer for this. I know that I am challenged by feeling lonely late at night, and one of the things I do to compensate is to eat. So if my goal is to lose weight, I know I'm going to have to make a plan to handle the feelings of loneliness so that I don't throw myself off target by eating late at night. To address this, I could challenge myself to read 50 pages every night (which would be hard to do while foraging for snacks in the kitchen) or make a plan to call a different friend each weeknight to catch up. Your preparation will be different, but you'll know what to do!

Who doesn’t want you to change?

What are some of the “silent agreements” you have with people – those unspoken social contracts we make and get stuck to like library paste (the not-tasty kind). Are you the obedient daughter? The athletic son? The quiet roommate? The responsible husband? If you think you have no silent contracts, go back and look at your Roles and Responsibilities exercise. Which job do you have that interacts with another person? And would that person be happy if you were to change some of the responsibilities you had in that job? (I'm just sayin'...)

Tips for Handling Obstacles!
"Every successful man I have heard of has done the best he could with conditions as he found them, and not waited until the next year for better." – Edgar Watson Howe, publisher

Keep Anticipating Obstacles. Today you’re predicting what you think will get in the way, but as you make new progress, unforeseen obstacles can crop up. As you see them, write them down. Often just being aware of what’s in your way can help you to find creative ways around it. Look at both external and internal obstacles. Who are the people in your way? What are the circumstances blocking you? Do you have the tools you need to get the job done? What are the limiting beliefs you have that keep you from achieving your goal? Writing down obstacles takes them out of your head and puts them on paper, where it’s easier to be more objective about them.

What are the payoffs? What do you get by not reaching your goal? If you succeed, will you have to give up the fuzzy coziness your comfort zone? Will you have to work harder than you do now? Will you have to give up the image you have of yourself as a victim, and, as a result, give up the attention and sympathy that others give you? It’s human nature to want to stay “safe,” especially if it’s comfortable and secure. Forgive yourself for having been willing to hold onto the obstacles, and then let them go. Embrace change and be courageous!

Identify the moment it goes awry. If you have been diligently working towards your goal and then “slip,” identify the moment your thoughts turned from striving to settling. What specific thoughts did you think that allowed you to eat the sweets, spend the money, skip the audition? Have patience and gentleness with yourself on this one – this process takes time and energy, and often requires making more mistakes than you’d prefer. The benefit is that every “mistake” is a learning opportunity. There is no failure – only a chance to learn more and grow more.

Use traditionally “creative” techniques to open up your mind. Drawing, painting, sculpting, singing, writing… they can all contribute to deepening the vision you have of your goal. You can also use them to overcome obstacles – draw the things that are in your way, the things that you are afraid of, the people who aren’t helping, and then rip them up!

* not exactly a technical term, but close.

Resolutions to Results VI: Break it Down

2010-01-21T17:42:00.001-05:00

The next step in this process is to take your fabulous, wonderful, thrilling goal, and break it down into tasks and actions. (For this post, "tasks" are bigger, more broad accomplishments, and "actions" are the smaller steps that add up to tasks. I've chosen the words arbitrarily, and the only thing that distinguishes a task from an action is how much effort you think it will take. More effort = task, less effort = action.)

1. Brainstorm What’s Possible

Now that we know where we’re aiming, let’s map out how we’re going to get there. On a piece of paper, draw a box, and insert the Simple, Measurable, Active, Realistic, Timely, and Thrilling goal you generated in the last post. Underneath that box, write out a list of things that would be POSSIBLE to do to achieve that goal. As you write these things, remember that you're not creating a To Do list, you're simply generating a bunch of ideas.

As you brainstorm tasks on the path to your goal, keep the following questions in mind:

What can I change in my life?
What can I do more/less of?
What skills or tools can I acquire?
When will I spend time on this?
What other area in my life can I use to help me?
Who can I ask for help?
Where can I learn more about how to achieve my goal?

This is what your paper might look like, for example:
2. Set up a linear progression

With your list of possible tasks in front of you, go ahead and add numbers to them in the order that you would like to tackle them. (You'll notice this was already done in the example.) Be sure that they build on one another. For example, if one of your tasks is to run a mile, and another is to run in a 5k race, you’ll want to accomplish running a mile before running a 5k.

3. Break down tasks into actions

Then, once your list is in order, start by breaking down the first task into several actions. This process should repeat and repeat until you feel like you have a variety of actions that are of a manageable size.

To demonstrate this, the example (above) is continued below. This person's goal is to get a new job. The possible tasks are listed underneath the goal, and "Network" was designated task number 1, "Rework Resume" task number 2, and "Speak Publicly?" task number 3.

You'll notice that some of the tasks are broad, brush-stroke kind of tasks, like "LinkedIn" or "Alumni Network," and some of them are more specific, like "Networking Clubs – Ask Kirk, look online, ask John." If you trust yourself to follow through on a bigger, slightly vaguer action, then you can leave that action unexpanded. But if you have any doubt about your willingness or ability to get something like that done, expand it.

So what do you do if you have an action you want to perform but don’t know how to do it? Break that task down into “Ask for Help” and then expand that into a list of people you can contact for help!

You'll notice on the example, too, that dates have been added. In adding these due dates, you'll want to keep Being Realistic in mind. Can you really write 500 pages by the end of the month? Can you commit to attending 5 networking events a week? Be gentle enough with yourself to avoid burnout, but challenging enough so that the effort of reaching your goal changes your day-to-day energy.

Each task and action should have a deadline for it. That said, the deadline can be “by next Friday,” “by March 1st,” or “by the end of the year.” As those deadlines approach, you’ll revisit the list of tasks and subtasks and update the deadlines.

You may notice that as you’re adding tasks and due dates that lots of emotions come up for you. Resistance, anger, fear, frustration, or just general discomfort. That’s because you’re making change. Achieving this goal is something you’ve wanted for some time, or you wouldn’t be going after it now. Just know that your challenge to the status quo is going to bring up some of these feelings.

And that’s totally ok! In fact, it’s good! A friend of mine used to say “if it’s uncomfortable, that’s good, it’s growth.”

These feelings are part of what we’ll be working on in the next post, so be sure to come back!

Resolutions to Results V: Get SMARTY!

2010-01-15T11:35:00.000-05:00

So now that you've brainstormed some great ideas, you've prioritized those ideas, identified success, and visualized yourself achieving those goals, it’s time to get writing!

Writing out your goals makes it much more likely to achieve them. How much more likely? 900% (No, I'm kidding I made that up. I actually have no idea.) But from my personal experience, I can say that writing your goals down make them more real, more concrete, and therefore, more achievable.

(This doesn’t mean you can just write them and walk away, however!)

You've probably seen the goal-setting acronym "SMART" before. Lots of different people use these letters to mean lots of different things, and I think that, in general, any way you combine them they're right. The jist of all of them are the same.

However, I take SMART one step further, and encourage you to set goals for a SMARTY(pants), because it incorporates an element of goal setting that is missing from a lot of other approaches; the YES! factor.

Read on, dear reader, read on.

S: Keep it simple.
Your brain wants to remember as little as possible. Focus on the heart of what you want, and write it in the positive (not the negative -- like I'm doing here).

For example, if you want to stop biting your nails, phrase your goal as “I want to protect my nails from harm” or “I want to take care of my nails.” The reason I recommend this is that if you phrase a goal with a negative in it (quit smoking, stop overeating, stop dating losers), your brain remembers the positive – the smoking, the overeating, the dating losers. So give your brain a healthy, positive, SIMPLE thing on which to focus.

M: Make it Measurable
As we discussed in previous posts, if you can’t measure your success, you won’t know when you’ve achieved it. Avoid words like “more” and “better,” and instead focus on how much more? How much better?

A popular goal is to “get in shape.” What does that even mean? Walking a mile or running a marathon? Be specific! Giving yourself benchmarks to measure your progress will not only help you stay motivated, but it will make your goal setting more scientific and less ambiguous.

And ambiguous goals = kinda, sorta, maybe reachable ones.

A: Use Action Verbs
As good writers, actors, teachers, and others know, employing action verbs is critical. The same is true for writing goals. Using action verbs helps you create a goal that has movement behind it. So instead of setting a goal that is to “be more patient,” you can set one to “practice more patience.” It’s a subtle difference, but in those challenging moments, when you’re having a hard time sticking to your goals, having an action that you can perform (like “practice” instead of “be”) will help keep you on your path.

It may also open up other possibilities you haven’t considered. For example, if your goal is to “be in more shows,” if you rewrite it to “perform seven times this year,” that opens up the definition of “perform” and can help you see your goal in a new light.

If you have trouble coming up with action verbs, look here, here, or just google "action verbs."

R: Be Realistic (but challenging!)
"Realisitic" is not a synonym for "easy." Realistic, in this case, means actually doable, or attainable. You have the skills needed to do the work – or can develop them in the process. A realistic goal may push your abilities and knowledge, but it shouldn't break them.

A goal of never again eating sweets may not be realistic for someone who really enjoys candy. However, setting a goal of eating a piece of fruit each day instead of one chocolate is more realistic. You can then choose to work towards reducing the amount of candy gradually as and when this feels realistic for you.

Be sure to set goals that you can attain with some effort! Too difficult and you set the stage for the dreaded "failure," but too low sends your spirit the message that you aren't very capable. Set the bar high enough for a satisfying achievement!

T: Be Time-Bound
As we discussed while we were identifying success, set a timeframe for the goal: for next week, in three months, by your fortieth birthday. Putting an end point on your goal gives you a clear target to work towards, and helps you to break down the goal into chunks you can tackle one week, one month, and one year at a time.

If you don't set a deadline, the commitment is too vague and there's hardly any reason to start taking action now.

Also, be sure to give yourself enough time to reach the goal, but not so much time that you lose interest or motivation.

Y: Yes!! Thrill Yourself!
This is an element that is often left out of goal setting, and which is why you come to me! Be sure to pick a goal that excites, moves, and thrills you! I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – if what you are trying to achieve is meant to please someone other than yourself, that goal is destined for failure. Find with WIIFM in the goal! And phrase it in such a way that it resonates with you and serves your values.

For example, “Lose weight” can become “lose 50 pounds by December so you can wear your skinny jeans next Christmas.”

Once you've come up with some goal statements, be brave -- add them to my comments! It will be one way to announce your commitment, and to share what you've learned with other readers!

Resolutions to Results IV: Visualizing Success

2010-01-12T17:54:00.000-05:00

Visualizing Success

The power of visualization was tested in the early 1980s by Russian Olympic karate competitors. The coaches broke their athletes into four groups and gave them varying amounts of mental training (visualization) and physical training (workouts), and found that the groups who visualized the perfect execution of their karate moves actually fared better during competition than those who practiced them in the gym!*

So this speaks pretty powerfully to the value of visualization.

Go back to the previous post and take a few minutes to look over the answers you wrote to the questions about what the benefits are for you in achieving your goal. And one by one, try those benefits on, like items from your closet. See how they fit. And if you happen to hear a little voice inside your head saying things like "you can't have that" or "don't be ridiculous," thank that little voice, and tell it to sit on a peg.

Remind yourself, as you put on these benefits, that this is just an exercise. It's just practice, to see if these things feel good enough to motivate you to achieve your goal. And when you've got all these winning elements in place, look at yourself in the mirror, a proud doer of what it is you want to do. Can you see yourself in a place of success?

Grab a piece of paper and make some notes about this. What does it feel like to achieve your goals? Use juicy details – look, listen, taste, and smell what it will be like to reach your goals. Bring colors, sounds, music, flavors, and textures into your vision. But most importantly, feel it! Create a vision that makes you feel motivated, passionate and enthusiastic, and then revisit that as many times a day as you can.

How long should you spend visualizing your own success? As long as you want to. I recognize that we're all busy people, so I suggest starting with thirty seconds to a minute. Do it just after you've parked your car, or for the first 30 seconds on the subway train. Do it while you climb the stairs to your bedroom, or as you pee. Attach your visualization to something you do every day -- that way you'll remember to do it every day!

In the few minutes right before you go to sleep or right before you get out of bed your brain is more receptive to the messages you send it. So why not take half a minute while laying in that comfortable position… warm and cozy… to think about what you want? See yourself getting it. And look, if it doesn't get you to your goal, it will make waking less of a drag!

I have a coworker who is overweight. And he's lost over 150 pounds already, just by changing his diet (not even exercising). And part of what keeps him motivated is that when he looks in the mirror, he sees himself "looking buff." He imagines himself in a swimsuit, on the beach, with his kids proud to be around such a good looking guy. And EVERY time he looks at himself in a full body mirror, he does this.

Because it works.

So try it. Commit to it for a week and just see what happens. If it doesn't work for you, then at least you can cross it off your list of things to try having given it your best shot.

* See Karate of Okinawa: Building Warrior Spirit with Gan*Soku*Tanden*Riki by Robert Scaglione and William Cummins for more details.