how not to borrow trouble

One thing I've gotten good at in the last 37 years is borrowing trouble.  Making mountains out of molehills.  Playing the end of the act before the curtain even rises.  I look for every way something could go wrong, every way I could mess something up, and then obsess about it... until it actually happens.  Not because it was inevitable, but because I made it inevitable.

I'm a bit of a Girl Scout; I like to be prepared for every possible outcome.  In my purse at (almost) all times there are bandaids, Advil, Pepto Bismol, silverware, water, tampons, kleenex, even moleskin.  (You never know when a pesky blister is going to sprout!)  And there is something to be said for worrying -- it calms me down to look at all the way things could go wrong, and then to make contingency plans for those alternatives.  I'd rather have the bandaid and not need it than need it and not have it.

But that's only good up until a point.  There is a line where preparedness tips over into obsessiveness.  And I dance on that line like Philippe Petit between the towers.  

So what can you do if you're like me to make sure that your worrying hovers closer to self-soothing than obsessing?

1)  Be aware of your relationship to trouble

Know your tendencies.  And if you don't know your tendencies, observe yourself and ask your friends and family.  (I wouldn't phrase the question as "how obsessive do you think I am?" but rather, "can you think of a time my worrying was destructive rather than constructive?")  Watch your stress levels when you are worrying -- do they get better or worse?  And does worrying bring on more problems?  Ask yourself how your worrying is contributing to the continuation of your problems.  And then see what happens if you take a different tack.

2)  Make sure you can do something about what you're worrying about

There's a saying I love: "If you can do something about it, why worry?  And if you can't do something about it, why worry?"  This gets to the point -- do what you can about what you're worrying about and then let it go.  Accept that you can't plan for everything.  Allow yourself to make mistakes.  And if your worrying isn't leading to productive steps (like stocking your purse with bandaids or knowing an alternative route to get home from that party) drop it.

3)  Practice puppy training for the mind

Almost three years ago, my friend Rebecca wrote a guest post about puppy training for the mind, and it's an enormously valuable tool.  Don't let yourself get away with obsessing.  Make sure you're being productive and not just winding yourself up.

 

4) Shift from worrying to problem solving

At my old job, people would come to visit me and my fantastic office mate and complain about all their problems.  Then they'd leave, smogging up our office with their obsessions.  After a week or two of this, we told people they were welcome to visit, and even to talk about their problems, but after five minutes they had to shift from complaining to problem solving, or we would ask them to leave.  This is a great rule to have for yourself vis-a-vis worrying.  Set a timer and after the allotted amount of time, go back to step 3 and force yourself to drop it.

5) Allow yourself to make mistakes

Why do I carry bandaids?  Because if I need one, I don't want to spend $3.99 on a box to get just one.  But in the grand scheme of things, is $3.99 going to break me?  Absolutely not.  And is it worth not having to worry about having bandaids for $3.99?  Sure!  It's a perspective shift.  And if you allow yourself to make mistakes, realizing that some mistakes are more deadly than others, then you prepare only for the higher impact mistakes.

I told my team at work the other day that I know we're going to make mistakes, and that's ok.  I just don't want them to be the obvious ones.  I'm willing to stick a bandaid in my purse, but not an ace bandage.  

6)  Choose to roll with it

I recently got a call from my doctor's office telling me that a test I took required me to come back for another test.  Which sent me on a wild spiral of "what ifs," leading me directly to the big one, "what if I die?"  (Talk about playing the end of the act before the curtain rises!)  I talked to friends and family and calmed myself down with their help, and then decided to package up my worry until I could find out more information.  Since there was nothing I could do about it until my doctor called me back (which, for the record, she still has not done!) there was no point riling myself up about it.  It continues to be a choice I make every time the issue comes up; I have to remind myself I'm not going to worry about this right now.  

There's a great song by one of my favorite artists, Sean Hayes, that touches on this.  He says:

"You're always gonna find problems 

That's just the way things are
Now how you choose to deal with them
make problems what they are
make problems what you are"

So what do you do to keep from letting problems be what you are?

Tools for the new year

Now is as good a time as any to start preparing for next year.  To help you do that, I've organized a number of tools that I think you may find useful in pursuing what you want next year.

1.  Me
Lest we forget that I am more than just a blogger, I will remind you that I coach, I teach, and I help get people unstuck from wherever they're stuck.  I charge $75 a session (which, in this world, is a STEAL) and I've got a lot of happy clients, with always room for one more...

2.  Make it Happen Now! Workshop, January 12th and 27th
This is a course I offer every year at the start of the year.  It helps you identify what you want, figure out what stands in your way, make a plan to go after what you want, and develop accountability to make sure you stick with your plan.  It's $75 for four hours and past participants have repeated the course year after year.  Find out more about it here.

3.  Notes from the Universe
This is a great site that will send you messages every weekday morning to remind you how wonderful you are and how you fit into the bigger picture of the universe around you.  I use them as a springboard for my meditation and to reconnect me with my heart.  Here's a sample message:

The one thing all famous authors, world-class athletes, business tycoons,singers, actors, and celebrated achievers in any field have in common, Kate,is that they all began their journeys when they were none of these things.Yet still, they began their journeys.You are so poised for greatness,The Universe
One day, they're going to name something big after you, Kate!Like a statue, a college... or a hurricane.

You can sign up for them at here.

4.  Robert Holden's Shift Happens

I've learned a lot from Robert Holden and find him to be one of the warmest, sweetest, and friendliest thinkers out there.  I've signed up for his mailing list and, like the Universe, every weekday morning I get a motivating message from him.  For example:

Today is a good day for forgiveness. Mind you, forgiveness is not for everyone. It is only for those who would like to experience peace, love, joy, bliss, healing, freedom, total salvation and things like that.

You can sign up here , where you'll find lots of other great tools from Robert, too.

5.  Coach Alba

This is a tool from the people at Change Anything that can help you stay on track by receiving texts to help you get through what they call "Crucial Moments."  I imagine I might use it at night when I have a tendency to eat mindlessly -- just a quick text from Coach Alba to remind me to be mindful, and all of a sudden I'm brought back to myself.  At the moment, it's programmed to best work with people who want to lose weight, though I imagine they'll come up with other iterations of it.

You can find it here.

6.  StickK

This is a site I wrote about earlier that provides you with external motivation when your internal motivation starts to lag.  Essentially what you do is sign up for a challenge -- losing weight, getting a new job, working on your memoir, writing a new song, whatever -- and then wager with stickK that you will commit to taking action on that goal, or you'll have to pay money, either to a friend, a charity, or an "anti-charity" (a cause you hate).  I've used this technique with clients before with really great results, but you can try it for yourself online here.

7.  Avoiding Destination Addiction

Just watch this video:

8.  My Previous Posts on Goal Setting

Part I

Part II

Part III

Part III (part two)

Part IV

Part V

Part VI

Part VII

you're not a burden

Have you ever been so bored that you couldn't be bothered to do something to entertain yourself?  Well, the other day I had a similar situation -- I was so lonely that I couldn't stand to reach out to my friends, even though I knew they were just a phone call away.  I didn't want to be a burden.  I knew that I had nothing positive to offer them, just "blah" and "meh" and "waaaah."  And who would want that?

When I thought about it more, though, I realized that I would want that.  I would want my friends to reach out to me when they were sad or lonely or feeling empty.  And we could talk about it.  Or we could talk about nachos.  Or the crazy-assed hairdo I saw at the grocery store this weekend (seriously, it was epic).

Fittingly, not soon after I had that lonely spell, a great post came up on my friend's facebook page from a woman named Alyssa Royse.  I'm posting highlights below, but you can see the whole post here, and I recommend that you do.

She says:

When you allow someone to see you as fully human – good and bad, strong and weak, healthy and sick, brave and scared – you let them know that it’s okay for them to be fully human too. That lessens the burdens of fear and shame that hold us back. It shows us that we can be loved for our humanity rather than rejected and shunned for it.


Hoarding your humanity is a selfish act, when you realize the gift that it is for others.

She also says:

What’s worse, when you don’t let us in to the bad parts, you’re telling us that you didn’t think we could be trusted with them. And you make that knowledge the cause of your greater suffering. You let us increase your pain by not letting us share it. Is that really what you want to do? Tell us you don’t trust as and let us become something that increases your pain? I doubt it. I bet you hate that idea, so think of it that way. Because that’s what it is. We will second guess things that we could have, should have, would have done, if only you’d been honest.


You are not a burden. You are a human. You are a flawed and fabulous multi-faceted thing and when I say that I love you unconditionally, that means ALL OF IT.

So if you're feeling meh, or blah, or really want to talk about nachos, reach out and call someone.  Don't text, don't email, don't poke them on facebook.  Get old school.  Pick up the phone and have a voice-to-voice conversation.  See if it doesn't make things better.

I will.

holding the space

If I can say this without sounding too self-congratulatory, I will: people find it easy to talk to me. I guess I have one of those faces. They ask me for directions, guys admit things to me on dates that perhaps they shouldn't, and strays think I'm the cat's meow.

In the last few years I've gotten better at actually listening (instead of just waiting for my turn to talk), and I've developed a skill that has really surprised me -- my ability to hold the space for other people.

Now, "holding the space" is a really coachy phrase -- akin to "maximizing your potential" and, let's admit it "fully living" -- so what does it mean? It's the ability to be there with someone else who is experiencing emotions without feeling the need to shut them up, fix them, or get them to be anywhere but where they are right now. It's watching someone cry and waiting for her to ask for the box of tissues instead of passing it to her right away. It's opening your heart to the pain and suffering of someone else, trusting both yourself and the other person to make it through, to recover, to let this moment be what it is and also to let it pass.

I bring this up because I was at a workshop recently that really flexed this muscle, and it's one I don't think enough people are aware of, let alone "maximizing the potential" of.

What does it take to hold the space for someone else? Empathy. Support. Wanting to be there for someone else, to let him know that it hurts right now but it won't hurt forever. Trust. Faith. Acceptance. And it takes a real vulnerability. The emotional flexibility to dig deep, connect with your own strength and your own pain, and just breathe.

The next time you're with someone who's hurting, try this: just sit with him or her. Hug him so he knows you've got him, but not so that he feels he has to stop crying. Absorb just a little of the pain so it's not so intense for her. Rain blessings down on the both of you to make life just a little easier after this moment. And trust that, when the time comes, he or she will be there for you. And see what's different.

Marathon Project Q&A

1. Do I have to be a runner to participate?

Absolutely not! I am offering coaching to anyone on any topic. The reason this is called the “Marathon Project” is because I just want to reach the goal of coaching for 26.2 hours before 11/6 and whatever you donate goes to help to support a marathon runner.

2. What exactly is life coaching?

It’s easier to understand once you’ve experienced it, but in general, life coaching is a partnership between a coach and a client where both work together to achieve success. That can be getting the client unstuck in a current situation, setting and reaching goals, taking on new challenges, or just finding new ways to look at the world. It’s easy in life to go on auto-pilot, and working with a coach can help you see where the choices you’re making are keeping you from reaching your dreams. It’s all about asking the right questions and helping you to find the answers inside yourself.

3. Isn’t that like therapy?

Not really. Anyone can benefit from coaching, even if you don’t think there is anything “wrong” with your life. Therapy tends to look backwards and come to some understanding about what happened to you in your formative years. Coaching accepts that your past is your past and encourages you to look at what you want to do about it going forward.

4. What kinds of things can you coach about?

What we work on together really depends on what’s going on in your life. We can look at a variety of things, not the least of which include:

• Relationships
• Stress Management/Balance
• Personal Growth/Self-Care
• Career
• Time Management/Organization
• Creativity/Self-Expression
• Money
• Health

5. How does it work?

Once you schedule an hour-long phone session, you’ll identify what you want to work on. This could be something you’re struggling with – like weight, or relationships – or something that’s already going well but could be taken to the next level – like health, creativity, or career.

At the appointed time, you’ll call me. After setting up a few ground rules about how you’ll work together, you’ll explain the situation, and I will start to ask you questions about it. Where it goes from there all depends on the information that you share and your willingness to explore different options.

At the end of the call, you’ll tell me how much you are going to donate to Matt’s campaign for the American Cancer Society. The regular value of my sessions is $75/hr, but my minimum suggested donation for this project is $26 (in honor of the 26.2 miles that Matt will be running).

Then you’ll make that donation.

6. Why should I try it?

There’s absolutely no risk, so why shouldn’t you try it? You’ll get to experience coaching at steeply discounted rates, your donation to the American Cancer Society will be tax-deductible, and you’ll come out of the session with a new perspective on your situation. What is there to lose?!

(See more here.)

help from one of my favorite podcasts

Think about the last time you didn't get something that you wanted. When you look back at what got in your way, what was it?

Most of the time, when we're truly honest, the answer to that question is "me." (And I don't mean me, Kate Sandberg. I mean "me," you.)

Radiolab, one of my favorite podcasts that blends science with humanity and storytelling, has done an episode on some of the things you can do when your biggest obstacle is yourself.

(My favorite part is at the beginning, when Elizabeth Gilbert talks about how Tom Waits talks to his muse. Because picturing what she describes is so delightful...)

ooooh, what a little persistence will doooooo....

So here's a little story about Sticking With It (Even Though You Think It's Going To Fail).

I was recently doing some research into graduate psychology programs and discovered that most of them require some form of undergraduate statistics. Now, I haven't studied stats since high school, so if I were interested in pursuing a masters in psychology (which I'm not sure I am, but stick with me on this) I'd have to go back to college and take undergrad statistics.

Ok, fine. Then I got to thinking about application deadlines and stuff. If, I told myself, I want to be able to consider grad school in the winter of 2011, I'd have to take stats... this summer! Otherwise, I'll have to take stats in the fall and apply in the spring for a fall of 2011 admission.

So I dragged my heels a bit, thinking:

• commencement just happened
• the summer session can't be starting just yet
• I probably have a week or two to get it together
• I'm not really sure I want to go to grad school anyway
• I'll look into it later
• etc.

After inspirational conversations with my coach and my mother, however, I decided I would just start investigating it now, just in case.

And when I called the registrar's office at Hunter, I discovered that the application deadline was... TOMORROW.

(This is where the persistence part kicks in.)

The registrar needs a copy of my transcript. (I haven't seen my transcript for 12 years.) I know there's a copy of it in my files at my parents' house so I call home to see if Dad can locate it in the attic. Twenty minutes of looking later, he can't, and I'm ready to give up.

"Kate, I'll go to New Haven to pick up a new copy for you, if you need me to."

Hope comes back. I call Yale for a transcript and they say that I should place the order, but they can't guarantee that it'll be ready by tomorrow. Hope fades again.

"Kate, you're willing to pay Hunter money, they'll probably find a way to accept it."

Hope comes back. I call them and find out the procedure -- they need a filled-out application, registration fee, and transcript before 3pm the next day. Hope fades. Until... I discover on their website that they'll accept a copy of my diploma. Which I know my mother can locate for me!

Hope returns, and I try to register for class and can't. Hope departs.

"Try going to the Registrar's office."

Hope returns, and I can register, but only with permission of the math department, who wants proof that I've taken math before -- and might require me to take a placement test. Hope skedaddles faster than a bug on fire.

But I persist, hope clinging to the edge of me like I'm a canyon. The math department? All they want is for me to tell them my AB Calc grade from nineteen mumbledy mumble.

This back and forth goes on and on, with hurdles and hoops and obstacles at every step of the way, and hope coming and going like junkies on a seesaw. Truth is, if it weren't for the moral support of my parents and my coach, I'd have quit before I even started.

My point in all of this is that it worked out in the end. The obstacles that seemed so looming and permanent were actually made of sawdust -- but I didn't know that until I blew on them. It took grit, a couple of lunch hours, asking for help from people I knew I could count on, and the willingness to persist in the face of adversity.

Needless to say, I'm 1/6 of the way through the course already. What are the odds of that?

identifying and changing habits

A recent article published in the Wall Street Journal talks about a study done to see what effect having "social support" has on peoples' willingness to get exercise.

"The study, conducted by Stanford University, belongs to a growing body of research showing that small amounts of social support, ranging from friends who encourage each other by email to occasional meetings with a fitness counselor, can produce large and lasting gains against one of America's biggest health problems—physical inactivity. Only 48% of Americans say they meet the federal recommendation for exercising half an hour most days of the week, and the actual percentage is believed to be much lower. Exercise researchers estimate that nearly all sedentary people at one time or another have resolved and failed to maintain exercise programs."

The story goes on to talk about how having accountability for her behavior led one woman to start an exercise program that, over time, just became a habit. And the results of the study showed that everyone who participated -- whether they had regular reminders or not -- was working out more often. However, those who were receiving calls from a live person had the longest-term success, almost doubling the time they spent exercising. "When you knew you were going to have to report back on what you had done, it motivated you," said one participant.

And this motivation is part of what coaching is all about. Creating a relationship that deepens accountability and responsibility. Working together to support you in your desire to change a habit -- something that you may not even be able to identify as a "habit" at the moment, especially if it just feels like "just the way things are" (or, more trickily, "just the way I am").

So, short of dropping me an email and signing up for a free sample session, what can you do? Well, there's a website called Habit Forge that will let you sign up for daily accountability emails. You simply tell the site what you want to achieve, check your email every day, answer the question "were you successful at achieving your goal?" and, if you answer YES for 21 days in a row, you go into "Monitoring Mode." A pretty painless way to give it a shot, no?

And it's free, so why not check it out? (And hey! A sample session is also free...)

a handful of inspirational quotes

"I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something. And because I cannot do everything I will not refuse to do the something that I can do." -- Helen Keller

"Be yourself. Everyone else is taken." -- Oscar Wilde

"Half of the troubles of this life can be traced to saying yes too quickly and not saying no soon enough." -- Josh Billings

"The thing always happens that you really believe in; and the belief in a thing makes it happen." -- Frank Loyd Wright

"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there" -- Will Rogers

"Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness, concerning all acts of initiative (and creation). There is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforseen incidents and meetings and material assistance which no man could have dreamed would have come his way..." – Goethe

"It is not in doing what you like, but in liking what you do that is the secret of happiness." -- J.M. Barrie

"So many of our dreams at first seem impossible, then they seem improbable, and then, when we summon the will, they soon become inevitable." -- Christopher Reeve

And my favorites:
"The future has several names. For the weak, it is the impossible. For the fainthearted, it is the unknown. For the thoughtful and valiant, it is the ideal." -- Victor Hugo

("And for Michael J. Fox," said my office mate Fernando, "it's the thing you have to go back to.")

don't give up!

I know I've written a lot lately about goals, and reaching for what you want, and all that good stuff, so I thought I'd share with you part of an article on motivation that I got from another savvy coach, Nancy Fox. (Visit her at www.thebusinessfox.com) The whole article is more in-depth, but the part that resonated most with me broke down the stages of decision-making:

1. "Action/Decision - you take some new action or make a decision
2. Relief/Excitement - this provides relief or excitement - You look forward to the new.
3. Doubt - the relief or excitement is short-lived. Doubt for your decision or about your action sets in.
4. Fear/Overwhelm - Doubt is immediately followed by fear or a feeling of being overwhelmed.
5. Remorse/Regret - You begin to regret your choice or action. (This is what is commonly known as "buyers remorse.")
6. Projecting Blame - You immediately start seeking who you might blame for the feeling of remorse. You see it as a force outside of yourself. Ex. Your partner was a bad guy anyway, your boss never told you what he/she really expected, etc.
7. Seeking Shelter/Safety - Here's where you want to pull back or go back to old familiar ways. Ex. You want to stay in your current job vs. making a change to one with greater potential.
8. Relief - You feel a short-lived sense of relief.
9. Lowered self-esteem - Right below relief is an experience of lowered self-esteem because you have not made a decision from a powerful stance but from a fearful one."

I love the way this breaks down because I can see myself in every one of those steps. (I've gotten a lot better about #6, though!) I've definitely made decisions, gotten excited, doubted, gotten scared, and started to change my mind. For me, the "seeking shelter/safety" is extra powerful, because it leads to that blessed, almost instantaneous relief of not having to do anything.

However...

When the change is important to me, I build in safeguards to ward off steps 5, 6, and 7, and therefore avoid steps 8 and 9 all together.

Nancy's suggestions for safeguards are the following:

1. "Accepting Full Responsibility - for your situation and for your results. No excuses. Gives you a huge sense of power.
2. Adopting A Can Do Mindset - Listen to your language. Are you telling yourself it can be done, or it can't? Either way you'll be right. Your choice.
3. Trusting - In yourself and your ability to generate the right results.
4. Seeking Support - Hang around with supportive people, hang with the winners.
5. Positive People, Positive Life - self explanatory.
6. Daily Consistent Actions - Put the right structures, right routines in place and adhere to them as if they are the law - your law.
7. Focus on your WHY - By focusing on your real purpose, why you took the action, you will be motivated to stick to it."

I think these suggestions are spot on, and will affect different people in different ways. For example, #4 is crucial for me -- I'm a talker. And I can talk myself out of fear just as easily as I can talk myself into it. So combining supportive people with consistent, daily actions, often helps me overcome my fear in a plow-ahead-like-a-freight-train kind of way. Sure, it's scary, but if I do #7 and ramp up #3 (possibly via #2 and #1), I can make it through.

From Resolutions to Results VIII: Get Support

Now that you've got a Simple, Measurable, Active, Realistic, Timely, and Thrilling goal with due dates assigned, you've got to get going! However, trying to do it alone can be incredibly difficult.

Finding mentors and accountability partners will increase your success rate dramatically. But who do you ask? Your mom? Your husband? Maybe, maybe not. Look at your list of roles and responsibilities from the first post: which relationships on that list would benefit most from you achieving your goal? Who in your life is already achieving your goal at the level at which you’d like to achieve it?

I really recommend accountability partnerships for achieving goals. While it’s tempting to ask those closest to you to be your accountability partners, that could be a trap. Whether we like it or not, there are rules in the relationships we’ve already established. If you’re the fat sister, using your (skinny) sister as your accountability partner for losing weight might backfire.

Instead, setting up a clearly negotiated partnership with someone you don't know quite as well could serve your goal better. With those people, you can explicitly design your relationship and your interactions. You can agree “I will email you about my successes three times a week and no more.” A friend might be confused by this, or feel used, but an accountability partner will reap the same benefits by sharing with you in a similar fashion. Take a few minutes to identify people in your life who can serve you as accountability partners, and then start asking around!

Announcing your goal to others is important, too, and has lots of benefits – it forces you to verbally clarify what it is you want, and allows your ears to hear your mouth committing to a goal. It puts your quest more on display, and can give you more positive feedback from the people around you who hear about it.

So where do you announce your goal? Anywhere! Your facebook status is a great place to start... as are the comments of this blog! (Just sayin'.)

Resolutions to Results IV: Visualizing Success

Visualizing Success

The power of visualization was tested in the early 1980s by Russian Olympic karate competitors. The coaches broke their athletes into four groups and gave them varying amounts of mental training (visualization) and physical training (workouts), and found that the groups who visualized the perfect execution of their karate moves actually fared better during competition than those who practiced them in the gym!*

So this speaks pretty powerfully to the value of visualization.

Go back to the previous post and take a few minutes to look over the answers you wrote to the questions about what the benefits are for you in achieving your goal. And one by one, try those benefits on, like items from your closet. See how they fit. And if you happen to hear a little voice inside your head saying things like "you can't have that" or "don't be ridiculous," thank that little voice, and tell it to sit on a peg.

Remind yourself, as you put on these benefits, that this is just an exercise. It's just practice, to see if these things feel good enough to motivate you to achieve your goal. And when you've got all these winning elements in place, look at yourself in the mirror, a proud doer of what it is you want to do. Can you see yourself in a place of success?

Grab a piece of paper and make some notes about this. What does it feel like to achieve your goals? Use juicy details – look, listen, taste, and smell what it will be like to reach your goals. Bring colors, sounds, music, flavors, and textures into your vision. But most importantly, feel it! Create a vision that makes you feel motivated, passionate and enthusiastic, and then revisit that as many times a day as you can.

How long should you spend visualizing your own success? As long as you want to. I recognize that we're all busy people, so I suggest starting with thirty seconds to a minute. Do it just after you've parked your car, or for the first 30 seconds on the subway train. Do it while you climb the stairs to your bedroom, or as you pee. Attach your visualization to something you do every day -- that way you'll remember to do it every day!

In the few minutes right before you go to sleep or right before you get out of bed your brain is more receptive to the messages you send it. So why not take half a minute while laying in that comfortable position… warm and cozy… to think about what you want? See yourself getting it. And look, if it doesn't get you to your goal, it will make waking less of a drag!

I have a coworker who is overweight. And he's lost over 150 pounds already, just by changing his diet (not even exercising). And part of what keeps him motivated is that when he looks in the mirror, he sees himself "looking buff." He imagines himself in a swimsuit, on the beach, with his kids proud to be around such a good looking guy. And EVERY time he looks at himself in a full body mirror, he does this.

Because it works.

So try it. Commit to it for a week and just see what happens. If it doesn't work for you, then at least you can cross it off your list of things to try having given it your best shot.

* See Karate of Okinawa: Building Warrior Spirit with Gan*Soku*Tanden*Riki by Robert Scaglione and William Cummins for more details.

frighteningly good words to live by

Dear Valerie Bertinelli and Mackenzie Phillips,

Did you ever listen to the lyrics of your show's theme song? I didn't, not really. I mean, I heard them, I could hum along, and I knew there was stuff about One Day at a Time in there, but it wasn't until recently that I actually sat down and paid attention. (Please don't ask me why.)

"This is it; this is it.
This is life, the one you get,
so go and have a ball!
This is it; this is it,
straight ahead, and rest assured,
you can't be sure at all.
So, while you're here, enjoy the view;
keep on doing what you do.
Hold on tight; we'll muddle through,
one day at a time, one day at a time!
So, up on your feet; up on your feet;
somewhere there's music playing.
Don't you worry none,
just take it like it comes,
one day at a time, one day at a time!"

The show had bad hair, bad clothes, bad comedy, and bad repercussions for the stars afterwards, but I've got to say, all in all? Not bad lyrics.

tiny beans

I got this string of text messages from an amazing man* the other day:

"You know, it's only 18 miles from O'Hare to Union Station... and I have my running gear... for a fraction of a second it passed my mind..."

"additional sidenote, I know 18 miles seems huge to regular folk which is why it's so cool and heartwarming to know it really IS small beans for me."

and then

"I hope you can recognize those parts of your life where you can have pride in your own tiny beans."

And (after recovering from my swoon, because, seriously, how cute is this guy?**) I actually thought about it for a while. What spectacular things do I do that I take for granted as just "something I do"? What skills/hobbies/habits/knowledge do I possess that make me better for just being me?

And, more importantly, when do I take the time to celebrate them?

Celebrating ourselves is something very few of us are taught to do. Rather, we are taught that it's "bragging," it's "a sin," it's "rude," it's "unprofessional," etc., etc., etc. In my book, however, celebrating your own successes can be very motivating and inspirational for the people around you. When you take pride in yourself, you light up a room. When you accept the compliment someone takes the time to give you, you're acknowledging that person's effort at connecting with you.

So the next time you do that special thing you do, take a moment to really celebrate yourself. You never know... someone else may also like your tiny beans!


*ok, ok, I'm biased. This "amazing man" happens to be my boyfriend.

** see above

how can I help you?

Has this ever happened to you: the phone rings and it's your friend, crying her eyes out over a guy. And you want to help, but you don't know what to say. Or maybe it's your boyfriend and his boss is doing that thing again that he just hates. Is it better to listen? Or should you chime in?

Lately, one of my best friends has been very depressed. And I don't mean just bummed out or "down," I mean depressed. Lots of crying, lots of tough issues causing her unbearable amounts of pain. And when she calls, I don't even worry about what to say. I'm not stressed out. Eight years ago, though, she was in a similar depression (albeit one less severe and with fewer mitigating circumstances), and at the time, it completely overwhelmed me. She would call, upset, and I wouldn't know what to say or do, and it would make me feel guilty, angry, frustrated, and, really, like a bad friend.


Since then, I've learned five very important words that have saved my sanity (and, arguably, my friendship): how can I help you? Because I want to help, she wants me to help, and yet, trying to read her mind to figure out how to help, and then come up with exactly the right thing to do is exhausting. (I imagine it's like teaching a pig to sing.)

By asking her how I can help, it not only takes the pressure off of me to make things better (or rather, takes the imaginary pressure off of me, since she's not actually doing anything but calling me) but, more importantly, it puts the responsibility for feeling better squarely on her. She has to identify what it is that would make her feel better and then accept it from me when I offer it.

This has worked enormously well for us. And I find I can carry it over into business, too. When my boss comes in with a complaint about so-and-so or a co-worker just can't stand her neighbor, I ask, "how can I help?" (or alternately, "what are you going to do about it?") Because complaining and whining, while it sometime feels good, doesn't solve anything.

"How can I help" shows others that you care about them without bulldozing them with advice they didn't ask for. It keeps you from having to guess what's broken and how best to fix it. And it cuts to the heart of the issue -- getting someone the support he or she needs, without any of our extra crap that they don't need.