Friday, August 8, 2008

a theory on dating serially

Yesterday a friend of mine asked herself this (by asking me): do I take a break from boys for a little while and just clear my mind? Or do I start dating and do it right -- not just date one boy or put all my eggs in one basket?

I learned a lot while serially dating (by which I mean ending one relationship and then instantaneously starting another), but the key theory that I developed (after stopping) was that wherever my first relationship was at when it ended (my last serious was about a 8.5 out of 10, on a completely random and self-generated scale), my next relationship STARTED somewhere pretty close by. (The following guy and I started at about a 6.5 or 7.) That really didn't work for me, because we hadn't earned that intimacy. It wasn't until I had taken some time completely alone (I did six weeks) that my internal intimacy-meter reset to zero.

And now I operate at a fairly consistent zero. It's made it easier for me to really reassess, and to be On My Own. It's taken me out of "we" mode and back into "me" mode. Zero has allowed me space to tackle some other demons, instead of always being focused on boys boys boys and what was going wrong (or right).

It took a lot of effort, a lot of nights at Lisa's house, a lot of girls' nights out (to non-guyish events) and even some turning down of dates until my sabbatical was over.

And it was totally worth it. But that was my experience. Since I know my friend and I are pretty similar (at least in this regard), I recommended it to her. And if it's not what she needs/wants or it doesn't help, it's only six weeks. And if she doesn't do it, it's no skin off my nose. All I really care is that she's asking the questions.

I try to look at being single this way -- today might be my only chance to be completely single. The next guy I meet could be Mr. Right, and then what? I might have to stop sleeping diagonally.