book review: Manifesting Change by Mike Dooley

I’m a subscriber to Notes from the Universe (which, if you aren’t, you should be and can sign up here) and the notes are always these wonderfully peaceful and inspirational thoughts. So I wanted to read more from Mike Dooley, the man who writes them.

I also want to shift some things in my life right now, and I’m open to all kinds of methods. I’ve tried coaching, I’ve tried therapy, I’ve tried working my butt off, I’ve tried crowdsourcing… and while each method has brought more into my life and helped me along the way, I’m always fascinated by a new way of looking at things. So I picked up Manifesting Change: It Couldn't Be Easier. (Appealing title, no?)

At the heart of the book are these instructions:
1. Identify your end destination
2. Move in that direction
3. Let the universe figure out the rest for you.


Like he said, it can’t be easier.

There are, however, a few things you should be aware of as you embark down the manifesting path. First, you want to identify your end destination in vague but specific terms. “I am blissfully happy in a relationship with a man” instead of “I am blissfully happy in a relationship with Fred.” “I have the job of my dreams that brings me wealth and meaningful work” instead of “I have the VP of Sales position at JPMorgan that makes me $1 million a year.” The argument here is that the more you narrow down the options for what will make you happy, the harder the universe is going to have to work to put all the right pieces together to make it happen.

Second, you must move in the direction of your joy. It’s not enough to identify your end result and visualize 24 hours a day and never get off the couch. If you’re looking for a job, you must visualize, identify how you want to feel in your job, and maybe some specifics around how much you want to make or how meaningful your contribution is, and then you must go out there and, as Dooley calls it, “knock on some doors.”

[Sidenote: a friend once told me about how she had completely given up on dating and her mother told her that she can’t just give up. That love “doesn’t just walk up to your door and knock.” The next day, the refrigerator repair man walked up and knocked on the door and they’ve been married for 10 years. It’s probably easier, however, to be out in the world of people if you want to meet your soulmate.]

And then the third part is the most challenging part for me – step back, and let the universe drive for you. The more I read this book, the more I realized how much of a control freak I am, always trying to control when I’m dating, what kind of work I do, how much of an impact I have on the world around me. So I’m practicing letting go and, in the proverbial 12 step language, letting god. I’ve turned it over to the universe, so watch out! I’ll probably be married before the R train goes back through the tunnel!

book review -- Decisive by Chip and Dan Heath

Making decisions – good decisions – is challenging, especially when the stakes are high. Chip and Dan Heath have put together a book that really helps to make the process easier and more likely to produce good results.

Their acronym, WRAP, reminds us of facets of good decision making that often go overlooked.

W: Widen your options
Our thinking is incredibly limited when making an “either-or” decision – do I stay in this relationship or not? Do I take the promotion or not? One of the ways in which to widen your options (and ensure better decision making) is to include at least a third option. The best way to generate that third option is to imagine that your original two options are impossible. (“Ok, so I can’t stay in this relationship, and I can’t get out of it, either. What are my other options?”) This causes us to be creative and not to get stuck in our preconceived, binary notions.

Another idea that helps to widen your options is to find someone else who has already solved your problem. If you’re trying to decide whether or not to go to the Grand Canyon, find someone else who has gone there. (Like me!)

A third point the authors make in this first section is that we approach problems with a “promotion” or “prevention” mindset. The promotion mindset is all about solving problems and seeking positive outcomes, whereas the prevention mindset is all about keeping bad things from happening. Promotion is more freeing, more creative. Prevention is more fear-based, more restrictive. When facing a difficult decision, try to look at it from both angles instead of just one or the other.

R: Reality Test Your Assumptions
Once you’ve got more options (thanks, step one!), it’s worth taking a look at them from some different angles. Zoom in – see what the details of what life with that promotion would look like on a day-to-day basis. And zoom out – get an overview of what would be different if you stayed in that relationship from a big picture perspective.

Another idea the Heaths throw out there is to deliberately make a “mistake.” I do this a lot, especially in dating – going into a situation that I know could be a flop, just to see what happens. 90% of the time, it’s a flop. But every now and then I surprise myself.

And a third idea from this section is one they call “ooching.” It’s kind of a cross between an inch and a scootch, and basically means trying something out in a little way before applying it in a big way. Ooch before you leap. This could mean volunteering or interning in the field you’re considering changing to before getting a graduate degree in it. (I hear this happens a lot with law school. People like the idea of being a lawyer a lot more than the actual practice of it. Working at a law firm can show you what you’re getting yourself into before you acquire years of debt to pay off.)

A: Attain Distance Before Deciding
Short-term emotion is a powerful thing. We see it often in relationships – more easily, however, in others’ than in our own. A friend of mine met a woman a while ago who, when they first met, was The Perfect Woman. She was funny, smart, and could do no wrong. A few months in, however, he found out she was an alcoholic and a cold hearted bitch. So… finding a way to get some distance from the powerful emotion of the moment is very helpful in making effective decisions.

The same holds true for new jobs. The Heaths tell a story about a woman who had a terrific job interview that would create all kinds of wonderful opportunities for her and scratch all the itches her current job was creating. However, after attaining some distance, this woman was able to see that the new job wasn't going to solve all her problems, and would, in fact, create some new ones that were potentially worse than her current ones. How did she decide? She went back to her core values.

Core values are something I talk about a lot with my clients, and I’m glad to see them reflected in a book about decision-making.

A key point the authors make in this section is that we are generally better at giving advice to others than we are at giving it to ourselves, for a variety of reasons (most of which are due to our own biases). If you’re in an emotionally-charged decision spot, a great question to ask yourself is “what would I tell a friend to do now?” Usually that’s pretty good advice.

P: Prepare to be Wrong
One problem most decision-makers face is overconfidence. We don’t expect our decisions to turn out badly, and so once we make a decision, we turn on autopilot and just cruise along. The Heaths recommend creating a tripwire – a condition that will alert us to the failure (or potential failure) of our decision. The example they give in the book is excellent – it’s about David Lee Roth’s insistence on having no brown m&ms backstage.

Back in the day, Van Halen traveled with a lot of equipment and had very complex setups. So they sent ahead a list of things that needed to be done in each venue to make sure that the show would be adequately set up and safe. Buried deep in the middle of that list was a specification that there be no brown m&ms in the dressing room. If David Lee Roth walked into the dressing room and saw brown m&ms, he knew that the venue had not carefully read the list of safety protocols and that the safety team would have to do a thorough walk-through. If there were no brown m&ms, that review could be more cursory. The m&ms became their tripwire.

If you’re facing a decision, what would be your tripwire? If you take that new job in hopes that it will allow you more time with your family, maybe hitting 70 hours a week at work is your tripwire. Identifying it in advance will allow you to go into autopilot without going too far down the wrong road.


There are a ton of great stories in this book, and really useful, directly applicable advice. It’s written in a fun, chatty tone, and has a decent sense of humor for a book about decision-making.

From the book: “Being decisive is itself a choice. Decisiveness is a way of behaving, not an inherited trait. It allows us to make brave and confident choices, not because we know we’ll be right, but because it’s better to try and fail than to delay and regret. Our decisions will never be perfect, but they can be better. Bolder. Wiser. The right process can steer us toward the right choice.”

You can read more about the book here, and register on their website to get all kinds of helpful resources, like a book group study guide or a copy of the first chapter (so you can ooch your way into it).

no regrets. (or, well, ok, at least not as many regrets)

Regret. It’s a big, heavy thing that I (like many, if not most people) try to avoid at all costs. I work hard to make sure I live a life I can be proud of and, barring that, that I learn from all my choices, good or bad. And to me, those are two key ingredients to the general lack of regret in my life.

Now, am I saying I have no regrets in my perfectly perfect life? Absolutely not. There are things I wish I hadn’t said, frogs I wish I hadn’t kissed, princes I wish I hadn’t let go, jars of peanut butter I wish I hadn’t eaten, and all sorts of things that, given the opportunity to go back and do it over again (knowing then, of course, what I know now) I’d absolutely do differently. But that doesn’t mean I regret having done them.

As an obvious example, I spent almost a decade of my life pursuing a job as a professional actor. It has had consequences – I’m still behind the eight ball as far as my career and compensation go. But what I learned in that decade, especially as it regards rejection, is invaluable. The benefits of that choice, for the most part, outweigh the costs.

So my guiding principles are: first, aim to live a mindful, well-considered life. Time and energy are precious, so I don’t want to fling them away on nothing. Then second, learn from my choices. What do they mean for me going forward? What will I do differently? How will I change and grow? If I can do this 80% of the time, I’m golden.

However, there are people who have thought about this far more than I have. Martha Beck, a popular and incredible life coach, is one of them. Her advice for “regret-proofing” your life is this:

1. Get past denial. Denial is thinking “this shouldn’t have happened” or “if only…” This only serves to make you more miserable.

2. Separate the feelings. Regret is usually a combo of anger and sadness and if you can articulate what’s making you sad and what’s making you angry, you can let go of them faster.

3. Grieve what’s lost. Take the time to let go of the sadness.

4. Identify and seek out what you were hoping to get. What has regret forced you to give up? And how can you get that back into your life?

5. Analyze your anger. Listen to it for instructions. Talk it out or write it out.

6. Learn to lean towards love. When we make choices based on love, they are harder to regret. At your next choice point, make the decision that is most loving.

You can read her whole article here. I’m betting you won’t regret it.

some interesting research on goals

I saw a compelling article the other day about goal setting that I thought I would share with you. It's from a website called Leadership IQ that has great work- and management-related posts and webinars on a regular basis. But this one caught my eye.

Leadership IQ asked around 5,000 people about their goals, focusing on the differences between how men and women approach their goals.

Here are four of the study’s key findings:

Gender Study Finding #1: Women care about their goals more than men: Because women are more emotionally connected to their goals than men, they’re more likely to stick to their goals when the going gets tough.

Gender Study Finding #2: Men visualize their goals better than women: Like the visualization used by elite athletes, men more clearly picture their goals than women. This gives them greater direction and focus.

Gender Study Finding #3: Women are more likely to procrastinate than men: Women feel less urgency to achieve their goals than men. This results in procrastination, and potentially, goal failure.

Gender Study Finding #4: Women set tougher goals than men: Women are more likely to leave their comfort zones and set challenging (and even scary) goals. This leads to both greater achievement and fulfillment.

Interested in more? Read the rest of the article here.

you're not a burden

Have you ever been so bored that you couldn't be bothered to do something to entertain yourself?  Well, the other day I had a similar situation -- I was so lonely that I couldn't stand to reach out to my friends, even though I knew they were just a phone call away.  I didn't want to be a burden.  I knew that I had nothing positive to offer them, just "blah" and "meh" and "waaaah."  And who would want that?

When I thought about it more, though, I realized that I would want that.  I would want my friends to reach out to me when they were sad or lonely or feeling empty.  And we could talk about it.  Or we could talk about nachos.  Or the crazy-assed hairdo I saw at the grocery store this weekend (seriously, it was epic).

Fittingly, not soon after I had that lonely spell, a great post came up on my friend's facebook page from a woman named Alyssa Royse.  I'm posting highlights below, but you can see the whole post here, and I recommend that you do.

She says:

When you allow someone to see you as fully human – good and bad, strong and weak, healthy and sick, brave and scared – you let them know that it’s okay for them to be fully human too. That lessens the burdens of fear and shame that hold us back. It shows us that we can be loved for our humanity rather than rejected and shunned for it.


Hoarding your humanity is a selfish act, when you realize the gift that it is for others.

She also says:

What’s worse, when you don’t let us in to the bad parts, you’re telling us that you didn’t think we could be trusted with them. And you make that knowledge the cause of your greater suffering. You let us increase your pain by not letting us share it. Is that really what you want to do? Tell us you don’t trust as and let us become something that increases your pain? I doubt it. I bet you hate that idea, so think of it that way. Because that’s what it is. We will second guess things that we could have, should have, would have done, if only you’d been honest.


You are not a burden. You are a human. You are a flawed and fabulous multi-faceted thing and when I say that I love you unconditionally, that means ALL OF IT.

So if you're feeling meh, or blah, or really want to talk about nachos, reach out and call someone.  Don't text, don't email, don't poke them on facebook.  Get old school.  Pick up the phone and have a voice-to-voice conversation.  See if it doesn't make things better.

I will.

what I learned from Stephen Covey

Stephen Covey, one of the founding members of Franklin Covey (the time management people), a motivational speaker, and the author of The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People (among others) died yesterday.  He innovated the field of leadership studies and contributed a huge handful of powerful principles that have inspired leaders for generations.  There are thousands of lessons I could quote from him, but what has stuck with me most continuously is this:

"The key is not to prioritize what's on your schedule, but to schedule your priorities."

To demonstrate this, imagine that you have two bowls of exactly the same size that represent your life.  One is full of rocks, and the other is mostly full of sand.  The rocks are your major priorities -- family, friends, exercise, client work, etc.  The grains of sand are all the little things you do that add up over the course of the day -- emails, errands, laundry, dishes, diapers, TV, etc.  Your task is to combine the rocks and the sand into one container, to make sure you're getting everything you want out of life.  However, if you put the sand in first, the rocks won't fit.  You have to put the rocks in first, and then pour the sand around them.

Most of us have this backwards.  We have the major commitments and desires, but we let day-to-day life overwhelm and overtake us.  We regularly and continually put the sand in first.

The video below is old and, arguably, corny.  But it demonstrates this principle so clearly that I had to include it.

  

The first step is to identify your rocks -- your priorities.  Then to add them to your schedule in such a way that they really ARE priorities.  Then let your life fill in around them.  As the video shows, it will anyway.

"the best years of our lives are not behind us"

A few weeks ago, an article from the Yale Daily News made the rounds on Facebook.  A young, talented writer had some encouraging words about her experience at Yale that I think apply to us all, no matter how young or old we are, no matter whether we went to Yale or didn't.  She says:

But let us get one thing straight: the best years of our lives are not behind us. They’re part of us and they are set for repetition as we grow up and move to New York and away from New York and wish we did or didn’t live in New York. I plan on having parties when I’m 30. I plan on having fun when I’m old. Any notion of THE BEST years comes from clichéd “should haves...” “if I’d...” “wish I’d...”

Of course, there are things we wished we did: our readings, that boy across the hall. We’re our own hardest critics and it’s easy to let ourselves down. Sleeping too late. Procrastinating. Cutting corners. More than once I’ve looked back on my High School self and thought: how did I do that? How did I work so hard? Our private insecurities follow us and will always follow us.

But the thing is, we’re all like that. Nobody wakes up when they want to. Nobody did all of their reading (except maybe the crazy people who win the prizes…) We have these impossibly high standards and we’ll probably never live up to our perfect fantasies of our future selves. But I feel like that’s okay.

Marina Keegan, 22, was set to graduate from college with more wisdom than some of us attain by 122.  Unfortunately, she never made it there, as she died in a car crash just days before commencement.   Her writing (which you can read the rest of here) is so full of hope, of encouragement, and stands as a reminder to the rest of us that it's never to late to do something about your dream.  To find those people who make up your web and be grateful for them every day.  And to spend more time with the boy across the hall and less time procrastinating.

the math of dating

I read a cute little article in checkmatemagazine by Catherine Lowell that I thought I would share with you:

"One day in 1999, computer scientist Tristan Miller decided that he would never, ever find a girlfriend. As a tech genius with a sense of humor, he decided to do a comprehensive analysis to show why this might be the case.

His conclusion was simple: the math simply wasn’t in his favor. Using census data from 1998, he concluded that there was a 1 in 18,726 chance of finding “the one.”

Below is a simplified version of his logic.

Number of people on earth:   5,592,830,000

Number of females on earth:  2,941,118,000

Number of females in developed countries:  605,601,000

Number of females aged 18-25 in developed countries:  65,299,083

Number of those females who are “beautiful” (two standard deviations above the norm):  1,487,838

Number of those females who are intelligent, too (one standard deviation above the norm):  236,053

Number of those females who are also single (assuming 50% of women are single):  118,027

Number of interested women (assuming Tristan was one standard deviation above the woman’s average):  18,726

See his math in Why I Will Never Have a Girlfriend.

What Can This Mean!?

It means that if poor Tristan went on a blind date with a new girl every week, he might have to wait 67 years before he found the girl of his dreams.

What You Do!?
1.) Start dating at a very young age.
2.) Curse fate for handing you a statistical trap.
3.) Or… Chill out.

Tristan’s analysis exemplifies why looking for perfection in a partner is an exercise in futility. If you look for someone who is the top percentile of the top percentile, it will take you 67 years to find out that it’s hard to satisfy every box on your checklist.

Besides, imperfections make life much more interesting. Remember what Yogi Berra said: “If the world was perfect, it wouldn’t be.” An imperfect person might actually be the perfect person for you.

It’s not the best idea to go looking for a better version of yourself. If you work to become the best person you can be, dates will find you.

If you’re still discouraged… you can always apply to be Tristan Miller’s significant other."

farming vs. mining

Many moons ago, my cousin Brian pointed me to a really interesting blog post that inspired me. The premise is that you've bought a plot of land and have two choices -- you can farm that land, or you can mine it. Which do you do?

"If you farm," says author Wil Shipley, "you’ll have to purchase seed up-front, and work on it for a season before you see any profits. And every season you’ll plow most the profits (literally) back into the land and salaries and your mortgage. You husband the soil to ensure that it’ll keep providing for you for years and years. If you’re lucky, and if you do a good job, you’ll gather a following, sales will increase, and eventually you may make a tidy living. But every season, no matter how rich you get, you’re going to be back out there, breaking your back and working with the soil. When you finally retire, if you’ve done a good job, the soil is as good as when you first got it, and your farm will live on."

"Or," he continues, "you could mine; you’ll need some initial money to lease mining equipment, and to hire some people to work the mine. Then, bam: profit. You’re making money. You tear a giant hole in the ground and eke every last bit of metal out as quickly as possible; there’s nothing to preserve, there’s no soil to keep in condition. You’ll make a big score, then the land will be spent, and you move on, leaving an unusable crater."

He then goes on to parallel this analogy with starting a software company, which I won't go into, but it really applies to how you want to live your life on a broad basis. Are you willing to invest a part of yourself in your development on a regular basis, or do you want to get in, get out, and get emptied?

Some people are naturally long-term focused, and so for them, farming may come easier. Knowing that it's in their best self-interest may make eating healthy easier to do. Believing that insight will follow a week with no television may make it easier to bear the silence. But for people who are short term focused -- or even long-term focusers who are frustrated by their current situations -- mining may feel more rewarding.

And is there a way to combine both? Can you mine part of the land and farm others? Life is not black and white, it's much more of a continuum. And if you aim to land in farming more often than in mining, I think it's a winning proposition. Because the image of that "unusable crater" is pretty haunting.

our lovely, imperfect selves

I was recently reading a post on the Sunday at Noon blog, in which matchmaker Marni Galison talks about how easy it is to fall into the trap of cutting off potential dates because they're not perfect. She says:

In most aspects of our lives, we can accept that the people we love are
flawed human beings but naturally we still love them anyway. Despite those
flaws, we recognize the qualities that make them the unique, wonderful people
they are and we cherish having them in our lives.

But for some reason, when it comes to dating, the minute we see that a new
love interest is less than perfect we rush to judgment. And often that judgment
is equivalent to the Spanish Inquisition – no one stands a chance from thereon
in.

She goes on to encourage us to forgive each other for not being perfect, which might make dating a little bit easier. (See the whole article here.)

I'd like to take that action even one step further -- I'd like to encourage us to forgive ourselves for not being perfect. When we accept, embrace, and even revel in our own imperfections ("that's right, I can be needy sometimes!") we are likely to be more forgiving of perceived shortcomings in others.

One of the things I try to do to give myself perspective on perfection and the challenges that other people face is simple: I put myself in their shoes. Given their situations, backgrounds, friends, fears, needs, etc., how would I act? Would I be different? And if so, can I at least understand better why they are they way they are?

It's a carry-over from my acting days when I used to put on all those things on behalf of a character, and I find it expands my generosity and patience with others immensely. (Which can come in handy when one is dating...)

on broken hearts

My friend John is a fabulous writer, and he recently wrote a piece about how to get over a broken heart. (The crux of his argument? Pina Coladas.) And, while his suggestion of bellying up to the bar isn't necessarily something I'd recommend to my readers (no offense, John) the way he describes the strength of the human heart really spoke to me, so I thought I'd share it with you:

"It helps to think of your heart as a piece of steel. Not chocolate or flesh or crepe paper. A shiny ball of steel. Which has a breaking point. But have you ever seen steel forged? It's heated in a volcano hot furnace until it glows white. It's so hot, the hard steel is malleable. Then it's hammered and hammered and hammered. Smashed into shape. Two pieces are clobbered to form one whole piece and then the steel is dumped into water. Once it's cooled, it's as hard as... well, you know. I've had my heart broken many, many times. And each time, I ended up stronger. My furnace? A Pina Colada. Maybe some Patsy Cline. A new friend, if just for that moment."

(You can read the rest of the article here.)

It's easy to think that you're not up to a challenge, or that you've been hurt so badly that you'll never recover. But keeping this image of an invulnerable heart in your mind, remembering that no matter what you throw at it, it will only get stronger... well, it works for me.

Failure Is NOT An Option? (Well, Maybe It SHOULD Be!) by Rebecca Soulette

I'm sure you've heard the (supposedly) motivational words, Failure Is Not An Option , as a way to inspire people to do great things. It makes great ad copy when selling sneakers or gatorade, and it ALWAYS makes for stirring interviews when people like Donald Trump, Olympic gold medalists, and award winners from every walk of life say it.

The Failure Is Not An Option perspective is a state of mind that can be extremely useful in helping us to keep moving forward no matter what setbacks come our way. But it can also do the EXACT OPPOSITE.

For those of us who were born (or raised) as perfectionists, or for those of us who overwhelm easily, the Failure Is Not An Option mentality can actually paralyze us before we even begin.

Why?

Because if we're trying something new, by definition, we're ATTEMPTING something we've never done before. And if we've never done it before (or if we currently suck at something that we're trying to improve at it) we don't know how to do it well yet. And expecting ourselves to be perfect at something we don't actually know how to do well yet can be A LOT of pressure.

Just imagine if you're teaching a baby to walk. Little Junior has started hoisting himself up to a standing position on the coffee table and looks JUST ABOUT ready to let go and take a step or two toward you. Now, imagine if your words to him were, "Okay, Kiddo, Failure Is NOT An Option --let go of the table and walk over to me. Don't screw up! And, whatever you do, you CAN'T fall down!"

Luckily, most children who are about to take their first steps are too young to even understand what you'd be talking about if you were to say that to them, yet, isn't that what we're saying to ourselves when we imagine that Failure Is Not An Option; that we have to perform perfectly?

Everyone knows that MOST children, on letting go of the table and lunging forward, trying to take a step will end up falling on their butt on the floor--if not during the first step, then during the second or the third--and even if they successfully walk, they are bound to fall again the minute they start adding speed, turns, or enthusiasm to the mix. Not to mention that most babies don't even know what they did to make themselves walk the first time they do it, since they're so surprised it worked, they don't always know how to repeat what they just did.

The step that the idea Failure Is Not An Option MISSES is that there IS no success or improvement without failure. Yes, occasionally, we may be lucky and the first time out trying something new. We do well (and label it "beginner's luck" not "beginner's solid and completely dependable talent"), but MOST of the time we WILL screw up, fail, fall, or, at the very least, have a type-o. And what's GOOD about that (Yes, it's good! I swear!!!!) is that THAT is how we learn to do better. We can't course-correct if we don't go OFF course first. We can't refine anything until we do it just a little bit wrong. And we can't learn what to do unless we become absolutely sure about what we DON'T want to do. It's all part of the same process that leads us to success. And to put the kind of pressure on ourselves that we're NOT ALLOWED to screw up is counter productive. How can we learn if we can't screw up?

If I had fallen as a baby learning to walk (which, believe me, I did!) does that mean I should have quit and never tried doing it again because I didn't do it perfectly the first time? Absolutely not. With that logic, I'd still be crying, flat on my diapered butt by the coffee table in our old apartment, never having learned to walk.

So maybe it's time I (and all of us) try on the idea that not only IS failure an option, it may even be a REQUIREMENT on the road to progress and success.

This week, if you're like me and get paralyzed by the idea thatFailure Is Not An Option I invite you to turn that idea on it's ear and see how much easier it may be for you to take strides forward if you let yourself see failure for the learning and improvement tool that it actually is!

About Rebecca Soulette, CFLC III ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Life Coach, Rebecca Soulette, CFLC III, is a senior level coach certified through the Fearless Living Institute. She is an expert in helping her clients to live the lives they were born to live. She is also the creator of http://www.lifebeyondcelebrity.com/ , where she helps celebrities and others in the public eye create balanced and fulfilling lives beyond their fame. Rebecca Soulette, CFLC III, also offers teleclasses, private 1:1 and group coaching. To help both celebrites and non-celebrities alike live the lives the were born to live. Learn more now at http://www.rebeccasoulette.com/ .

there is no such thing as delay

I went to hear Michael Beckwith speak recently, and if you're not familiar with who he is, he's a non-denominational reverend who is more into god than any particular manifestation of him.

(He's also a better looking version of Milli or Vanilli, take your pick.)

His topic was something like "Finding Your Soul's Purpose," and I went to listen because I'm feeling a little stuck these days. I was excited to hear what someone with a different (and famously motivating) perspective would have to say on the topic, except... well, he never really got around to talking about the topic.

Instead we were greeted with a number of things I didn't particularly care for in his presentation, including a ten minute segment from his "dance minister" who wore a gauzy dress and flailed herself around in front of a room of paying customers, and a twenty minute version of a song whose title I can only assume was "I'm So Grateful that I Just Can't Stop Singing -- in English or in Spanish -- I'll just Keep on Going Forever," but that's neither here nor there.

Despite my mounting frustration, I stayed and listened for whatever nugget I could take away, and what I got was this:

There is No Delay in the Universe.

Beckwith's argument was that the Universe is perfect. It's perfectly balanced energy, and we (each of us) occupy a perfectly balanced place in it. I am a Kate-shaped energy inside of a Kate-shaped hole in the universal energy. (Or something like that.) So if something in your life feels stalled or delayed, that's only your perspective on it. The Universe (he argued) knows nothing about delay. All it knows is that you don't yet have the skills or tools or support or energy or whatever you need to move on to the next level.

Now, while this is a little bit of a Super Mario Brothers interpretation of the Universe, I like it. I like the idea that the reason I feel stuck is that there's something I haven't learned or gotten or processed yet, and this lull, this slow-down, is an opportunity for me to catch up on whatever that is.

So if you're in a place where you feel stalled, trapped, stuck, or otherwise Not Moving, ask around and see if there's something you don't have or know yet that would help you move into your next chapter. You might just be surprised.

(Although if the Universe tells you to become a dance minister, I might not listen...)

a poem

Autobiography in 5 Short Chapters
by Portia Nelson, from the book There's a Hole in My Sidewalk: The Romance of Self-Discovery

Chapter I

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost ... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter II

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit ... but,
my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter IV

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter V

I walk down another street.

working with money

It's my experience that many creative people struggle with money. They want to make more or keep more, balance their budgets, spend in a "healthy" way, and generally feel a sense of financial abundance -- without feeling like they're fooling themselves with some fancy thinking.

If this sounds familiar (and you're in New York City), check out:

Peter Pamela Rose's FREE

You and Your Money Relationship
Wednesday, March 24th at 2:30pm

The Barrow Group Theatre on the 3rd floor of 312 West 36th Street

To RSVP, please call The Network at (212) 239-3198
(reservations are necessary, so please RSVP to save your place)

As a Certified Coach specializing in the Entertainment Industry, Peter Pamela also works with many actors/directors/writers with fluctuating incomes who need an adjustment for their thoughts (and budget skills) around money. Therefore the seminar YOU AND YOUR MONEY RELATIONSHIP was developed to help you get your thoughts and actions around money to work for you, instead of against you. The skills taught in this seminar will teach you to earn more money and not less, regardless of the state of the economy.

In her seminar you will learn to:

• Look at money in ways that work FOR you and not against you
• Stop perpetuating underearning and thoughts of worthlessness
• Transform your unhealthy money habits into healthy habits
• Increase your self-esteem around money
• Bust through your comfort zone and increase your income

Peter Pamela Rose, Certified Life/Career Coach and founder of Acting Business Bootcamp (www. actingbusinessbootcamp.com) has been coaching professionally for over 14 years and has worked as a commercial and voice over actress for over 20 years. In addition, Peter Pamela assisted Manager Jean Fox in building the careers of Mira Sorvino and Scarlett Johansson and worked under casting director, Roger Mussenden (Get Smart, Valkerie, I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry.)

Peter uses the principle that people have a virtually unlimited capacity for growth, change and creativity. Her passion is to help clients clearly define their goals and set up an effective plan of action to achieve those dreams. Her strength lies in helping people release the energy that has been tied up around fear. Peter strongly believes that when one harnesses that fear and channels it into learning how to take good care of oneself, they are then best suited to be of maximum service to others – the ultimate purpose for being.

I've never taken this class in person, but I have listened to the CD version of it, and find it to be very insightful. Fear around money is normal and common, and Peter has a lot of great tips, tricks, and techniques to help you navigate that tricky relationship.

don't give up!

I know I've written a lot lately about goals, and reaching for what you want, and all that good stuff, so I thought I'd share with you part of an article on motivation that I got from another savvy coach, Nancy Fox. (Visit her at www.thebusinessfox.com) The whole article is more in-depth, but the part that resonated most with me broke down the stages of decision-making:

1. "Action/Decision - you take some new action or make a decision
2. Relief/Excitement - this provides relief or excitement - You look forward to the new.
3. Doubt - the relief or excitement is short-lived. Doubt for your decision or about your action sets in.
4. Fear/Overwhelm - Doubt is immediately followed by fear or a feeling of being overwhelmed.
5. Remorse/Regret - You begin to regret your choice or action. (This is what is commonly known as "buyers remorse.")
6. Projecting Blame - You immediately start seeking who you might blame for the feeling of remorse. You see it as a force outside of yourself. Ex. Your partner was a bad guy anyway, your boss never told you what he/she really expected, etc.
7. Seeking Shelter/Safety - Here's where you want to pull back or go back to old familiar ways. Ex. You want to stay in your current job vs. making a change to one with greater potential.
8. Relief - You feel a short-lived sense of relief.
9. Lowered self-esteem - Right below relief is an experience of lowered self-esteem because you have not made a decision from a powerful stance but from a fearful one."

I love the way this breaks down because I can see myself in every one of those steps. (I've gotten a lot better about #6, though!) I've definitely made decisions, gotten excited, doubted, gotten scared, and started to change my mind. For me, the "seeking shelter/safety" is extra powerful, because it leads to that blessed, almost instantaneous relief of not having to do anything.

However...

When the change is important to me, I build in safeguards to ward off steps 5, 6, and 7, and therefore avoid steps 8 and 9 all together.

Nancy's suggestions for safeguards are the following:

1. "Accepting Full Responsibility - for your situation and for your results. No excuses. Gives you a huge sense of power.
2. Adopting A Can Do Mindset - Listen to your language. Are you telling yourself it can be done, or it can't? Either way you'll be right. Your choice.
3. Trusting - In yourself and your ability to generate the right results.
4. Seeking Support - Hang around with supportive people, hang with the winners.
5. Positive People, Positive Life - self explanatory.
6. Daily Consistent Actions - Put the right structures, right routines in place and adhere to them as if they are the law - your law.
7. Focus on your WHY - By focusing on your real purpose, why you took the action, you will be motivated to stick to it."

I think these suggestions are spot on, and will affect different people in different ways. For example, #4 is crucial for me -- I'm a talker. And I can talk myself out of fear just as easily as I can talk myself into it. So combining supportive people with consistent, daily actions, often helps me overcome my fear in a plow-ahead-like-a-freight-train kind of way. Sure, it's scary, but if I do #7 and ramp up #3 (possibly via #2 and #1), I can make it through.

Feeling Lost?

My friend Avery sent me a link to an article, and I think that the author, Brad Bollenbach, is really onto something. He talks about personal growth never being as linear a road as we might hope. "It’s full of potholes and ditches, the occasional tree planted right in the middle, and some stretches where there is no road at all, and there’s no map telling you where to turn." (Not to mention the times it's filled with traffic, shut down for a parade, or just randomly has Mick Jagger dancing in it.)

The major point of his article is about taking a Bottom-up approach (rather than a Top-down one). He says, "Bottom-up development focusses on building the framework you need for living a life of purpose. It’s all about installing good habits that are independent of any specific goal. It’s an action plan you can start on this afternoon or this evening, that allows you to do incredibly productive and useful things, even if you’re still unsure about the big picture."

I really like his style and ideas.

Check out the rest of his article here: Feeling Lost?

Being fully present by Elaine Williams

In this day and age (May 17, 2009) my life seems to be spinning faster and faster with each passing month and year. It seems like I blink and suddenly half of the year has gone by, suddenly my niece and nephew have gotten a foot taller!

Where does the time go?

My days feel like they are one long endless to do list. (I must confess that I love making my list and then getting to cross off the completed items.)

Like many motivated entrepreneurs, I feel like I will never be done, that there will always be a million other things that need to be done if I am going to take my business to the next level.

I find myself in a state of constant multi tasking: texting at red lights, listening to voice mail while on the toilet while also opening mail; returning phone calls while running to appointment in NYC with sirens haunting me on the streets; eating lunch, breakfast, or snacking while checking emails, blogs, and facebook.

And then I wonder why I feel scattered, sensory overload and harried…

More and more I have been gently reminded by the universe about the fabulous gift of being fully present and mindful, moment by moment, in life.

I was sort of suffering a month ago in my life. I have been getting what I WANT for a change: more and more comedy gigs in the tri state area, PAID speaking gigs on topics I am truly passionate about, and finally finishing a rehab project to make my basement into a cool home office... and yet, I was not enjoying much of it. I felt tired, harried, totally not present to what many years of hard work had created.

And thankfully, I had been moved to check out Eckhart Tolle’s book, The New Earth, and to listen to it on the way to some gigs. (He also wrote about The Power of Now, so it was wonderful to listen to him talk about being fully present in the moment, and to look at my ego.) I also started to read another recommended book, the Presence Process, which after only a few pages gave me a new sense of freedom, peace, and stillness.

I think the lesson I am getting is that no matter how fast paced this world seems to get; and I have a feeling that with aging and all the technological progress it will continue to be fast, the secret is to be able to come from a moment to moment “center” in my daily life. And I must admit that after listening and just starting to read the previously mentioned books, I felt released from my suffering.

I started to enjoy my life again. I got present to my accomplishments and what I HAVE created as opposed to what was left to do.

I am intending to be more mindful in my life. I am continually challenging myself to be fully present to what I am doing, and to attempt to do just one thing, really well, at a time…something that my multi tasking body has been trained NOT to do for years!

I am heading back to the NYC area after performing at two comedy clubs in WA state. While working at the second club, I met a waitress with beautiful tattoos. Now I must say that ALL of the waitresses at this particular club had tattoos, but I was especially drawn to the purple flowers with green vines on one of her arms because the viney flowers framed a gorgeous, simple, splendid word that we all could use as a reminder.

The word was: breathe.

When I first saw it, I thought, well I should tattoo that one to my forehead!

And so, my dear reader, I will pass it on: just a gentle reminder to breathe.

I challenge you this week to stop and take deep breaths several times throughout your day.

Put post it notes around your home, office, and car.

Ask yourself, are you fully present with whatever you are doing, no matter how mundane?

Perhaps even the most trivial of tasks can take on a profound feeling if there is total and complete attention and intention put towards them.

Who knows, maybe taking out the trash and folding laundry could have a whole new element of surprise and sexiness?

Whatever your week holds for you, I implore you, I challenge you to breathe and to practice being fully present!

Elaine Williams is a certified life coach, comedian, and speaker. She loves to make people laugh and help inspire others to live their dream lives! You can learn more about her comedy at www.elaine-williams.com and life coaching at www.creativelifecoaching.org.
If you want to be a part of her documentary: The Power of Healing Through Laughter, feel free to contact her at laineywill@yahoo.com.

How well do you manage change in your life? by Robin Jones

It's an important question, as practically every philosopher in history has pointed out, because change is the only constant in life; it's the one thing we can really count on.

And as there are so many circumstances out there in the world we can't control, it's worth taking a good hard look at how you manage the one common denominator in the midst of your perpetually variable life: you.

In this post I'll outline some things you can do to face change head on and meet it with strength, courage, and grace.

For our purposes, let's put the wide variety of changes you experience in your life into two categories: those you choose to make, such as moving across the country, starting a new career, ending/beginning a relationship, and those you don't choose, such as illness in yourself or a loved one, getting laid off or fired, ending/beginning a relationship.

What's true in both types, is that to achieve the outcome you want, you must meet both with full awareness, courage, and faith that it will turn out for the best. In other words, you have to show up. To do that most effectively, consider the following:

1. Clarify your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors related to the change

I lead a workshop I designed in corporations called Managing Change. Instead of presenting the participants with a prepackaged diagram describing the cycle of change, we create one together, based on their actual life experiences in dealing with changes.

The first thing I have them do is look at some of the changes they are currently moving through, and together we make lists of their thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. This allows them to get in touch with the nature of how they're taking charge of the situation, how they're reacting, and to notice themselves objectively, without judgment.

If you find yourself lost in the storm of the events (and sometimes chaos) around you, take some time for self reflection to understand what you think and feel and to take stock of your actions.

2. Understand the natural cycle of change

In the workshop, participants create a sequence of five or six phases of change. What's interesting is that every time I've worked through this with groups, there are subtle differences, but essentially, they all come up with the same things. Here's what the cycle looks like: 1. Realization/the Unknown: whether this is a change you've chosen or not, there's almost always a degree of fear or discomfort when beginning the process of moving into the unknown.

2. Contemplation: during this phase, much of your time and energy is spent focused on how you got here, why this change is occurring, and what your options are. The more you can let go of fear or confusion, the better prepared you'll be to handle the change.

3. Planning: this is where you weigh your options, start to make decisions about what actions to take, and what you want the outcome to be.

4. Implementation: this is putting the plan into action. If you've given careful consideration to all your options and you're clear on what you want, you should feel a great deal of strength and conviction here. Inaction because of second-guessing can be detrimental.

5. Outcomes: now you start seeing the results of your actions and stay aware of yourself and situation at all times. It's critical that you keep evaluating and adjusting in order to stay on track.
6. Integration: the final phase of the change cycle is the easiest and most organic. Like a butterfly emerging from a chrysalis, you see your learning and growth most powerfully. You're not the same person that began the process and you live in a larger world for having gone through it.What's important to note about this cycle is that it's happening whether you know it or not. By becoming aware of the cycle and what phase you're in at any given time, you allow yourself to make your choices based on the best possible outcome. Where we get into trouble in life is when we make choices by default, or worse, simply allow them to be made for us.

3. Let the universe polish you into a jewel

Thomas Carlyle said, "Adversity is the diamond dust Heaven polishes its jewels with."

There's a simple question to ask yourself during the process of change to keep you on track. "When I look back on this, who do I want to have been and how do I want to have acted?"

Write your answer in the form of a mission statement for moving through the change: two or three concise sentences that clarify the question. Make it a reflection of the person you strive to be, of the jewel you're becoming as you're being polished.

4. Learn to love the process of change

Some changes you'll never love. The man who becomes the caregiver for his mother as she enters Alzheimer's disease is obviously a different story than the woman who wins the lottery.

But you can learn to love the process of change if not the change itself. This is a topic for an entire book, but the nutshell version is getting to a deeper, perhaps spiritual understanding that the world is what it is, beyond the insignificance of our thoughts and emotions. It's a matter of adopting the serenity prayer: "(God), grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." Whether you believe in a higher power or not, learning to love the process of change is about giving up control and allowing what will be to be.

The fact is, you're moving through change every moment of your existence: some of it minor, some massive. The degree to which you can stay focused on your sense of strength and grace throughout will determine your level of peace and satisfaction as you integrate it into your life.

Wishing you much success,
RJ

Robin Jones works with coaches, consultants, and other independent service professionals who are struggling to attract enough business, showing them how to get new clients easily and consistently for the lifetime of their business. Interested? Check him out at www.successbecomesyou.com. [Blogger's note: he's also my coach, and he's AMAZING!]

Leave It! (Or The Benefits Of Puppy Training) by Rebecca Soulette

[This is my first guest writer post, written by my dear friend Rebecca Soulette, Life Coach Extraordinaire!]

I don't know about you, but I like to think of myself as advanced, intelligent, complicated. I like to think that all my years on this planet have made me into a sophisticated, intricate, fascinating machine that has the capability of using fancy systems and techniques to better my life.

But recently, my ego bubble was popped when it became abundantly clear that what I REALLY needed to fix a challenge I was having was straight-ahead, no-holes-barred PUPPY TRAINING. I needed to learn to simply obey a command. Period.

What was that command?

"Leave it!"

The same thing one of my best friends says to her puppy when the dog picks up something nasty and she wants her to spit it out.

A little over a week ago, I found myself in a pickle: I was in a semi-obsessive, mean to myself, depressed place over a guy who, for whatever reason, just isn't that into me. So I called my friend for help.

We strategized ways I could keep this guy in my life (as we're currently working together on some projects) while simultaneously getting him and any reminders of him out of my sight so that I'd have little temptation to obsess about the fact that he's not into me.

Through our conversation, I deleted all of this guy's emails & texts and removed his phone number from my caller ID & cell phone. Then, we came to the stickiest challenge: Facebook, the obsessive girl's road to hell.

For those of you unfamiliar with facebook, suffice it to say, signing on to my account provides ample opportunities to see snippets of this guy's life when I LEAST EXPECT IT and could easily get sidetracked paying attention to it. I didn't want to delete him as one of my facebook "friends," yet, I didn't want to be sideswiped by random posts about him.

My friend had the PERFECT strategy. While I was coming up with complicated ways of trying to avoid noticing this guy online, my friend said, simply, "You know what? I think you're going to have to do what I've been training my puppy to do when she picks up something icky in her mouth: 'Leave it!' You know, 'Spit it out!' 'Drop it!' Because he's poison to you right now, Rebecca. You've got to just, 'Leave it!' "

Know what? She was RIGHT!

There are times in our lives when a specific system or strategy may help us unlearn a habit, but, at the end of the day, sometimes we DO have to treat ourselves the way we would treat a brand new puppy who needs to be trained. Simply COMMAND ourselves to "Leave it!" and then OBEY. And that's what I've been doing, successfully, ever since she suggested it.

Each time I see his updates online, I hear my friend's Alpha Dog Voice in my head barking, "Leave it!" and I spit it out (or scroll away from it). Understanding that the "Leave It!" command is all about my safety, my comfort, and my happiness, and that little bits of information about this guy are like a slimy, ratty stick that I shouldn't chew on or bring into the house.

Instead of trying to THINK my way out of letting this guy go, my job is simply to OBEY THE COMMAND, just like her puppy does when she picks up something bad for her.

Are there places in your life where you're stuck trying to let something go where it would really help to just have someone follow you around and shout, "Hey, Leave it!" If so, I invite you to try it: be your own dog trainer and simply OBEY and see if it helps you make progress.

It's now clear to me (as I'm becoming less and less attached to this guy) that there are quite a few places in my life where puppy training would help me more than anything.

This week, whatever it is you need to let go of, "Leave it!" and see what happens.

Let me know if it works for you!

http://www.rebeccasoulette.com/

Life Coach, Rebecca Soulette, CFLC III, is a senior level coach certified through the Fearless Living Institute. She is an expert in helping her clients to live the lives they were born to live. She is also the creator of www.LifeBeyondCelebrity.com, where she helps celebrities and others in the public eye create balanced and fulfilling lives beyond their fame. Rebecca Soulette, CFLC III, also offers teleclasses, private 1:1 and group coaching. To help both celebrities and non-celebrities alike live the lives the were born to live. Learn more now at www.RebeccaSoulette.com.